Going through divorce #2

[lcause]

calling him dad as S is too young. I guess I should proof-read a bit more...

[T384]

I'm not always the best person for advice based on where I am right now, but I would say - become the best version of you, who she fell in love with. I sometimes struggle with remembering that person because there weren't all the responsibilities we share together now when we first met our S.

Anyway, just remember you two have a lot tying you together, especially a young baby. My baby is only 2 months and my hormones are all over the place so I imagine your W may be dealing with the same still especially if she's breastfeeding. My OB told me to not expect to return to 'normal' until his first birthday!

The S has to believe things would be better and different if they came back. They have to see you as the better choice. IMO it is by moving on without them, being friendly but distant in interactions, letting them see you having fun and interacting with others so they can think they want to get in on being apart of your life. People want what they don't think they can have. Sandi spent a lot of time talking about that with me on my threads.

OM can't compare to you because he doesn't have the history you have, the kids, heck a new baby! Just be the best version of you, any man that would engage with a woman that has a new baby isn't someone of a high moral compass and his true colors will show. I remember people telling me last time to step back and let OW meet all of H's needs, that it would speed up the demise of their R... they were sure right.

[dale165]

Believe me your NOT crazy, weird, or pathetic. I skipped a week of work when I found out. Cried, knocked bathroom door down, threatened OM, and too many other things that hopefully I can forget one day. By your words, I think your doing ok.

Id like to challenge you to do something this week that's out of your norm. You mentioned job, how about you physically show up somewhere and say Id like to talk to the manager. That's just an example but just try one thing for your confidence. Once I started doing little things the bigger results followed. Of course I'm not 100% but I'm far from the mess I was months ago.

[AnotherStander]

Why is it that after I see her/spend time with her I immediately feel better? I would have thought I would be feeling even more down as it should remind me even more of what I can't have. Pretty odd. Maybe it's my subconscious tricking me thinking that "whatever, I'm with her right now!!!" or something similar.

Yeah, the familiarity and closeness is comforting, especially after BD. Eventually that'll go away and it'll feel more like going to visit a neighbor rather than your W.

I don't think I have any hope left. It's really hard to find someone worse a partner than I was, at least at the end, thus how could I ever be a better one for her?

Well you have an advantage over others, she was attracted to you in the first place so you already have whatever combo of traits she finds attractive. You just need to get back in touch with that guy she was attracted to.

I think she's still very emotional about the sitch (D said mommy cries a lot) so it could be a rebound... but my luck the guy is on with it and it'll last.

He's having an affair with a married woman. I promise you, he is not the shining example of manly man perfection she thinks he is. Every relationship that starts out as an affair with a married person is destined for failure.

and possibly starting to take SSRIs

They were the boost I needed to get me through the worst part. A couple of months after BD I inexplicably went from feeling OK to suddenly plunging into deep depression. There was no particular trigger, I was doing OK one day and suicidal the next. I got on SSRIs and about 4 weeks later I felt awesome, very much like my old self. I weaned off of them after a few months and never have had depression again. If you think you need a little help then go for it, there's no shame in it. Depression is an illness and SSRIs are medication.

[lcause]

I'm not always the best person for advice based on where I am right now, but I would say - become the best version of you, who she fell in love with. I sometimes struggle with remembering that person because there weren't all the responsibilities we share together now when we first met our S.

I've read your sitch and oh boy you're a strong woman and you've gone far. I admire you and your H is a scumbag for doing this for you. Twice!!!

I know who she fell in love to but that was mostly me texting her like crazy at the beginning. I've lost weight and my hairstyle is quite close to what it used to be. I'm actually more muscular and more lean in comparison! I've always tried to be upbeat in close to her, but I've fallen to moody texts at times Hopefully those do not ruin my chances. She even mentioned that it's nice that I vent the stuff which is... lol. Either she cares about my feelings or she laughs at me.

I understand really well that it is hard to be the S we were in the beginning, but I think by GALing we end up being a better version of that person. Our S's are fools to not take us back and trust our changes, right?

Anyway, just remember you two have a lot tying you together, especially a young baby. My baby is only 2 months and my hormones are all over the place so I imagine your W may be dealing with the same still especially if she's breastfeeding. My OB told me to not expect to return to 'normal' until his first birthday!

