This forum seems to be dying. How can that be? Did all the SSM people give up and move on? Anyway, it's sad to see the forum so deserted. I'm pretty sure all the LD folks didn't decide to just do it.
I was an active participant here for a couple years. I read Michele's books and thought the TED talks were great. I read everything on the forum, looking for answers and ideas. I'm old now and a lot has happened so I decided to share my story. Maybe someday it will help someone else and perhaps the telling will help me.
My SSM lasted 38 years. But thankfully we were not actually together all that time. I believed in the sanctity of marriage and remained a loyal but angry partner until I found out in 1998 that he had cheated on me and had some issues with porn. That's when I told him he had 10 years to clean up his act and become a real husband or I was leaving. I had no intention of living the rest of my life without sex. We had plenty of money and good insurance. I told him to address his issues. Doctors, psychiatrists, whatever he needed. I was willing to participate in therapy or do anything I could to help him. The only catch was he had to do it himself. I was not going to find a doctor and make his appointments for him. We agreed that 10 years was more than fair. I didn't nag. Maybe once a year or so I would ask him how it was going but I was pretty sure he was doing nothing.
That 10 years wasn't wasted time for me. I used it to GAL and make myself over into a new person. I lost weight, new hair, makeup, and clothes. For the first time in my life, I was a good looking woman. I went through everything in the house and purged till it hurt and then purged some more. I learned much later he told all his friends and relatives that loosing weight made me go crazy!
2008 came and I asked him what he had done and if he was ready to be a husband. My suspicions were right and he had done nothing. It took me a few months to get everything wrapped up but in September I packed up my car grabbed the dogs and moved 2500 miles cross country by myself. Right before I left he told me he never believed I would actually do it.
He stayed on my radar and called me every day. He wanted to get back together but my response was always to ask why. What had changed? And what did he have to offer? We had just started working on the D when he died from a heart attack at 61. I will always feel sorry for him. He missed out on a lot.
I meant it when I said I was not going to die sexless. I did what had to be done and kissed a few frogs. Then I met a real MAN who actually wanted me and liked sex as much as I did. For 2 old people, our sexploits were freaking legendary. For 5 years, we averaged 6 times a day and his personal best was 16 times in 1 24 hr period. He was amazing. Was.
We have been together for 9 years now and the first 5 were off the charts amazing. Then he developed ED and sex ended. It's been more than a year now without sex. Once again I am sexless. But he is trying and going to the doc because he misses it too. So far, no improvement and I don't hold out much hope. But at least I had those 5 good years. I guess I waited too long!
Once again I am sexless. But he is trying and going to the doc because he misses it too. So far, no improvement and I don't hold out much hope.
It seems to me that there is more than one way to roll on this issue. If he wants to FIX the problem then that should be half the battle.
I am interested in why if he wants to do FIX it why there is no movement? I mean as I get older the desire is there even if the physical ability is not, so what gives?
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Hey patty13. Do I know you? Did you have another username when you were here before? I was pretty active here from 2004 to about 2008 - back in the days of Hairdog, Honeypot, MJ, et al.
I'm back now too, but I don't have nearly the story you do. The cold, hard fact is that nothing has ever changed for me. I've had some success with GAL, but as we all know, that only goes so far and can never really replace what we want/need. I'm coming up on 42 years of SSM and I seriously doubt that we've had intercourse 100 times in that span. I've had two or three half-hearted handjobs in the last two or three years. I know nothing is ever going to change.
The only real development has been that I now have low T and the decreased libido from that has made things more bearable for me. It's all still there, I guess you could say that the low T has taken the edge off somewhat. But having said that, I also note that I AM back here looking around again. It still hurts.
If I do know you by another name, I'm sorry to make your (re)acquaintance.
I now have low T and the decreased libido from that has made things more bearable for me.
My guess would be that being in a SSM that long would change your body chemistry as well as - uh AGE. I know that I can not perform like I did when I was 20!
True. But add in age and the fact his insurance is VA. It takes months to get an appointment and you just keep your fingers crossed it doesn't get cancelled. All they have done so far is tell him he has anxiety about his performance.
Well, duh. I already told him that months ago. It doesn't take an MD to figure that out. Probably doesn't help that his partner is an expert on SSM. And yes, he knows all my stories and even knew my H for a while before his death. My past probably makes him even more anxious.
Tick tock. I guess I am impatient because I am getting nothing but older. At this rate it's going to take a year before he even gets a physical completed.
Thanks! Unfortunately the money and great insurance I used to have doesn't exist anymore and I am poor. BTW if you die without a will did you know the spouse only gets half? Amazing how that works.
Seriously, how does 1 person end up in 2 SSM type relationships. Is it ironic or is it because *I* am the common denominator? I have examined myself as carefully as I could and I don't think there is any way I am a sex killer.
