Thank you all for the great responses. I decided to take the weekend to think about things and to make some decisions about how and what I want to do.
H and I spent time over the weekend together. He helped me out with some things around my place. He was always one who wanted to "fix" things cause he said it made him feel wanted and needed. So, I let him do some things for me. I thanked him and said I appreciated him taking his time to do that for me.
We had a few conversations regarding the last conversation he and I had, and I told him that I just don't trust him. He said he understood, and that in order for me to start to trust him he has to show me what I need. He was never one who was really good with follow through, unless of course it was something that he would benefit from, so I will wait and see. I did let him know that I don't exactly know if and when I will trust him again because of how badly I was hurt, but if I am going to continue to allow him in my life I think it is only fair that I give him that opportunity.
I have realized that I am doing and saying things to punish him, because in all honesty, I still want him to hurt as bad, if not worse, then I did or still do. I know I could say things differently, or not say them at all, but I am making a conscious decision to say things because I know it will hurt him. I really need to figure out why I still feel the need to hurt him, and how I can stop, because there may come a day when he has had enough.
He continues to work on himself, which is a huge thing for him. I have stopped going to my IC because I was always so upset when I left after my session, and I felt like I wasn't really making much progress. I found that coming to the boards has continued to help me. I do think that if H and I are going to continue on this road we might need to start seeing a MC. His IC also does MC, and is familiar with our sitch because he was part of our retreat we attended last year.
A concern I do have is that I have heard from H what I describe as .... a lot of talk and no action. Meaning he says he wants to do something, or be better at doing certain things, but in my mind I feel he isn't.
-He says he wants to express his feelings more -He wants to be better with his follow through -He wants to show me more affection -He wants to get his finances in order
Something I am having a difficult time with is that H says he wants to trust me again. The reason for that is how I reacted when I found out about the A ...... I yelled and screamed at him A LOT, and showed so much anger. He also had some bad "karma" happen to him after BD, and he got himself into financial trouble.....he blames that on me too, and that is where his trust issues come from.
The one constant this weekend was that H said he knows in his heart that he wants to work this out between the two of us. I want to believe him, but I am still very cautious about all of this.
Ownit......H has said that he knows it will take some time for me to trust him again, but he did say that he wonders why I cant move forward. A statement like that makes me wonder if he thinks I should be over all this? I am taking all of this very slowly. This is something I definitely can not rush into. I just wish he would show me more remorse. I also really want him to be more transparent. He still is secretive with certain things.....especially his phone. He also has doesn't ask me to come into his house after I drop him off after we have been out. I do wonder if there is something he doesn't want me to see. I asked him to share text messages, or show me emails and he said by him doing that it makes him feel that I don't trust him.......I DON'T!!!!! I just wonder if I should ever give up on trying to see any of those? I know he is hiding text messages from a female client of his because he knows she is an issue for me.
Blu......I know that I do need to figure out why I continue to get my jabs in with H. I feel like part of it is to punish him, but I also feel like he hasn't ever really allowed me to express my feelings during all of this, so I am getting it all out. I do wonder if you are right when you say that I am doing this to see if he will keep pursuing me? I need to continue to focus on me and my life, and if he continues to come along for the ride then that is an extra bonus
SBJ......I so wish I had the amount of faith that you have. It might make all of this a tad bit easier. I have always said that H is someone who has really tried my patience.........I guess he is still doing that to this day. I just need to decide if I have the patience in me to continue with all of this.
Caliguy......I look forward to your comments. You have a way of making me look at things differently. I know that his A had way more details involved in it then I will ever want to know. It isn't going to change the fact that it happened, so I need to learn to let those things go if I am going to move forward with all of this............it just svcks knowing certain things, because some of those things you will never be able to get them out of your head.....the visuals are just too strong.