We do have, indeed. It's just that my XW tells me how she waited for so long and managed to "hide" that feeling and still be happy. Until the winter when we got further away from each other.

She is still breast-feeding, indeed. Probably will still till Christmas or so, as then my S is 1 year old. She is also sleeping poorly. Maybe she is depressed... but that doesn't change the fact how I contributed and how she lost the feelings for me.

The S has to believe things would be better and different if they came back. They have to see you as the better choice. IMO it is by moving on without them, being friendly but distant in interactions, letting them see you having fun and interacting with others so they can think they want to get in on being apart of your life. People want what they don't think they can have. Sandi spent a lot of time talking about that with me on my threads.

That is true. It would need to be much better and there can't be anyone else in their lives. But I don't know how I can accomplish that - I can't just snap my fingers and get a new job. The biggest 180 I've done is I've changed to the best father ever. I spend time with my kids, laugh with them (much more than my XW does - D wants to spend time with me possibly more than with my XW - XW seems quite angry all the time - even to the point where I'm questioning if she really is a good mother or not... but then I realize she is TIRED).

I guess you are right, people DO want they can't have. But I've said that I want to stand for this, I want to change etc etc... I don't think how I can pull it off and show her that I've moved forward. Maybe this comes with time. Maybe she notices when I start doing what you mentioned.

OM can't compare to you because he doesn't have the history you have, the kids, heck a new baby! Just be the best version of you, any man that would engage with a woman that has a new baby isn't someone of a high moral compass and his true colors will show. I remember people telling me last time to step back and let OW meet all of H's needs, that it would speed up the demise of their R... they were sure right.

Is this true? Do people think his moral compass is not high? Well, hopefully that happens. It could also end up the other way around. Who knows, right? At least I hope some day to have some validation for this... I fantasize of a moment of me continuing with my life and her&OM breaking up badly. I know I know, I shouldn't. I would tolerate and accept it much better if it would have taken more time... I know I should be happy for her but... It's just so goddamn hard!

Believe me your NOT crazy, weird, or pathetic. I skipped a week of work when I found out. Cried, knocked bathroom door down, threatened OM, and too many other things that hopefully I can forget one day. By your words, I think your doing ok.

I'm not crazy, I didn't mean that. I'm just... venting too much here and I get the feeling people are frustrated with my sitch - or with me doing 180s continuously almost like a bipolar (I don't have it!).

I'm not gonna do those things. Sorry you felt so bad I've been reading your sitch too and you've done such a good progress.

The problem I have with OM is that he is not a "douchebag" by any means. Well, I can only SUSPECT who he is, not entirely sure. If it is the one I suspect, he is a good dude otherwise than maybe not having a high moral compass? Could be that my XW is just thinking more than she should... I don't know. I don't want to speculate. I just think I would have better chances if it was someone random and not cool at all

Well, like 25 says, the WAS always thinks about it when they have a bigger feel down moment. The LBS doesn't when they've moved on, because they didn't have a say how it ended and they continued with their life. Also, it requires a very confident person to handle a situation where the ex-S is "GALed" and shows up as an upbeat, self-confident, independent individual.

But I do certainly consider this an REBOUND or an AFFAIR because I think my XW is lying. Unless she put a Tinder profile, I don't think she could have just randomly walked into this person. I saw the odd signs before the BD and I certainly do think she at least was having an EA with the guy before the BD.

Oh well. I'm usually so unlucky that I'm probably in the loser category in this one as well when it comes to statistics. Haha.

Id like to challenge you to do something this week that's out of your norm. You mentioned job, how about you physically show up somewhere and say Id like to talk to the manager. That's just an example but just try one thing for your confidence. Once I started doing little things the bigger results followed. Of course I'm not 100% but I'm far from the mess I was months ago.

I'm not going to do that because I don't think it really works on IT sector but I'm gonna grab the phone and start calling the list through. I need to gather the motivation to update my portfolio to spice up my CV. I know a MSc can get SOME job that is better than my low-grade one. Maybe I just need to ditch my ideology of directly finding the absolutely perfect job and start climbing the ladder from something I enjoy more than my current one.

