Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 10

[skyhigh]

Great job at telling him that you were done, and when it's the truth, they can feel it, it's not something you can fake. You became the distancer. When my husband understood I was really done (there was something about my attitude), he started to change because he wanted to not because I was asking. Changes have to come from them, it's a very long and slow process. Results show in months not in weeks, so patience.

Being done doesn't mean you don't love him anymore but simply you don't want to put up with that situation as it is unless there is a fundamental change.

It takes time for limerence to go away fully (you will know when it's fully over something will change in his attitude, he will be more open), meanwhile become his best friend, his companion, men crave companionship, I noticed that my husband' divorced friends (they were the cheaters and wanted their freedom), from being "happy" to be single and dating are now craving a caring loving companionship... they are complaining how lonely they are... really! My H is now giving them relationship advice as" find a nice caring woman of your own age and marry her". I laughed so much when he told me that..

Companionship is not being clingy but being available when they need to talk, watching TV, and giving them positive feedback. I decided to said yes to every activities he proposed (even if some were not really my taste and where taking time away from my GAL activities),and stayed very positive, the change was quite amazing, he became attentive and caring to me, he lowered the wall he had in him.

It's normal not trusting him with your heart, it's way too early to trust again, so stop obsessing about that, the same about forgiveness. Live in the present!

(((Hugs)))

[PsySara]

Hello friends! I've been peeking in and reading everyone's posts but have been so busy I haven't had time to respond. I'll cut to the chase and give updates.

Since I made it clear with WH I was done and probably going to talk to a lawyer (and meant it!) he has done some serious changes. HE texted me the next day, "Thank you for giving me a chance, I know it's been hard and I am trying to change. You are worth fighting for." Since then he has been very engaged with the kids and me. He also has been pitching in a LOT more around the house. One of the hardest jobs is taking care of the pets in the morning at 6 am. WH loves his sleep and I am often up for hours before he gets out of bed. Well yesterday I awoke to the puppies being fed, the guinea pigs fed and the cats fed. We are still potty training our puppies and WH had already cleaned their area and sanitized it. My jaw fell open because this was at 6 am on a Saturday.

Earlier this week WH asked me to meet him at a fireworks tent and he bought a ton of fireworks for the 4th, he contacted the neighbors and we spent the latter part of the evening shooting them off. We also enjoyed a bar-b-que with friends where WH cooked everything. I find myself more relaxed around him. The triggers are not as intense and often. When they happen he has become more attentive and asking if I need anything. We started watching a new show, America gods, and the very first episode involves infidelity. I was blunt with WH telling him that the show was intriguing but it was really hard for me to watch that particular part. He immediately asked if I wanted to turn it off. I assured him I could watch it but I may need some breaks now and then. It looks like WH has started to understand empathy and how to show it.

I am still holding WH at arm's length. I still feel he needs a lot more progress before I feel comfortable being around my vulnerable side. But we've taken a turn and it appears to be one for the better.

[PsySara]

So there have been some significant changes in WH's behavior. He continues to be attentive and asks me daily how I am doing. Our physical contact is more often and WH seeks to touch me. Of course I still struggle with triggers and ruminating thoughts but the frequency is less as well as the intensity of emotion.

We have been scheduling more time together and we communicate more throughout the day through text. He gets up with the baby at night and has told me he wants us to start going to the gym together. I am still VERY pulled back and cautious. He has burnt me more times than I can count so I am carefully observing his actions and watching for consistency. It's taken almost 2 years but I think I am starting to see the birth of a relationship that may work. We still have a LOT of work to do but I think there is hope.

[SJW]

Dear Sara

Thank you so much for your posts. I haven't read the whole story only a few pages of this thread but it is very enlightening for me and I fully intend to go right back and read your whole story. You're perseverance and honesty is admirable. I am just short of a month into this journey with other significant issues going on in my life that have nothing to do with my H, his A & MLC but your post has totally inspired me, not necessarily for my M but for myself and I really needed that tonight.

Thank you again
SJ x

[PsySara]

SJW,
I am glad that my posts have been able to help someone. If nothing, I hope my stumbles and mistakes will help someone not make the same ones.