Peacetoday.......I agree that it is more important to trust ourselves, so then we can trust our choices. I trust myself implicitly, its H that I don't trust. I often wonder if I ever will again. I trusted him before and look what he did
I need to keep the focus on me and keep GAL, 180, drop the rope and continue to move forward. I really hope I can because sometimes I feel like interactions with H set me back
I love what you posted. You are being honest and raw, and you are really thinking about why you are doing what you are doing. Sounds like you are right on track. You don't have to decide anything today or tomorrow. Just keep moving forward and the chips will fall into place. If your gut tells you not to trust him, then don't. You have learned in this last year to trust yourself always and first. Until he shows you a man that is loyally and open, then you can safely and cautiously keep as you are. No harm in that. This process is good for him too. He will learn how to treat you and what he needs to do to be in any long term R. He has got to dig a little deeper and give more of himself. I hope for his own sake he can do that!
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Just bumping this up /\/\/\ so people can see Caliguy's most recent comment. He only pops in now & again, but he is usually a few steps ahead of the rest of the LBS pack. This lets us know what may come later on down the road for us...GALing, detaching, or tripping on ourselves again.
M: 49, W: 45 T: 22 M: 15 S14, S11, S9 BD: Jan '16 W files: Oct '16 D final: June '18
skm...I ask God every hour of every day to help me. I have found that He has helped me with my anger, confusion, and definitely my patience. I hope and pray that He will help guide you as well.
If he really wants the marriage, he will have to figure it out for himself how to save it.
If you really want the marriage, you will have to be able to trust him again without wanting to hurt him. I know this is possible, but it takes something that is hard for us to do after we have been hurt so much...forgiveness.
Personally, I think that total transparency is the key to trust. Isn't that a boundary that most of us LBS's want in our marriages.
You seem like such an awesome woman that is full of love and life. I know the hurt, because I have been there too, but I also know that God is good and will make good come from this trial for all of us. Stay strong and take things one day at a time.
>>>>>>> But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth.
Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. -Colossians 3:8, 12-13
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Reading along .... and yup I have a couple thoughts about things that jumped out to me.
He wants to trust you again? .... yeah .. go ahead and read that again. He had the A, you reacted. To me I see this as a mixture of projection and reading throughout what you have shared he is doing a bit of blame shifting. Mine did similar till I realized what was happening and a good ole truth dart will typically stop that one in its tracks. Its true you can not control others and only control your reaction ... but given the emotions involved in finding out your H/W had an A ... there will be emotions, we would be more concerned if there was not reaction. I know after I found out and started processing it I called her a Who-re, something I would NEVER do nor say and I will never forget it, at the time I meant it, was the only time in all this I actually seen her stop and realize what was going on. Now .. sure I wish I hadn't said it but I forgave myself and realized it was my breaking point.
DO NOT beat yourself up over the past (you can not undo it) ... I have mentioned this before .. not yours .. not his .. keep your eyes forward.
The other thing I wanted to say, you mentioned MC. First you must make certain there is not a 3rd party involved any longer. My MC told me MC will not work with 3 people. Secondly ... get someone else .. DO NOT use his IC, you need someone not biased one way or the other .... he needs his IC and to be able to trust that person and a good MC will push you both in a non-biased way.
Caliguy, I think you are spot on. I find it perplexing how many times I have read here that ICs go back and forth between MC and even that they are willing to speak with one party alone (once MC has started). The MC we had was great because she only did MC, she would not speak to either of us without the other one present, and she never took sides. She was honest with us and fair, but she also pressed us to see our part in things. I read on another thread yesterday that a counselor emailed a poster and told him his M was over. That just boggles my mind and seems downright unethical in practice!
Either way, if you are thinking about MC skm, perhaps wait until you both agree you are all in and committed to giving it your best shots. It is a grueling and at times painful process and I would hate to see you go in prematurely only to give up. There is always more time to visit this later, when you are sure you want this M to work.