[lcause]

Yeah, the familiarity and closeness is comforting, especially after BD. Eventually that'll go away and it'll feel more like going to visit a neighbor rather than your W.

Thanks. That's how it exactly feels. Super comfy, but I think the fact that my children are there is comforting too. Also, I'm probably subconsciously thinking that I show her the new me.

Well you have an advantage over others, she was attracted to you in the first place so you already have whatever combo of traits she finds attractive. You just need to get back in touch with that guy she was attracted to.

True. That still doesn't erase all the crap I did, or actually didn't do - but we still had very good moments in our R. I think we would've gone further if we didn't get this far from each other in winter (me doing 50 hours overtime at work, she having a baby+Uni) and my depression.

He's having an affair with a married woman. I promise you, he is not the shining example of manly man perfection she thinks he is. Every relationship that starts out as an affair with a married person is destined for failure.

Well, she's divorced. But I think it was an EA before the BD though. There's just no chance of that coincidence happening randomly because she never goes anywhere "random". This is comforting to hear but still my pessimism kicks in, lol.

They were the boost I needed to get me through the worst part. A couple of months after BD I inexplicably went from feeling OK to suddenly plunging into deep depression. There was no particular trigger, I was doing OK one day and suicidal the next. I got on SSRIs and about 4 weeks later I felt awesome, very much like my old self. I weaned off of them after a few months and never have had depression again. If you think you need a little help then go for it, there's no shame in it. Depression is an illness and SSRIs are medication.

OMG. THIS IS JUST LIKE ME!!! First almost two months I was feeling super good, but last week it hit me hard and especially the OM thing. It literally felt like a knife going through my heart and my hope, dreams, and future falling as pieces down to the floor while my imagination pictured them getting married!

Thanks for the support. I've heard really bad things about SSRIs but I think I'm going for it!

[lcause]

I have to add/correct: the OM is a date, not an affair/R like the previous posts may indicate. At least according to my XW... She said they've been going out a few times. Then again, I have my doubts... the signs were there already before BD.

It probably changes things though if it's just a dating they are taking slowly... then it could last, I guess.

[T384]

All I have to say is that I'm sure it's more than what she 'says'

She BD 2 months ago and already has OM? and You're suppposed to believe it *just* happened??


My H tried that same crap last time... he waited like 3-4 months after BD and then it came out, she 'understood' him, they got close through sharing stories of divorce, blah blah blah.

Come on, I think you're smarter than that.

[lcause]

Yeah. Don't know why she's feeding me the bullcrap of us "finding eachother in the future" though...

Yeah. 2 months BD, then "by coincidence" she found someone and they've been going out "a couple of times", that's it. She doesn't "know" if it's going anywhere or if they are still going to see each other yadayada.

Being in WhatsApp all the time plus all the other signs are really showing that it is probably at physical level. Quite quickly, I have to say. It makes me puke my S is with them when they are doing it :S

[T384]

Well what I have learned is everything out of their mouths is lies.

H looked at me dead in the face, while I was 32 weeks pregnant, and told me there was no way he had bought a motorcycle he said "are you crazy, we have a baby coming, I can't afford that right now"

Mind you I had already followed him, saw him on it, and called our insurance to confirm the purchase.

So their words are just that, words.

That's why they say don't believe anything they say, good or bad. Just remind yourself it's not the truth and IF it is then she can show you it is through actions.

I think your best bet is to leave her be. Let this R run its course. Nothing you say or do is going to stop it. Like Train tells me to be the OW to the OW, be the OM to the OM. Dress nice, wear some new cologne, be quick on your exchanges because you have somewhere to be, who knows maybe you have a date? Let her wonder what you're doing. She will even if she doesn't let on about it. She may even get nasty or cold.

She's trying to keep you as her plan B, as for finding each other in the future, that's if things don't work out for her.

I would ABSOLUTELY not engage in ANY conversation about OM with her. To me that is making you look weak to her... you're her H until D is final, why would you be willing to discuss your W with OM? Their dates, how serious the R is, etc? Just stop doing that. You won't tolerate it.