T384: I know, I know. I know. I really should move forward and stop obsessing. My point was that I think our cultures are different. I don't know a single couple who would have separated with one spouse not willing to work on the marriage, but still being married. If one of the spouses does not want to work on it, what's the point in staying married??? That's how it goes in here. There's still the 6m-1y "thinking period", where the D can be put through (well min 6m, max 1y). For example we didn't even try separation before D, D was filed before separation. I don't think my WAS is any different from others in here, just that the culture is different. Maybe I am wrong.
Yes, I think this eventually ends up in D going through on her part but it doesn't have to. I know I can't trust any of her words but "I never said we can't be a couple in the future" "time will show" "6 months can tell if this was the right decision" etc. are odd comments to make if they are dead-set on moving on.
Hope for the better future
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
I asked today if could take my kids out as the weather is super nice. I wonder if I am doing this correctly - 180 by being a much more attentive father who wants to take his kids out. Previously I was too lazy, and I hate myself for it - I love being out with the kids!
I know this has been discussed a lot of times but I have to ask: is validating enough for conversations? I feel like I have dropped the "bye" way too early in our conversations, which have been quite short. My wife has sent me a couple of messages later on each time. Should I wait for her to speak more or am I doing it right? Should I share what I did with the kids even if she doesn't ask (as she has always sent a message afterwards how the day went) or just share the important matters (when they ate, how the S slept).
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
I asked today if could take my kids out as the weather is super nice. I wonder if I am doing this correctly - 180 by being a much more attentive father who wants to take his kids out.
Well yeah, spending more time with your kids can never be wrong regardless of the status of your M!
Quote:
I know this has been discussed a lot of times but I have to ask: is validating enough for conversations? I feel like I have dropped the "bye" way too early in our conversations, which have been quite short. My wife has sent me a couple of messages later on each time. Should I wait for her to speak more or am I doing it right? Should I share what I did with the kids even if she doesn't ask (as she has always sent a message afterwards how the day went) or just share the important matters (when they ate, how the S slept).
Give her time and space. Do not initiate conversations with her. If she initiates then just listen and (if it calls for it) validate. When you have the kids don't send her pictures of what y'all are doing, don't send her updates, don't send her info on what they ate or how they slept or ANYTHING. It sounds to me like you're looking for excuses to contact her and you want us to give you permission. NO, DO NOT CONTACT HER. Leave her alone. It's what she wants right now.
I recommend not contacting. You want her to see photos of you and kids having fun. Then post those photos on FB without tagging her. Spending time with your children is for you an them. But there is nothing wrong with letting the world seeing you all have fun. And if your W just happens to be in the world seeing that, then that's even better.
Give her time and space. Do not initiate conversations with her. If she initiates then just listen and (if it calls for it) validate. When you have the kids don't send her pictures of what y'all are doing, don't send her updates, don't send her info on what they ate or how they slept or ANYTHING. It sounds to me like you're looking for excuses to contact her and you want us to give you permission. NO, DO NOT CONTACT HER. Leave her alone. It's what she wants right now.
Yeah, I know the rules. I just... it's a bit annoying that she messages me every time afterwards asking the questions I could've said. Of course I share what they have eaten because she needs to know that (especially the S) and how S has slept, if the bottles have been used and whatnot. But that's it, I don't share anything more except when she asks afterwards.
Lol. I failed at weekend. I broke the screen of my phone and my friend sent a message asking where I am, I should join them to a concert. I pressed it but somehow it opened WhatsApp to the conv between my wife and I. I meant to send my friend an inside joke (everyone knows it in here) about the artist and told "him" that I broke my phone's screen...
My XW seemed extremely interested about it asking a few questions etc. Almost like she was scared I was seeing someone else... Even though I told her when we discussed the last time that I am not ready for an R, but I think the WAS trusts 0% of what LBSs say and only half of what they do, as well.
Originally Posted By: Tread
I recommend not contacting. You want her to see photos of you and kids having fun. Then post those photos on FB without tagging her. Spending time with your children is for you an them. But there is nothing wrong with letting the world seeing you all have fun. And if your W just happens to be in the world seeing that, then that's even better.
I think uploading the photos to my FB would come up as a way of indirectly messaging her, since the last update I've done was at 2011. I don't use FB and I don't have photos of my kids online (I don't particularly feel good about uploading photos of my kids online).
I could of course revamp my FB profile, as I eventually have to anyways. Everyone is there and it's odd if someone isn't. I haven't seen a particularly good reason to be active in social media.
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
So I took my kids out as it was a nice day. Bought an ice cream for my D and we went to do some "parkour" When I took them back my XW asked if I could help feed S since XW had some headache. Said of course because I want to be with the kids as much as I can.
Now, I need to clarify a bit what I've written in the past. I don't think I hate my previous ex that much because she cheated on me... more so because it was with my then-best friend who I had been best friends since we were 5 years old or so. To this day, I haven't been able to start our friendship again. He said later that he was sorry and that the previous ex is a b&#%�! (they were together less than a year). This was in 2011. He asked me to go drink some whiskey at his place but I haven't spoken with him since, he never contacted me again. I don't think I could really keep him as a close friend anymore.
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
But you guys are already divorced I thought. I mean, I'm confused b/c sometimes I read your situation as if you are wondering about reconciling but your w acts as if she has moved on and has actually filed and you or she moved out, right?