In terms of him not trusting you, well I agree that is classic projection! You were reacting to his betrayal. When my H dropped the bomb on me I did and said all kinds of crazy. And it continued for awhile! I am not proud of it, but I certainly don't beat myself up over it. Not that my H is any kind of saint, but he has never held it against me because he acknowledges it was all a reaction to what he was doing. I hope your H can get to that point too. I tend to think it is okay to apologize for mistakes we made without having to shift blame--meaning that while you are sorry for what you did/said, you still accept that it was a reaction to what he was doing/saying that otherwise would not have occurred. But ultimately, it doesn't matter who is at fault, it matters that we care that we hurt someone and that we are sorry. To be in a M, we have to care that we hurt the other person, even if they hurt us too (or worse).
And Caliguy, if you only called your W a who-re once, well then I think you demonstrated some amazing restraint! lol.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Last night H and I went to dinner. It was a nice evening and we had good conversation. As far as talking goes, I have stepped back and started to let H initiate things. For me, it feels like I am the one who asks all the questions, and that makes me feel that H isn't really interested in me or what is going on in my life. There have definitely been more "moments of silence" since I have started doing that.
We went back to his house because I needed to get my vehicle. He actually asked me to come inside this time, and to sit down......I was very shocked. He was falling asleep on the couch, followed by more moments of silence, so I decided to go home. He walks me out, says be careful going home and then gives me a kiss. I just feel that all of those moments are forced and are not coming naturally for him. It's as if he feels that he HAS to do it, not because he WANTS to do it
The last two times I have left his house, I pull out of his driveway and think ...... "I can not do this anymore." I just don't feel like he gets it. I don't think he understands how I need him to try harder, and to show me that he really wants to work on this. If I am going to put myself back out there with him, and to put my heart back out there, I feel that he needs to "dig deeper" and show me that he wants to do this with me. I just don't feel that he is committed to this. And not to mention, the lack of transparency from him is still a huge issue for me.
He called earlier today, I did not take his call because I didn't want to talk to him. As I was writing this he called again. He was asking if he could come over and bring the dogs. I was pretty short with my answers. He could tell something was wrong and he asked me if I was mad about something.
I told him that I was upset about how he continues to treat me, and that I just don't feel that he understands what I need him to do.
-I need him to be transparent with me -I need him to really understand the level of commitment this is going to take -I need him to stop making all of the things he wants to do a priority -I need him to stop trying to control the situations we are in because he is afraid of how he will feel
He responded by saying, "that makes me sad." I told him I don't really believe that because if that was true then you would be doing everything that you needed to do to let me know you really want to do this with me. I then told him that I thought the two of us should not spend anymore time together because I don't think he understands what it is I need him to do.
He asked if he could come over and bring me dinner. I guess I will see if he shows up
Ownit, I have my days were I feel like there still is a lot of hope in this situation with H, but there are just as many days that I think I would be happier on my own.
As far as "not being willing to take crumbs from him".....I did that for the 10 years we were together. H definitely knows that I am not ever going to do that again. He knows I will call him out on his BS without any hesitation.
As I have said before he is struggling pretty bad financially since BD. I, on the other hand, am doing better financially. Likely because I don't have H around to spend all of my money Throughout our M, I have been the bread winner, and make quite a bit more then H. He knows that I don't NEED him in my life in any way, I WANT him in my life. So he knows that the days of "blowing smoke up my ass" are long gone
I've worked the past 3 days and this morning when I pulled into the parking lot, guess who was there waiting for me with a little morning snack? Yep...it was H. I was surprised to see him there. I thought it was very nice that he went out of his way to do that. He then offered to take my car and have it detailed......so I let him. Probably should not have let him do that, because that is why he is struggling financially, he spends money on things we/I can do without. Lord knows how much that car wash cost him?
Throughout our M, I have been the bread winner, and make quite a bit more then H. He knows that I don't NEED him in my life in any way, I WANT him in my life. So he knows that the days of "blowing smoke up my ass" are long gone 