Hi...newcomer here...I'm not sure this is the right place to post..so if not, please correct me!
..I discovered over the last 3-4 years, my W has been a WW and had 3 A's with 3 different married OM's...I eventually figured it out, compiled my own evidence...confronted her several times and she simply lied to my face...all the while using all the chat apps with encryption...my instincts were ALWAYS right in retrospect...it's amazing how that is...
recently, the day I basically caught her, it was like she finally gave up and admitted it (it was a relief to hear it from her own mouth but not any less painful given the thousands of lies preceding)...so, I told her to end it as a mandatory step... and she didn't agree to that...I went through complete hell for about three days...that's when I discovered this website..I applied a few of the concepts...an important one was moving her bedding out of the MBR....within less than 24 hours, she claims she has ended the current A with OM....this seems like a positive step..but I need to make sure she's sorry for the A's and not sorry she was caught
I have withdrawn all kinds of clingy actions on my part, begging, etc....no hugging, cuddling...etc....some recommended DB'ing techniques...
now that she claims to have ended the A, do I alter my behavior to seek MC with her?? her recent A was with a co-worker who she eats lunch with daily or frequently...do I demand this discontinue?
I just got the DR book ..I understand the importance of GAL, and realize I need to work on myself FOR myself...
I love W and I believe she loves me...what's the next step?
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
thank you for this wonderful resource....I'm doing my best to follow Sandi's rules...one day I'm saying "I can do this" and withdrawing myself...the next day the pain is unbearable as I think about what my WW did...
thank you for this wonderful resource....I'm doing my best to follow Sandi's rules...one day I'm saying "I can do this" and withdrawing myself...the next day the pain is unbearable as I think about what my WW did...
1) Sandi's "rules" are merely guidelines and NOT ALL APPLY...
2) IF your w says she wants to reconcile, (which I'm not clear about), she will need to do some heavy lifting, and you will need to figure out how to go forward from here.
3) Reconciling is hard, but "piecing" together after an affair is even harder.
On one hand, you won't be able to hold it over her head forever, or throw it in her face everytime you two fight.
On the other hand, the long term deceit is something you will have to get past
AND SHE WILL NEED TO EXPLORE b/c make no mistake, this is a character flaw in her and if she does not get IC to figure this out, and change it, this is not a hopeful situation.
You'll also need IC to learn how to get past this and how to cope with the damage you feel that you cannot share with your w (not that you "should not" but b/c I imagine some of it is too personal and you might be inhibited from sharing it all or baring your soul, for awhile...)
and you can then or simultaneously get marriage counseling.
My big regret after reconciling for a decade, is that we did not piece well (my MIL got cancer right after we recon so we shelved the piecing for awhile and never got back to it - idiotic mistake on my end but I thought we were past the MLC. Thought we were alright, etc. I never insisted on H getting IC b/c I thought he'd learned his lesson.
Now I can see that he did not see it as a character flaw in himself but an emotional/financial blunder that cost HIM good r's with our kids and "some collateral damage" to them and me (meaning, it was not so much that HE had inflicted pain on us, but that we did not see him in the same admiring light).
Whatever boundaries you set up, you darn well better enforce. Issue NO ultimatums you are not willing to enforce.
Check out BluWave's thread b/c in hers, her h is willing to do the hard consistent long term work of repairing a marriage after infidelity.
And it's still really hard for her. I am not saying you are blameless in your marriage but this was not a fling of your w ("a one time mistake")
or something she did after prolonged temptation away from home and unmet needs inside the marriage; this was a pattern of hers. A series of choices...so
When a cheating spouse is vague about their past and only confesses after getting caught, it's a red flag.
Be clear on what she is saying and doing. She needs to be transparent.
Remember that whatever your flaws, she is not the hero and you're not the villain.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Hi...newcomer here...I'm not sure this is the right place to post..so if not, please correct me!
..I discovered over the last 3-4 years, my W has been a WW and had 3 A's with 3 different married OM's...I eventually figured it out, compiled my own evidence...confronted her several times and she simply lied to my face...all the while using all the chat apps with encryption...my instincts were ALWAYS right in retrospect...it's amazing how that is... recently, the day I basically caught her, it was like she finally gave up and admitted it (it was a relief to hear it from her own mouth but not any less painful given the thousands of lies preceding)...so, I told her to end it as a mandatory step... and she didn't agree to that.. RED FLAG^^^ (in addition to the whole - you know - affair X 3) She has a lot of nerve to refuse to end an affair.