I'm about to date and only a small part of me resists that b/c I'm not legally divorced yet. I certainly would not call it an "affair", not to mention that h is "in a relationship" on fb. Am I missing something?
25, as you are one of the most knowledgeable ones in here, I wanted to ask you: is my situation more hopeless than when compared to the other ones? If you read my explanation of the cultural difference when it comes to marriage and divorce (for example, we are not religious at all), does this situation sound so much different than other WAS cases? Also, we do not lose any money in divorce, except for me as I have to buy everything
Curious: is the WAS trying to alleviate some guilt by saying things like "I never said we can't be a couple in the future" "future shows" etc? My WAS has never said that she hates me or that I was the only problem in our marriage. She also claims to remember good parts. Originally when I told her that I'm going to change for myself and agreed that future shows, also that I love my family and would like to see us together someday, she told me "those sound like a good plan". It is probably just an act and the script is playing behind the cover. I also know I can't trust these at all, but I find it odd that my XW doesn't seem to really hate me at all. She doesn't temp check either, but she does send pictures of the kids etc. There has been like 2 x 1 day without a contact, but otherwise she always finds a way to send something about the kids.
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
...for what I know, all this could be a misdirection to get me believing something/keeping me as a plan B while she is actively trying to build an R with someone else. Who knows. The odd thing is that day by day this thought is getting less and less severe effects in my stomach. Maybe this is the detaching people keep mentioning?
Been reading DR and noticing so many points. It's so odd. Most of this is almost common sense - still it isn't when you are in marriage and can't see past yourself! It's odd... Some of the stuff still makes me emotional and wishing that my XW would be reading the same book with the same mindset. But I am so glad I found this because I'm certainly going to be a much better spouse the next time, holy cow.
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
But you guys are already divorced I thought. I mean, I'm confused b/c sometimes I read your situation as if you are wondering about reconciling but your w acts as if she has moved on and has actually filed and you or she moved out, right?
I'm about to date and only a small part of me resists that b/c I'm not legally divorced yet. I certainly would not call it an "affair", not to mention that h is "in a relationship" on fb. Am I missing something?
25, as you are one of the most knowledgeable ones in here, I wanted to ask you: is my situation more hopeless than when compared to the other ones? If you read my explanation of the cultural difference when it comes to marriage and divorce (for example, we are not religious at all), does this situation sound so much different than other WAS cases? Also, we do not lose any money in divorce, except for me as I have to buy everything Most couples who come here do not end up in restored, happy marriages. But some do.
In your case your wife has, from day one, held out hope that you will change - in ways that sound pretty reasonable (based on your own descriptions).
She still does.
Curious: is the WAS trying to alleviate some guilt by saying things like "I never said we can't be a couple in the future" "future shows" etc? My WAS has never said that she hates me or that I was the only problem in our marriage. Imo, it's NOT guilt. Either she has sincere hope you can step up to the plate,
and or she sees you as option B
Option B may feel really bad to hear and it might be bad in reality.
It might also be that her hopes for real change on your part, are dwindling.
She also claims to remember good parts. Then thank God.
Originally when I told her that I'm going to change for myself and agreed that future shows, also that I love my family and would like to see us together someday, she told me "those sound like a good plan". It is probably just an act and the script is playing behind the cover.
are you trying to talk yourself out of changing, or what??
I also know I can't trust these at all, but I find it odd that my XW doesn't seem to really hate me at all. She doesn't temp check either, but she does send pictures of the kids etc. There has been like 2 x 1 day without a contact, but otherwise she always finds a way to send something about the kids.
Work on you and be grateful you got the BD while there might still be time...use it wisely
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Most couples who come here do not end up in restored, happy marriages. But some do.
In your case your wife has, from day one, held out hope that you will change - in ways that sound pretty reasonable (based on your own descriptions).
Imo, it's NOT guilt. Either she has sincere hope you can step up to the plate,
and or she sees you as option B
Option B may feel really bad to hear and it might be bad in reality.
It might also be that her hopes for real change on your part, are dwindling.
Then thank God.
are you trying to talk yourself out of changing, or what??
Work on you and be grateful you got the BD while there might still be time...use it wisely
Oh, it sounds that way? Well, we are separated etc. so it obviously doesn't FEEL that way for me, but your comment was nice to read. Of course we don't know how she feels but sure does feel good to hear something like that. And obviously most couples do not end back together, no matter what people say - it's still far more common to end up divorced - since it technically is "too little, too late" especially in WAS cases. Luck plays a really big part in it too. The WAS can always find a "better" spouse who can support their needs before the doubt appears/LBS has changed enough/LBS is attractive for them.
Being a plan B is really bad, indeed. Unless plan B eventually turns up as plan A, of course. If it turns to be more towards a WW case later on, I'm not going to be a doormat, I've never been like that - not with my previous ex either.
No, no, no. You got me wrong. I am not trying to stop changing, of course not! If I don't change, my entire future is ruined no matter who I end up being with or where I end up going! I just speculated that there is a possibility since we never know... if it is GUILT ALLEVIATION, then it could be that she wants to make me "feel good" but "not hope too much". Like soften the blow, even if it ironically is really the other way around (certainly dealing with the worst from the get go is easier). If you know what I mean.
I am really grateful about the BD because it made me realize what I need from life. What my priorities SHOULD be and what parts of my life are really irrelevant. It is just kind of ironic how it really needs something like this... maybe depression and longer term problems in marriage just make people feel too accustomed to their life/too accepting to stop pursuing their dreams and goals.
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
