Limerence and My Situation 2

[EastTN]

I suppose I don't like upsetting her as it makes me feel I'm going backwards in showing that "better" person, plus maybe it also pushes her further towards the AP?

It's not a contest between you and AP, and if you try to make it one, you'll lose.

[MrCAS]

Never apologize for being the man you want to be. It takes courage and convictions to set these goals and make these changes.Good on you!

You are right to set boundaries and limits. You have to be steady in your course and maintain them unless something happens that warrants changes.

[MrCAS]

I suppose I don't like upsetting her as it makes me feel I'm going backwards in showing that "better" person, plus maybe it also pushes her further towards the AP?

It's not a contest between you and AP, and if you try to make it one, you'll lose.

Do not do the "Pick Me" dance.

[Parkema]

Hi All,

I hear you, understand she'll never know how I feel and your right each time episodes like these happen it just makes me more hardened to her and maybe when her A goes bad IF it does I might not want anything to do with her.

I don't intend to go back on all my hard work now and not seeing her is making it easier to move on with my life continuing to DR and getting out enjoying myself.

Thanks again.

Mark.

[Parkema]

Hello All,

Just venting...WW dropped off boys today after asking me to change our schedule for visitation AGAIN. I now know that there was a possibility that she wanted to play happy families with AP/LO and his children, when I refused due to having plans with the boys arranged she went quiet and I knew something was coming.

As she dropped the boys off she asked me for my keys to the family home back due to her's busting. This really annoyed me as it basically puts a full stop on my involvement back there and feel she's handing them over to him.

She is to pick up the boys later today as it's her turn for them to stay over, I wonder if she got another set cut? I doubt it.

As angry as I am about these things there's nothing much left she can throw at me when she doesn't get her way and each time it helps me drop the rope that little bit more...

[Btrow]

Mark,

I don't remember your legal status regarding the family home, but they are just keys. You probably don't need them anyway (right now). Since you are well educated regarding limerence, you knew this was coming. Just a small bump in the road. Small price to pay for standing up for your own boundaries regarding visitation agreements.

Stay strong.

[SJW]

Hi Mark

I'm with Btrow, they are just keys. You are doing a remarkable job. Do the keys affect your R with your boys - no - what else matters. She's in lala land for who knows how long, you my friend are in reality. Don't get upset over the keys that's what she wants a negative reaction. Come on charge neutral!

SJ

[Parkema]

Hello All,

I have recently read a thread of someone standing for his marriage for the past 11 years and it really hit home, I’m at a point in my DR’ing where I feel I can’t see a successful resolution to my situation.
For me as anybody knows who’s been keeping up with my sitch a successful resolution would be for my WW and I to reconcile, after 8-months and me having to live separately from my family I don’t see this happening.

In the early stages I found detachment really hard as part of my method for manging this was to be able to show WW a new and improved me doing all MWD would suggest, over the months I have got better at this BUT her R with the AP/LO seems to be getting stronger and stronger. This is very disheartening and wonder if anybody else has noticed this cycle BUT still resulted in reconciliation and piecing of their M?

I have now started looking at myself and where I feel have caused our M to break down.
1. Taking her for granted – basically I felt as most on here would that I would never be in this position so didn’t really work at making her feel happy. I probably detached better whilst in my M than when I’m separated…
2. Intimacy – I can’t believe this but we possibly didn’t get intimate enough! Unfortunately as a Mr Nice Guy I would typically do anything to avoid disappointment and failure, this possibly materialised with me feeling if I intimated sex and she would turn me down I saw that as a failure and this in turn prevented me from taking the lead in the bedroom department. Typically we would have had sex at least once a week and our duvet days were some of the best days of OUR lives!
3. Mr Nice Guy – this is so clear to me now, for example disciplining the boys I would leave to her and she hated being the nasty parent in the R also little things like going to the bar or counter to order and pay, not exactly manly and due to this and others she would feel she had to be the head of the family and in turn challenge me at every opportunity. Respect soon disappeared as well has the love. I have invested a lot of time into this subject and have started a thread on these boards but is quite hard to change habits that have been instilled in me since my Dad died when I was 7.
4. Communication – believe it or not I don’t communicate that well. Anyone who knows the ColourWorks method of people management will understand this: my wife is a yellow person and possibly slightly narcissistic, yellow people are very extrovert and outgoing. I on the other hand am a blue person, cold, calculating and very systematic! As you can see almost chalk and cheese, did she want someone who could “hold a room”?

Don’t get me wrong I hold 50% of the responsibility for our M ending but am in a place where I can rectify my issues and now that you know where I fell down could I ask for your advice as to how I can get better at the above failings?

I continue to:
• Have NC except the drop-off and pick-up times. I never email, text or call unless absolutely necessary (emergencies).
• Work on me physically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually.
• Smile, basically at EVERY opportunity I emit a friendly, warm welcoming and confident individual who’s happy in his own skin. I will continue to be a safe place for my WW if and when she needs it but don’t see this happening any time soon.
• GAL especially with my children, I walk well hike now a lot and continue to play football every week. Everything else revolves around the boys.

I’m feeling defeated and see no positivity in my situation but know this is not going to happen overnight and patients is key BUT without signs of some kind of improvement I feel totally deflated.

Struggling.

Mark.

[AnotherStander]

For me as anybody knows who’s been keeping up with my sitch a successful resolution would be for my WW and I to reconcile

Here's a bit of a wakeup call Park. Have you read any of the piecing threads? 25? TXHubby? Blu? Storm? Are they and their spouses skipping off into the sunset hand-in-hand? The reality is "getting them back" isn't all it's cracked up to be, especially after an affair. It's almost impossible to rebuilt trust, and the WAS will not just go back to normal, they are not who they were before and never will be again. So in many ways it's trying to build a relationship with a new person, one that's already proven you can't trust them. Obviously the whole purpose of DBing is to save your M, but the reality is you should be trying to save yourself, the M is secondary. If you emerge from this a stronger, better, more independent you then that's a successful resolution. And THAT you is going to have an amazing relationship, maybe with your W or maybe with someone new.

BUT her R with the AP/LO seems to be getting stronger and stronger. This is very disheartening and wonder if anybody else has noticed this cycle BUT still resulted in reconciliation and piecing of their M?

Yes. Some of the personal stories I heard at Retrouvaille were astonishing. Marriages rebuilt after impossible circumstances.

I have now started looking at myself and where I feel have caused our M to break down.

That's all some very good introspection. Nicely done on that list. Now take that and learn from it. Don't look at yourself as a failure, none of us got "husband" lessons before getting married. We can't change what we did or didn't do, but we can learn from it and become better H's for this woman or the next.

I continue to:
• Have NC except the drop-off and pick-up times. I never email, text or call unless absolutely necessary (emergencies).
• Work on me physically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually.
• Smile, basically at EVERY opportunity I emit a friendly, warm welcoming and confident individual who’s happy in his own skin. I will continue to be a safe place for my WW if and when she needs it but don’t see this happening any time soon.
• GAL especially with my children, I walk well hike now a lot and continue to play football every week. Everything else revolves around the boys.

Great stuff, keep it up!

I’m feeling defeated and see no positivity in my situation but know this is not going to happen overnight and patients is key BUT without signs of some kind of improvement I feel totally deflated.

But YOU are improving. Hopefully you'll get your W back someday, but DBing is about you, becoming the best you that you can be and in the process, at some point you'll stop needing your W. You may still -want- her, but you won't -need- her. You'll get there, just give yourself time.

[TxHubby]

I don't remember the whole story but why did you move out? Cheaters move out, not loyal spouses.