What on earth did she use as an excuse for that?? I am speechless that she'd deny the need to end it. Did she want an open marriage or what?
What did she expect you'd do??
.I went through complete hell for about three days...that's when I discovered this website..I applied a few of the concepts...an important one was moving her bedding out of the MBR....within less than 24 hours, she claims she has ended the current A with OM. with what proof of ending it? A no contact letter or call in front of you??
...this seems like a positive step..but I need to make sure she's sorry for the A's and not sorry she was caught you cannot "make sure she's sorry for X and not just Y". It's not possible to know if it does not show FROM Her...
I have withdrawn all kinds of clingy actions on my part, begging, etc....no hugging, cuddling...etc....some recommended DB'ing techniques...
now that she claims to have ended the A, do I alter my behavior to seek MC with her??
SHE seeks counseling, SHE makes the appointments whether it's MC or her own and or yours, etc. YOU do not make the appointments. You do not drag her to "marriage improvement classes"...
You tell her to pack her things and prepare for a divorce
UNLESS you see follow up action FROM HER...does she understand that she inflicted pain on you??
her recent A was with a co-worker who she eats lunch with daily or frequently...do I demand this discontinue?
yes. No brainer. Bad enough she works there with him (which I'd have her end asap as professionally possible (within a month or so at most)
NO LUNCHES that's just crazy. Sorry but that is a blatant boundary. No question.
I just got the DR book ..I understand the importance of GAL, and realize I need to work on myself FOR myself...
I love W and I believe she loves me...what's the next step?
See above. ^^'
And while I support DB philosophy, you must know that without a lot of remorse and transparent follow through effort on HER End,
You have to prepare for the worst.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
-Her excuse for not ending it was seemingly an attempt to seek an OM.....I said "we never agreed to have other partners" and she said "we never disagreed"...this is the most unbelievable garbage I've ever heard...
-the only proof of ending the A is a little stick-it note saying "I ended it with OM"
-I believe she understands she has inflicted pain on me, but I'm not sure if she's simply sorry that I feel pain and not sorry for her actions
-when I told her to discontinue all contact with the OM, she claimed it's not possible since they need to work together and report to the same manager...do I ask her to change jobs?...
-I find it very hard to even talk to her at this point...I'm trying to be detached...how frequently should I be conversing with her about steps to take? I'm trying not to show my pain with her and appear to be "contented" after my first few days of self-destruction...should I hound her or bring it up once a week...??!
-now, I DO accept my contribution to our relationship problems and intimacy problems...absolutely...why would a person who loves you choose this course of action over working on it together...this baffles me....my W is a supposed logical thinking manager...this is complete contradiction with her actions...
I want to add...that our SL has been horrendous and close to zero for like 5 years (this is key info)...the worst...I feel that poor communication led us each to shut ourselves down and withdraw, eventually building into mega resentment...yet, unbelievably through it all there was no loss of interest in touching like cuddling, holding hands, etc, continuing to enjoy our lives ...I've attempted to initiate working on our issues many times and been shot down...W has held long-term resentments and kept a score-card of ways that I have wronged her, always to bring those things up against me as if they are crimes I've committed....
I never truly suspected her A's until maybe one year ago...then I began to gather evidence...
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I'm not clear on whether your W has offered to work on the M or not? Seems a little insincere that she just left you a sticky about ending the A. Not sure she's exactly all-in like she needs to be if y'all want to turn this around. What has she told you about her view of where the M stands?
Quote:
I want to add...that our SL has been horrendous and close to zero for like 5 years (this is key info)...the worst...I feel that poor communication led us each to shut ourselves down and withdraw, eventually building into mega resentment...
I can only imagine. I used to get testy with W if I went without for a week, LOL! Clearly there's a big problem there. If your W is having affairs then she does have sexual needs that aren't getting fulfilled, and it sounds like you do too. I wouldn't be surprised if that was a huge factor in why you're here. There is an SSM forum here, it's not very active but it might help you to read through the few threads that are there:
