Could be worse... OM could be a convicted felon...
Idunno, at least with "convicted felon" you could maybe say there's like some perverse excitement factor going on. (Although, in my own case, OM's "spontenaeity" and "adventuresomeness"-- both of which are really easy to display when you basically have NO JOB-- were also draws for my W, apparently. He thought nothing of blowing money he didn't have to go buy a used Harley to impress her-- my wife loves motorcycles-- and takes off midday most days to go drinking at his favorite bars. Grrrrr.... Sorry, I really am mostly over the anger at the dude, though it still might go badly for him if we actually met up.)
Dangit, why did I have to put up surveillance and snoop again? So, come to find out, she downloaded the "Viber" app onto her phone while at the beach with bff, which is a VOIP and also "secret chat" app. Then, I find out from OMs facebook page that he was not only out of town this past week but AT THE BEACH-- I don't know which beach because the two pics he posted don't say, but there are only really two within easy driving distance of here and my W was at one of them. Finally, at some point during their first night there, my W was "separated" from bff as there are two calls and a text between them. Maybe nothing, maybe just a long trip to the bathroom but... Dangit. Now i have to wonder. She's also been real careful to not talk to bff in the car past couple of days because she apparently suspects or know I had a recorder in the car at one point. There have been a couple of calls to/from bff's phone and both have occurred while she is out of car and not being recorded. (FWIW i put the recorder back in yesterday after a couple of week hiatus just for a check up because I was a bit suspicious of what might have transpired at beach weekend with bff, even though i was inclined to trusst her based on words and behavior. Still, it's possible she had a meet up with Om at beach that first night, second night she and bff stayed in and then next morning she had her long soul searching she was telling me aboout where "the cheating spouse" was not something she wanted to be.) Idunno. Wish I did. We'll prolly be talking some more over next couple of days as she has been reading the "Torn asunder" workbook MC recommended to us. Part of that program is a formal "no contact whatsoever" contract (an agreement she and I technically already have) but also some sort of arrangement for phone transparency. My inclination is to work into the conversation that she still hasn't done anything to really open herself completely up in terms of transparency... how about she start by sharing her phone. I might even insist.
Last edited by Cadet; 07/12/1707:08 PM. Reason: Combine posts
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
I disagree, she knows your boundary, no reason to harp on it.
Restating a boundary over and over without enforcing it does not present a strong, respectable person.. In fact it does the opposite and lets the WW know they can ignore the boundaries and nothing will change.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
She doesn't want to give you full transparency, she hasn't recommitted to making anything work, why the heck do you think she is going to hand over her phone to you?
She will keep crossing that imaginary boundary, why not? Nothing changes.
I actually never insisted on any specific sort of transparency, phone or otherwise. I told her: Wont live in a marriage of three/wont share her, and then given that she had burned me on her initial promise to "no contact" that I needed to see some sort of concrete, tangible effort or proof from her that would make me want to trust her-- IOW that the burden was on her to "show me." I did not specify what that would look like, though we had PREVIOUSLY, before my bomb drop that I knew everything about the A, discussed phone transparency about which she kind of deflected and was evasive: "Well, I deleted FB... and what's the point, I can always just create a new account or have an account on my work computer... etc." Our MC also indicated we should have some sort of transparency agreement but was non-specific, saying the couple had to decide what worked for them. More recently, W has been like "I'm doing all this stuff" (meaning checking in frequently, not going out with bff, at least locally), but I have not pushed or even asked for any type of particular transparency since I told her I knew all about the A. I honestly have been a little hesitant to push it since she HAS been making an effort, but that's prolly being wishy washy on my part.
Seems like I need to broach the subject againn
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
Dangit, why did I have to put up surveillance and snoop again? So, come to find out, she downloaded the "Viber" app onto her phone while at the beach with bff, which is a VOIP and also "secret chat" app. Then, I find out from OMs facebook page that he was not only out of town this past week but AT THE BEACH-- I don't know which beach because the two pics he posted don't say, but there are only really two within easy driving distance of here and my W was at one of them.
Quote:
She's also been real careful to not talk to bff in the car past couple of days because she apparently suspects or know I had a recorder in the car at one point.
Sounds like she's gone pretty deep with her A, probably because she knew you were snooping. That's what happens- the more we snoop the deeper undercover they go with it. Based on what you've posted it seems pretty clear she's actively engaging in an A. Can't say whether EA or PA but does it really matter? Given that info, what do you think your course of action should be from here?
I'll be a little more blunt because you seem to dance around everything.
Your wife is in an A with POS loser OM.
You have two options:
1. Keep spying on her and getting confirmation and then try to rationalize what your confirming is not true. This will keep you in a painful limbo for a very long time.
2. Act on your boundary and politely ask her to leave the house and see if she values marriage, family, and security.
One makes you look very weak and the other makes you look strong.
IMO you have a better chance to reconcile if you initiate separation.
