Man....just for the record my W is so cold towards me and she thinks her crap doesn't stink and acts sooo much better than me. It just pours out of her body when I see her and when she texts me.....I guess that is the OM talking. Maybe it is easier for me to detach etc. vs getting the mixed signals that might keep me hanging on. It's kind of to the point to where it would take a lot for me to forgive her. I want to snoop so bad for proof but I keep telling myself don't do it!
Been following your sitch and thanks for offering some early advice on mine.
Just wanted to ask you - you and W are physically separated right now correct? If so, did you start DBing while you were living together or did you start afterwards? Asking cuz I have a couple of other related questions.
Leaving work in 1 hr to pick up my kids from W....I hate the exchange. I will just throw my shoulders back, stick out the chest and knock on the door like an Alpha! I love having my D's but those nights are also the hardest on me since I don't know what my W is up to. I have to get those thoughts out of my mind.
and you have your wonderful Ds to help you focus on them.
If they see daddy happy and excited (and maybe doing a new hobby or two) they will let mommy know. Don't use them or manipulate them of course.
If she acts like her crap don't smell you definitely need to drop the rope. Detach, GAL, show your Ds a good time, be there for them. Do fun things for you. Forget what your W is doing. She is clearly wasting her time. That's the mindset you should have. Especially if she is cold towards you.
Thanks Tobias......I feel much better but still struggle with things from time to time. I have definitely dropped the rope, I don't ask anything it is strictly kids and finances when needed. I need the most help with detaching and not letting her texts, actions control me.
Wondering what the WW is up to is always difficult. Even when you think you have gotten past the point of worrying. Every now and them the thought pops in your head. Just try focusing on your D's when you with them. Let them keep your mind occupied, because I'm sure they are going to want every bit of your attention.
I started the 37 rules and DBing just recently but we are now in the middle of the separation. It definitely got to her but because we are in the midst of selling the house and her emotional reaction to my DBing, it became difficult for me to separate what I should be doing to assist with the logistics of separation and keeping myself scarce and not initiating things. However, she has gotten a new place and has sort of moved out and is staying there and I am in the family home. So, DBing will become easier now and I can focus on GAL and other things.
I was just curious if you had done DBing while you were under the same roof and how it went. My W isn't a WW (I don't have any evidence of an A, but part of me suspects it - I wonder if it's just paranoia or there's actually something; there is no indication of an EA or PA), but a WAS so I am trying to see how to navigate that with DBing and 37 rules.
Anyways, don't want to hijack your thread, but thanks for the response about your DBing.
Hey.....no worries!! I did not start while she was in the house. She told me Memorial Day weekend that she wanted a D and for the first 3 weeks I did all the wrong things. She wanted a D then she didn't, a week later she wanted a D, then she didn't. Then a week later we have to talk I have been looking at apartments. When she called me and said she had been looking at apartments her plan was to move in Aug 31. I told her that was not going to work for me that I could not go on all summer walking around on pins and needles. She then called me back and said there was 1 available in 4 days. I asked her if that was what she wanted to do and she said yes.
It would have been extremely hard to DB with her in the house. I thought her frustration and resentment would continue to grow and grow. So we sat down, told our kids but unfortunately I made it too easy for her at that time. Live and learn, I helped her move out, I didn't make her take ownership of leaving we told our kids it was mutual. I did not stumble across this site until this had already happened.
I am in the same boat with suspecting my wife is doing something but I don't have 100% proof. There is enough smoke though to indicate something. I felt like I DTR as soon as she moved out as I have never asked her about where she has been, doing etc. The hardest part for me has been detaching, not reading into her text messages and wondering what she is doing when I have our girls. Is she home, out with OM or with friends?? Last night was the first night I felt relatively normal with our girls since this went down.
I did hire a DB coach, bought 3 sessions. She thinks my W is in a MLC brought on by unaddressed issues in her childhood. She told me I am doing all the right things but also gave advice to treat her like a good friend. That advice is much different than what everyone else has been saying. Everything else that the coach told me is right on point with what everyone has suggested.
My W is still very cold and has her ego pumped up like she Giselle. She does not reach out to me either outside of asking when I will be picking up the girls (or related to them clothes, etc.), something related to finances (she just opened up her own checking account) and every once in a while she will send me a pic of what they are doing.
Finally I will say that when my W told me she wanted a D she offered nothing in regards to what I could differently. She told me it was just something that she felt but cold not put her finger on it. She told me I am the best sex she has ever had and she knows that I would love her for the rest of my life, 98 reasons why she should be with me but something is missing. I do believe she struggled with the decision but she also told me that she feels very selfish at this point in her life and she wants what she wants and essentially nothing is going to stand in her way.
I know this was long but I hope it helps. The tragic thing in all of this is that I know with communication or marriage could be saved and our D's would have their family back again.
