Finding my way in the dark - Part 2

[Holding]

Yes tell us about the third child if you feel it's relevant. Sorry you're going through this and I agree it's moving fast -- fasten your seatbelt and take care of yourself!

The third child issue goes back about 6 years. W has always been cold in the sack, and my dissatisfaction was an ongoing issue. It reached a point where we had a real SSM. W claimed that she was having medical issues (fibromyalgia) that made it very uncomfortable. It was driving me crazy. It would keep me up at night, thinking about it, beating myself up mentally, wondering why I wasn't wanted. I was dying inside. I was trying all the time and getting shot down. I actually prayed for god to take my libido away, so I would stop suffering. For about 5 months I made a plan to make it happen as much as possible. The end result was that we'd ML about twice a month.

I then reached a point where, one night, I was just laying there, I got shot down, and I realized it was totally out of my hands. I stopped blaming myself. I stopped wanting it. Something inside me changed. After that we usually ML about once a month - when she was ovulating. It was at that point that she said she wanted to try for a third child. I felt like I was just being used for sperm. She only wanted to ML if it meant we'd have a kid.

I told her that if she wanted another kid, she'd have to cut back at work. I was really stressed at home, taking care of the household and the boys (dinner, homework, bedtime) while she was getting ahead at work. Plus money was very tight. I knew I wouldn't be able to mentally handle another child unless she made some kind of change (cutting back hours and stop fast-tracking her career). She said she'd try. She maybe made a change for a little while, but went back to the old ways. ML continued at once per month.

At one point she thought she might have missed a period. I got really freaked out. I remember I kind of had a panic attack sitting on the sofa. I was terrified of what another child would bring. About a week later, W said she'd gotten her period. It was at that point that I decided that I wanted to get the snip-snip. I couldn't go through this any more. My biggest mistake was not talking to W about this moment.

So I told her I wanted the procedure. I explained that we couldn't afford a baby and it would be too much for us to handle logistically. I told her it was what I wanted. She was upset, but seemed to accept it. She drove me to the procedure and even watched. That was 5 years ago.

So like I've said, if I had a time machine, I would go back to this time and be much more open to my wife about what I was feeling and thinking. I would talk out the decision more with her before I'd made my mind up.

After that ML was not the same. W started having really bad periods and got on the pill to regulate. So she wasn't ovulating any more. ML dried up to maybe once every 3-4 months. We talked about it, but I just wasn't able to initiate due to how rejected I felt.

About maybe 8 months ago, well before BD, W asked me if I would be willing to adopt. I told her I wasn't sure I'd be able to love an adopted child the same way I loved my own.

So at BD, she blamed me for robbing her of a daughter 5 years ago. When I mentioned that she never cut back at work, she said "Don't try to turn this around on me." She said what I said about not wanting to adopt was a horrible thing. How could I not care about a baby?

I've always felt like W wanted a dollhouse family. Something that looks amazing, but something she can put away and ignore for a while and not really put hard work into. Sometimes I think maybe this D is a blessing in disguise. Then I think of my kids and feel horrible for them.

[Holding]

Last night W and I discussed some things about the D.

Before we started though, W was really irritated when I got home, it was a level of upset that I haven't seen toward me since before BD. She was upset bc I was home late (9:30) and thought I hadn't made arrangements for the boys' dinner like I said I would. I had made arrangements (I called and told them about food in the fridge) but it wasn't what she thought I was going to do.

We moved into the MBR and continued the discussion with the door locked. She kept going on about how upset she was, how I said I was going to take care of dinner, and she started dropping the F bomb. I told her I didn't want to hear that kind of talk. I asked if we could talk about what we had planned on discussing - what to tell the kids. She agreed but was irritated.

She wanted to say the standard stuff, like we love you both and make sure things are good for you. But sometimes people in marriage have adult problems and can't get along any more. She wanted to stress to them that there's no hope of us working it out. It sounded pretty okay, but I reminded her that I was going to tell them this wasn't what I want and wasn't my decision. She got defensive again, but said "Fine, you say what you think you need to say." I reminded her that she is the one who wants this. She tried to guilt me by saying my IC (who wife knows) would never agree with what I wanted to do. I told her my IC did agree with me, and W seemed a little surprised by that.

W starts to talk about logistics - her vision of how we would split things in the house, time with the kids, vacation time. On the surface it all seemed very fair, but I was of course suspicious. She said she would not seek child support, since we'd each have 50% time. At this point in the conversation, her mood seemed to lighten a little, and it was almost like a little of the old W was starting to come out. She started painting a picture that was a lot like our current life, except for us living in separate houses. She envisioned us keeping our own salaries and retirement plans (hmmmmm).

She asked if what she said seemed fair, I said on a quick surface glance it did, but I would have to think about it. She suggested I write down my wish list for things so that we can have something to work with in mediation. She's still hoping we use her L friend in mediation.

She said her L was going to email me a waiver to serve. I told her I wasn't sure I wanted to sign, because it can sometimes waive things other than just serving of papers.

She started asking who I'm getting legal advice from. I wouldn't tell her. She complained about the lack of trust between us. She can't stand not knowing.

She didn't understand why I had to be so secretive. At some point she asked me if I was having an affair. I sat there for a few moments and said no.

We talked about putting the house on the market. She wants to sell it as is and put in minimal work to fix it up. We agreed we can't afford our own places until the house is sold.

This was all so matter of fact on her part. It kind of depressed me how much she wants all this, how much she's willing to destroy just to get away from me.