I have never turned him down. I am not a nag. I don't try to undermine him or make him feel like less of a man. I am pretty unfailingly kind. I do more than half the cooking, cleaning, etc. I am considerate of his wants and needs. And we still enjoy each other's company.
He says it is his problem. He takes ownership completely and says there is nothing I can do. He will talk about it but even discussing the issue ad nauseum doesn't change anything. I think I miss the intimacy as much as I miss sex. But intimacy carries with it a natural progression towards sex and triggers his performance anxiety. Sigh!
Ahh, GEL, the Green Eyed Lass. I don't think she's still around. I've read through several years of SSM and haven't seen her. If I remember correctly, things had turned around for her and her H. There were a few of us back then that were communicating outside of this forum and I think I have her real name and email. If I can find that contact list, and if you're interested, I could PM her contact info.
I just thought about it and checked my buddy list. Gel is there and her last post was 9 years ago. So unless she's using another name, I would say she's gone.
Back when this forum was really active it was a great source of information. I learned a lot about relationships here and I was constantly surprised there were so many of us. Any idea why the forum is so inactive now?
I know SSM is still a big issue. It hasn't gone away. A couple years ago Huffpost picked up an article I wrote on the topic and I am still getting comments!
I too was surprised at the inactivity here. Back in the olden days there was a lot of participation. There was so much participation that it was frequently hard to keep up. I kind of drifted away for several reasons, but the biggest one was that I felt like I had reached a point where I was no longer benefitting and wasn’t really helping anybody else either. That, and the fact that there was so much activity that it was consuming a huge amount of my time. I felt that I needed a break.
My situation was different from anybody else on the board at the time in that there was no sex in my marriage from the very beginning. There are pages and pages of my story if you go back far enough, but the thumbnail version is that we met while attending a Christian university, and being good kids, we didn’t have premarital sex. We never talked about it, but I guess I just assumed that she was on the same page that I was – interested, but waiting until marriage. It was only after we were married that I learned that she not only had no interest in sex, but was basically repulsed by the whole idea. So while others were talking about where things went wrong, or why their spouses lost interest, mine never had any interest to begin with.
As pretty much everybody in a long-term SSM said, there are cycles in how much it bothers you. It never really goes away, but there are times when you can kind of accept it, and times when it’s nearly unbearable. The low T has been a double-edged sword. In one sense, it’s made things easier. It has lowered my libido, which takes the edge off. But on the other hand, it’s also shined a spotlight on the fact that I’m no spring chicken. I’ve been having a lot of issues with the idea that time is running out – that there’s a lot more sand in the bottom half of the hourglass than in the top.
I know it’s displaced, but due to the time running out thing, I’ve been having anger issues too. I keep it buried, but I can’t help but feel like it’s her fault. Like she’s cheated me out of a decent sex life. We were still teenagers when we got married (she was 18 and I was 19), we’re in our 60’s now, and I’ve NEVER had even a brief stint of decent sex life. And being that we’re in our 60’s, hormone levels in general are declining, I’m having intermittent ED problems, and things are only going to decline further from here.
That’s why I’m back. I don’t know exactly what I came looking for, but this forum helped me so much before that I just knew I would find something. It’s terribly sad that it’s fallen into to this state.
I understand. I can't even tell you how many times I promised myself I was going to have sex again before I died! It was my mantra.
When I look in the rear view mirror, I don't regret my decision. I am glad I got to experience 5 years or so of a great sex life.
Why do people who don't want sex get married? If I knew I felt that way, I would just stay away from relationships where I knew I couldn't hold up my end of the deal!
Your partner has ED, but he has other parts of him that work fine, right?
So why not meet your needs that way?
Apologies to the guys if this sounds harsh, but if you have ED and the "party" is over for you, why does it have to end for your w? I hear of men with tragic physical problems with their sex organs, and they seem to think it's okay to end their wives' sex lives too.
There are plenty of women who crave the intimacy of physical touch even if they cannot "get their cookies" and yet they ML frequently.
Just saying...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks! Unfortunately the money and great insurance I used to have doesn't exist anymore and I am poor. BTW if you die without a will did you know the spouse only gets half? Amazing how that works.
Anyway, I am poor now.
some states give half to the kids, some give half to the parents and some give all to their spouses. Depends on the state.
But, that's why we L's whine about getting a will.
Damn, I have to update mine...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
LOL! His other parts work fine and we have tried. And tried. And tried. But the only sex that works for me is intercourse. The rest of it is OK for foreplay but intercourse is the main event.
And yes, I know that makes me an odd ball. But if I could do it alone, why would I even care what my partner could or couldn't do? And I guess that is also what makes the sexless thing a big deal for me!
It is a shame this part of the forum isn't very active. I contemplated moving my story here but in the end post in mlc forum as there is more traffic.
Wow, what a story. Must be hard......sorry difficult for your new man too. Best wishes
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