So WH and I continue the on-again-off-again dance. Last week we fought because I told him I didn't feel prioritized. He continues to act selfishly and often times I am saddled with all the household and child care. This of course spiraled into an argument where he stopped talking to me for a few days which is his main defense mechanism, stonewalling. Somehow the affair came up and he told me he still blames me for him cheating because I was "different" before the affair.

Since then we've "made up" but this really sits in my chest. Almost two years out and he still does not look inward and have some honesty and accountability about his cheating. We had problem before he cheated and I had requested MC as I saw we were continually dealing with the same problems but he refused. I continually have to face the fact that WH hasn't really done anything to be trustworthy to me, he still has poor boundaries, he refuses to go to IC or even read a book. He still has snapchat on his phone (known cheaters tool) and says he'll delete it when he's "ready." I have come to a cross roads, do I stay or become the WAW? Daily I am with a man who has hurt in the most devastating way possible but has done very little of what I've asked to help heal. When the rubber meets the road he still has wayward thinking, blames shifts and shows no internal change from the cheater. So what do I do? I am happy with my life but not happy or even near satisfied in this marriage. I feel like he is complacent and hasn't done anything to "win" me back. Part of me just wants to move on and be open to a new person in my life. I can't exactly be receptive to a new relationship while married though. Forgive me while I flounder, I just didn't think my married life would be like this. I feel like I've been in crises mode for so long that I am unsure what peace looks like anymore.

[OwnIt]

Sara,

I'm sorry you are struggling. It ngs were turning around for you. Do you think the entitlement issues are perhaps a little worse with physicians? Mine has become a complete blow hard in the last few years and feels entitled to anything he wants. I know that you are also a physician and clearly not all are affected, but I'm wondering if the profession either breeds these behaviors or attracts them.

[ForGump]

Wishing you well

[Stormchaser]

Somehow the affair came up and he told me he still blames me for him cheating because I was "different" before the affair.

I got the same thing last night. My wife talked about being "abandoned" during our marriage. I snapped back, I NEVER abandoned you. She said, "I meant abandoned emotionally". They love justifying it by blaming you.

Since then we've "made up" but this really sits in my chest. Almost two years out and he still does not look inward and have some honesty and accountability about his cheating. We had problem before he cheated and I had requested MC as I saw we were continually dealing with the same problems but he refused. I continually have to face the fact that WH hasn't really done anything to be trustworthy to me, he still has poor boundaries, he refuses to go to IC or even read a book. He still has snapchat on his phone (known cheaters tool) and says he'll delete it when he's "ready." I have come to a cross roads, do I stay or become the WAW? Daily I am with a man who has hurt in the most devastating way possible but has done very little of what I've asked to help heal. When the rubber meets the road he still has wayward thinking, blames shifts and shows no internal change from the cheater.

My W had snapchat and whatsapp on her old phone. I noticed snapchat on her new phone, but she wound up deleting it without me asking. I think she knew that was trouble.

I feel for you, Sara. My W is miles ahead of your H when it comes to repairing things, but I still think she could do more. She stopped IC because she couldn't afford it. Yet, we have health insurance that covers different therapists - I switched therapists and was ok - but she refuses to change doctors. Says her current one validates her. (I personally don't think her IC got the whole story).

ANY issues brought up about her affair are met with her crying, upset that I brought it back, accusing me of living in the past, etc. My W worked with OM a full year after I discovered her A, and my poor excuse for a MC and my own IC said this was ok behavior. Only after seeing my new IC did he condemn this practice and help me force a change. When OM got promoted and he would be W's boss, that was it for me. Luckily, she resigned immediately that day. Yet, I recently found out that she visited there (months after she quit) and she completely justified it by saying OM wasn't there, she missed her old work colleagues, etc. And blame shifted me for snooping thru her phone. No ownership of poor boundaries, no admittance of anything wrong. Just angry at ME for snooping.

Frustrating. She constantly complains about validation, but where is mine? Wouldn't we LOVE to hear, "hey, I screwed up, NONE of it was your fault, I own this 100% and I'm so sorry I screwed up your life?"

