What should I be doing now? (Filing for D soon)

[Coconut]

1: how often do you see your son/stepson?

2: Why do you think he and your mom both were so supportive of you saying you'd file?

3: Also, sorry to be nit picky but you're not really "asking" her for a divorce. You're just telling her that you are going to file. The state grants the divorce, not your spouse. In the old days, you'd see on TV that some people would say "I'll NEVER GIVE you a divorce!!"For better/worse, it only takes one spouse to divorce now.

4: Anyhow, just to clarify, are you closer to some family now, or what?

5: Did you move to get away from the situation or b/c you had already wanted to?

6: Are you okay living in NC for good?

I'm on my iPad and it's hard to copy and paste the quotes, so I numbered them instead...

1. I moved out of state 5 months ago, and I set up leave from work to see him every two months for at least 3 days each time, except for in July, his birthday (on 11/28) which ties into thanksgiving, and Christmas where I'll be there for over a week each time.

2. My mom knew the full story and saw my heart shattered (she was willing to give me 10k to just file with a lawyer and get it done, but FL has an amicable D path that will only cost me a few hundred bucks) and my son just gets it, he sees the changes in my WW and doesn't like her anymore either (I never told him of the A).

3 if she agrees to irreconcilable differences, the cost is way lower and we don't even have to fill out financial paperwork, as long as we agree that all assets and debts have been split (which they have and she got more assets because I didn't want anything we acquired during marriage).

4. I'm closer to all my family than she is, and I believe even her family enjoys spending time with me than her, although I'd never express that. But her family complains about her obsession with her phone.

5. I was trying to move to NC when I met her, I was just having a hard time finding work her at the time, but I became a subject matter expert while with her in F (couldn't move because of step son), and now I am sought after wherever I want to go.

6. I love it here in NC, might move again, but never back to FL unless it was for my mom or family necessity.

[Coconut]

Blu,

Coconut is a real man; he watches Frozen from his boat that he has parked in his living room.

Haha, that was a while ago, the boat has since been put in the garage... But I'm not afraid to keep my living areas to my liking

[Tobias]

"I love it here in NC, might move again, but never back to FL"

As someone who is currently in FL and wants to get out. I wholeheartedly agree. It has given my W and me a lot of positives and personal development but it has also destroyed our M. Not that moving fixes everything but a lot (health, career potential, the State) creates strain.

[BluWave]

I only have a few min, as I am running out the door, but I will be back. I am not shocked that you are ready to file, but I am shocked by your response.

Here is my impression with the little that I know here. While you have been pondering filing soon, this was a knee jerk reaction and perhaps your way of blame shifting? There has been little communication with her and there has been this lull of silence and maybe you were waiting for that last piece of straw to announce "enough is enough!"

The tone of your text from where I sit appears exaggerated and unfair to W. You say "escape your drama" and are somehow blaming her for someone else's behavior. C-nut, she is in a different state. She didn't even know what you were talking about. This was a year ago that her and this friend wronged you, no? So why is your W being blamed for her friends actions today? Then she apologizes and you continue your assault.

I am confused by it all. what did I miss? This feels like the reactive C-nut that started posting here one year ago. I was hoping for you, that when you decided to file for D, you would take a higher road than this. Your D is not about this one lady and someones kid and what they said, or he said, she said. It is bigger than that. This is your M and your life. ... I also thought you were getting to a place where it could be more amicable than this sort of bickering text interaction. The new and improved C-nut doesn't fire off like this anymore, right? .... OK. 2*4 complete. Sorry. Those were my initial thoughts.

I will be back, I am not done with you. :-)
Blu

[Coconut]

I agree Blu, I woke up feeling ashamed at how I presented my decision. I do regret mixing my frustration with my asking for an amicable D. But I am ready to D, so I am unable to determine away to make amends for my approach.

I've considered letting her know that I regret the way I handled it, but I am not sure it will result in any benefit for her or me in doing so.

Her only response to me was that she new it was going to happen, but it became real when I said it..

[25yearsmlc]

I agree Blu, I woke up feeling ashamed at how I presented my decision. -

Her only response to me was that she new it was going to happen, but it became real when I said it..

2 questions/comments

I missed out on why she has not filed for the divorce since she's in an A

and I cannot help but wonder if the concept of you filing, gave you a sense of some control.

There's nothing wrong with that! I'm just saying it seems like you got a response, and you wanted one.

I think Blu had a good point about your w's lack of involvement in real time. For all we know, the kid repeated something she heard long ago or that the "former friend" blurted out without thought

neither of which have anything to do with your w, now.

But it triggered something in you, obviously. And that is where you are.

Do you feel like you have to follow through now, and if so, is it b/c of the texting

or b/c it's what you are ready to do?

[Coconut]

Clarification, my frustration was solely that this friend said that I didnt like her simply because she was friends with my wife... I had no issue with my buddies daughter telling me that this friend said hi, that didn't bother me at all and why I told her to say hi back, I only mentioned it because it was what initiated me finding out why I was apparently mad at her. My only frustration was the half truth that was told, which I felt made me look petty.

25:
1. I do not know why she hasn't filed for D, I gave up hoping she would initiate it months ago.. And I don't know if she is still involved with OM, or anyone else. I literally have NO idea what is going on in her life.

2. Of course there is a sense of control by deciding your ready to file for D, mostly because I'm controlling my status... I know it's not honorable, But I did like the idea that it would likely hurt her a little when I finally told her, but I did not ever imagine that I would use it as a weapon.

3. I am ready to D, but I will hold off a little while if she's not emotionally ready to do it now, I'm really not trying to do it to hurt her, but I want it for me.