I had a backslide. I asked her why she was doing all this, why she wanted a divorce. I said I understood the reasons she wanted to go, but they just didn't seem to add up. I said everyone I've told about our problems said that what's happened between us is fixable. She didn't believe that, and said deep inside, there's just too much hurt in her heart. She talked about how things could've been better between us if we'd done X, Y, Z, but we didn't and it's too late. I said I realized it [censored]. She said it's just gone too far. I agreed and said I'm sorry it's gone too far.

(Once again, no talk of OM.)

After the talk W's mood seemed lighter. She asked if she could take a bath in the MBR bath while I was in the shower stall (which hasn't happened since she's been sleeping in the guest room). I told her to just wait until I was done.

Her L has emailed me the waiver to serve. I'm about to pull the trigger on my own L in the next day or two. I just don't feel like I can trust W or the L friend.

[Holding]

Now I'm sitting here, beating myself up, second guessing myself. I'm wondering if I made all this worse by DB'ing. Last night she said how she can't live in emotional isolation. That's what I did for the past six months when I was depressed (before BD), and that's what she thinks I've continued to do since I started DB'ing. What if I'm wrong about OM and she's really been honest the whole time?

God, I'm in such a fog of doubt right now.

[doodler]

holding,

Don't sign anything before talking to a lawyer. The child support is based on income differential as well as how much time the children are staying with each parent. Your wife may have to pay you child support. DON'T SIGN ANYTHING.

[doodler]

holding,

In addition to not signing anything, you should also refrain from beating yourself up. Remember the DB credo; believe nothing she says and half of what she does.

I went through a crisis myself, when I thought maybe I'd screwed-up everything. But, as time went on, I realized my wife was just blowing smoke up my @ss. Wayward spouses seem to know exactly which buttons to press to get the desired response.

[Holding]

Thanks, doodler. I realize W is blowing smoke. She definitely knows what buttons to push. The hard part is that even when I'm aware she's doing it, it's still hard for it to not affect me.

[Accuray]

Please read what I wrote to hvyhp about sex starved marriages and then explain to me why you want to save this?

I realize we're just getting your side of the story and seeing her through the key hole you present.

Don't waive anything without talking to a lawyer, you're entitled to child support, alimony and half of your collective assets.

The only way you can convince W that you're emotionally available is for her to see that in your relationships with other people, not with her. You did not make a mistake by DB'ing

Acc

[Holding]

Please read what I wrote to hvyhp about sex starved marriages and then explain to me why you want to save this?

I actually saw your posts to hvyhp when you made them, but I just re-read them for good measure. Yeah, they did hit a little close to home for me. So why do I want to save this? Well, at this point I'm not even sure I do any more. The part that thinks this could still work is so minuscule. But if I rewind mentally a month (still post BD), I can tell you what I was thinking...

I felt like if I upped my affection and compliments with W, the SSM might disappear. I hoped she would warm to me if I could give her the kind of things she needed in the MR. I told myself that affection (hugs, kisses, holding hands, saying ILY) and ML were part of the same cycle - like yin yang. I told myself if I was consistent with the affection then ML would follow.

But why did I want that? Well, the emotional pain at BD was almost crippling. I was a mess. Before BD I was bitter and resentful, and even thought about D myself, though never said anything. But the BD put me into panic mode where I felt like I NEEDED to fix things between us. To me the intense pain was a sign that I did indeed still have a deep love for W.

Another issue for me is my sense of commitment. Making a promise and keeping it is a HUGE part of my personality. I guess I take those M vows very seriously. Plus my kids need a stable environment and don't deserve to live with D'd parents. (Sigh) At this point, I'm open to the fact that my sense of commitment is hurting me.

Don't waive anything without talking to a lawyer, you're entitled to child support, alimony and half of your collective assets.

I've spoken to a lawyer. I will not be signing the waiver.

The only way you can convince W that you're emotionally available is for her to see that in your relationships with other people, not with her. You did not make a mistake by DB'ing.

Thanks for the support!

[Accuray]

But why did I want that? Well, the emotional pain at BD was almost crippling. I was a mess. Before BD I was bitter and resentful, and even thought about D myself, though never said anything. But the BD put me into panic mode where I felt like I NEEDED to fix things between us. To me the intense pain was a sign that I did indeed still have a deep love for W.

I think you're concluding the wrong thing here -- the intense pain was a sign that you valued your stability and control over your life. Your brain convinced you that getting W back was the fastest way to restore them, so that's why you're feeling "in love" feelings. Totally normal and happens to everyone but with perspective you'll see it.

If you step back, why would you be "in love" with someone who treats you this way? Does that make sense?

This is about control over your life, self-worth, stability, security etc, it's not about love. The cruel irony is that getting W back will not restore these feelings as you'll obsess over the betrayal and fear she'll do it again.

Re-establishing control over your life and rebuilding your value and self-worth can be done outside of your relationship with W and really they must be. Getting that "mojo" back on your own is what makes it possible to reconcile because you're no longer one-down in the relationship. You need to be in it because you want to be, not because you feel you need to be, and there's a big difference,

Someone here once said that the only difference between a WAS and an LBS is timing as you were BOTH unhappy, not just her. Because it wasn't working for either of you both of you would need to contribute differently to make it better and W would need motivation to do that

Acc

[Holding]

*Umm, Morpheus? I thought I picked the blue pill.*

Thanks, Acc. This has given me a lot to think about.

I'm finally finding my stability and self-worth outside of the MR. I'm really doing it for me at this point, as I feel reconciliation is practically impossible now. W wants to move this through so fast. I found out that W's L filed for D on Monday.

MIL and FIL are in town for SIL's baby, and they're having a big get together at SIL's house tonight. I've been invited. I think I should go, as this may be the last time we're all together before it really hits the fan. But I think they all know. So I'm almost thinking this might be a bad situation to go into. After we get back home tonight, the plan is to tell the kids about D. Any advice?