[Ginger1]

The problem is, they do truly believe that some of it is not their fault. To get them to feel true remorse when they really don't feel it, is an almost impossible task.

I know personally form real life, those who have had affairs may have regretted hurting their spouse, but don't feel complete remorse for the affair itself. They would reconcile, but a fraction of a percentage would say "I am so sorry, I feel so awful, this was all my fault." They truly think that what they did when they did it was perhaps not justified, but not a lone action.

So I think it really comes down to what level of remorse are you willing to take. A "I really value our marriage and I won't do it again" while following through on transparency, or does it have to be someone validating what a F-up they are and how horrible and sorry they are for what they did?

because I am afraid if it is the latter, reconciliation isn't going to work.

[PsySara]

OwnIt,
I'm going to generalize here but in my experience (anecdotal at best) it looks as if the male doctors are more prone to the narcissistic nature. The affairs I've read about are primarily the male doctor cheating with a female nurse. There was one case where the wife was a doctor and the husband was a SAHD and she cheated with a patient. But in the grand scheme I would say quite a few doctors are initially attracted to the field because of the built in adulation.

Thank you ForGump.

Stormchaser,
Thank you so much for your insight and experience, it helps me to realize I am not alone in this...kinda piecing? I have to remind myself that my WH spent decades practicing bad boundaries and avoidance so it's not like it's going to turn on it's head and change overnight. But sometimes I have to keep from putting a pillow on his head in his sleep, lol. My DB coach told me something once that has really stuck in my head. He said that anger is an unauthentic emotions, that it covers another scarier emotion like anger or fear. So when you WW reacted to your "snooping" by becoming angry it was likely a cover to deep fear that she was going to be "abandoned." My WH often feels my boundaries are me being "controlling" when I am telling him he us free to do as he pleases but I will not remain in this marriage if he crosses my boundaries. This isn't controlling as I am not trying to prevent his behavior but rather protecting myself from further injury.


Ginger,
Once I read a comparison between a Harry Potter character and a wayward spouse. Apparently there is a character in HP that has managed to store his soul in separate compartments so as to not feel the immense damage and pain he has caused others. If he reunites these parts of himself then he will fully feel the devastation he has wrought over the years. A cheater is like this, the courage to face the devastation they've caused the person they were supposed to shelter and protect is immense. Some simply can't pull their soul back together and face it, the pain would be crippling. So they continue to compartmentalize and express anger instead of turning inward and really examining their flaws.

So about two weeks ago WH and I had a huge blowup where I basically said I was sick of the state of our marriage. I told him I was DONE, that I was tired of feeling like the one who nuked our marriage and I had to "make up" for the shortcomings. I told him if he felt I was to blame for his cheating then he needed to leave. Initially WH was angry and hard, I told him again I was so done. I never pictured my life being this way and my marriage being this sh*tty. I wanted to be free of it, as I had put in an enormous amount of effort and felt nothing from him.

He was quiet for a moment then started talking very slowly and gently. He said he obviously hurt me very deeply and he didn't realize how seriously I was injured. He told me he knows I have changed hugely and how he feels I am his most precious part of his life. He apologized and said he would start working hard for this marriage. He requested that any time I am hurt or angry to bring it up immediately. We talked about 2 hours and later held each other. I cried a little and so did he.

Since then he has been attentive and constantly telling me how much I mean to him. I am still irritated and angry inside. I remind myself that I am likely covering the trauma and pain with anger because that is a safe emotion. I am not even sure what I want to get from him. He does ask me every day if there is something he can do for me. For now I simply tell him nothing as he doesn't own a time machine to go back and change everything. And that is a huge problem. I can never undo the immense amount of betrayal and deception he did. I can never get back the innocence of believing we were soul mates and we were made only for each other. There is a verse in the Quran that states "He created us in pairs" and I wanted that engraved in our wedding rings. It felt special as if we were made specifically for each other. I don't think I will ever be able to feel that way again, and that...breaks my heart. So I am kind of stuck right now, I appear to have a WH who is working toward remorse but now I am questioning if I can move forward from this or remain stuck.