And I decided that I wanted to apologize to her, so I texted:

"I regret mixing my frustration with friends nonsense (which I realize you had nothing to do with) with letting you know I was ready to file if you're ok with it. It was not fair for me to do that.

It appears that the petition has to be signed in person at the courthouse, doesn't need to be at the same time, then we both will need to appear in court together to agree the marriage is irretrievably broken.

I won't be down there until late September, and if you're ready to file, I will go by the courthouse when I go down there.

I want to say again that I apologize for the way I told you, I did not make the decision because of the drama, and I shouldn't have told you because of it either."

[BluWave]

I think you should wait. I don't think you are ready. I think you still have a lot of feelings for her. There I said it. And when you do decide to file, please let that be separate from all the other people and small details.

And in terms of you looking petty from half truths? I doubt it. People will make their own judgments and opinions based on what they see. And what you put out there will change their minds. If not, F-um!

My H did the most dirt bag thing in the world. As far as I can see, all of our friends and family support him and us. Why? Because he has made things better, he is accountable, and each day he shows that he is remorseful and overall a good man. Even when I gripe and moan about him to my girlfriends--they listen and validate because they care about me--but they still know and see that he is a great guy that happened to royally F up a couple years ago.

Blu

[Coconut]

I think you should wait. I don't think you are ready. I think you still have a lot of feelings for her. There I said it.

Yes, you've said it, and I've wondered it, over and over.. Wondered what my feelings really are, and I will be the first to say that I really don't know.

I've tried to figure out why I lashed out at her about what the friend said, why I didn't just drop it. Maybe it was because I wanted to talk to her about something other than my son, maybe it was because I really wanted her to be sorry, to say that it hurts her that all this happened and that it continues.. I just don't know.

What I do know is that my new life without her is good, that I can truly say that I'm happy. I don't miss her, I don't yearn for her and I almost never think about her. I know that I dreaded it when I heard that friend moved up here, because I knew her connection to my best friend would result in us seeing each other, that seeing her here would bring part of "that old life" into my new life. Does that mean there are still feelings for her that I don't want to remember? Again I wonder.

I ask myself what could possibly happen that we could reconcile, what would I need before I would even consider it. I don't even try to think about what she would need, because I can barely wrap my head around what she could do to convince me to want to even try to put in the work.

1. Because she refused to go NC, and instead buried herself deeper into the FD where he was, I no longer would just need NC with OM, but NC with anything to do with the FD... So she would need to completely step away from the thing that gave her the most pride I saw in her during our 8 years together.. Would she do such a thing, would I want the woman who was left if she did? Even if she completely walked away today, I wouldn't even consider it until time went by, and I don't know if I'd be willing to wait another 6 mos to a year to see what she does to fill that void.

2. Trust... Not a single step has been taken towards trusting her, in fact I'm so far away from feeling I can trust her that I don't know if she could ever show enough remorse that I would ever trust it to be real. I think the last thing I trusted in her was that she would at least be a good mom to my son, and I've realized recently that she failed at that and locks her self in her room and leaves my son to take care of himself, with little to no family time...

3. Living arrangements - we live in different states, and I would not move back to FL.. I don't think that this is too big a barrier, as we often talked about moving north when son went to college.. But deciding to reconcile would require some face to face time, and quite frankly I really don't relish the idea of her coming up here. Maybe it's because of pain returning if I was to spend time with her, or maybe it's just that I don't want to spend time with her at all, I'm not sure.

Yes Blu, I agree that it was petty of me to throw out D when I was upset with her (wrongly so) for the drama that entered my new life... It was reactive of me, and I think it was due to me being so out of practice of dealing with anger, since it's been awhile since I've been angry... And while I agree that I probably do still have feelings for her, I dont agree that I'm not ready, because I do feel that I both want to D her and am ready to do so.

But then again, what do I really know, I'm just along for the ride where my M is concerned.

[Coconut]

Tuesday I sent the text apologizing for the way I told her I want a D. She responded appreciating my apology, the only contact I've gotten from her.

Friday, yesterday, I followed up with a text I told her I would send letting her know what info I would need to complete the paperwork. Let her know I just needed to know date she moved to the county she lives in and if she wants to be known by her previous name.

Will she change her name back. I got to admit, that's a tough thing to think about now, and I'm not sure how I will feel about her answer. There was a time I didn't want her to share my family name, when she changed her social media to her first and middle name way back when, I was ok with that. The thought of erasing it legally makes me feel that nothing came of the last 8 years of my life, like everything that existed had been erased and I have nothing to show for it.

The "normal" course for a man is to get M, bring a woman into the family and share your name, buy a family home, and have children, hopefully one of which is a boy to continue the family name (I know it's primal thinking in today's society, but I'm watching game of thrones and that's what it was all about for them, and the desire to pass on the bloodline exists in every species).. After 8 years, we've sold the family home, she wasn't able to have my child, and her name will likely be changed.

FYI - I'm not discounting my R with my step-son, to me he is 100% my son and I raised him and feel about him as such. The only good I see coming out of my M is my bond with my son, I believe his R with me is the best parent - son relationship he has.

But I still can't shake the feeling that I wasted my last 8 years, they were the pivotal years for me to have a child (I won't have another, I don't want to be retired with a child still in school).. Knowing what I know now, I wonder if I would of left her upon finding out she was infertal. Wow, these are dark thoughts I'm having, but I am having them just the same. I didn't leave her, my desire to grow old with her far outweighed my desire to leave her to start a family... Now I have neither.