I agree with doodler. I know that it is "easier" to pretend like you are still a couple, but basically what you are doing is saying that you are OK being in a open M. If you are OK with that, then nothing wrong with what you are doing, however, if you are not OK with an open M, then why are you still thinking / acting like she's your W when she has a boyfriend?
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
I agree that the friend needs to go. But any time I mention it she says she feels more scared and trapped. I recognize that this is something she has to address in IC but she does feel isolated. A mutual friend who she had told that she was thinking about leaving me told her he respects me and so he couldn't help her move out if she decided to do that.
From what I understand my approach should be not to act overly lovey-dovey but to also show that there is a smooth path back if she chooses to take it. The more I disengage the less smooth I make that path.
...show that there is a smooth path back if she chooses to take it. The more I disengage the less smooth I make that path.
Tobias,
My original intent was just to reinforce the fact that your wife apparently has an inappropriate relationship with another man. But, you mentioned a "path back" to the relationship; your wife hasn't suffered any loss so she doesn't need a smooth path back, she's already where she wants to be.
If you had this conversation with your wife, "You need to choose me or the other man; I'm unwilling to stay in the marriage as long as you have a boyfriend. I would be very happy if you would chose me and I'm willing to do what needs to be done to save our marriage, but you have to be committed to the marriage as well." That establishes a boundary, the consequences of not heeding the boundary, as well as a smooth path back.
In my opinion, it's just as simple as that, but our emotions get the best of us so we get caught-up in a silly game of pursuit and distancing.
I had that conversation and she called that blackmail.
Also she CLAIMS that the inappropriate element has stopped and is now a 'regular' friendship. I find that hard to believe but at the same time there were legitimate concerns about me that I need to work on.
I know she needs to move out. But I am terrified that this will solidify her decision that she is better off alone and stay in that fog. But then the time we DO spent together is usually good.
I just feel I am damned if i do and damned if I don't. And as to what is easier on me? I don't even know.
Everything she is asking from me in terms of what she needs from me is what a M is about: intimacy, communication. She talks about the future (and then catches herself and says she is scared because she doesn't know what will happen). It's like she wants to go for it and then gets scared and thinks of all the times it went wrong in the past.
I am terrified to leave next weekend but I know I need to go.
The fact that she called that blackmail is a big red flag for me. It's not blackmail at all, and it's not even unreasonable. It's you standing up for yourself, but letting her know you also want her back.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
Your W basically just guilt tripped you with that blackmail nonsense. Twll her it's about respect. And that it's inappropriate to still be in comm unication with OM. At this point you need to make sure she respects you or things won't work out anyways.
I appreciate the concern and I do have some of it myself. But let me just sent you verbatim what she wrote to me an hour ago.
"BTW last night when I was telling you that it felt good to have someone say those things to me I was talking about how the initial appeal happened, not presently"
"I kind of am apprehensive because when I try to open up to you, you act calm and then at a later time you start saying things that seem like you're using my words against me"
(the second one is me basically on here when I said I took a step backwards or whenever OM is being brought up. This specific instance was what I wrote about earlier about what she said last night and I didn't really say anything this morning other than that it is clear she is confused about what she wants and what his role is in her life)
"When I think about living alone or staying somewhere alone I really do think about being away from literally everyone"
and
"And yeah I do think about hanging out with him again but that's because I want to be his friend. And I know I [censored] a lot up and there's a lot I regret because he really does have the potential to be a good bro"
I know she could be playing me. I know she could be wanting to eat her cake too. I know all of that but tell me that a) she isn't at least trying (even with me having some emotional moments) and that b) she isn't trying to be honest and open in communication and that c) she really seems to be torn and confused.
And here is a follow up. She complained that she has no say over finances (I tried to get her involved but either I ignored her or she changed her mind) and with her not having her own bank account (she had poor credit when we met) I figured this would help her feel more empowered and less controlled (even though she has access to all accounts and credit cards but I guess it's not the same)
ME: "anyway I hope you like this sheet i made with finances and working on the chores one. I don't want to decide all that alone but I figured I would make a start"
HER: "Yes that sounds great. We can set aside time at home to work on it..."
ME: "one thing I have really enjoyed lately is working as a team. I always missed that."
HER: "I am just so scared for many reasons right now and I don't want to make any fear-based decisions"
I'll quote the conversation I had with my XW the day after her 40. birthday party, 4 months before BD. Me:"why did you sit him at the table next to ours directly facing you when you know I'm not comfortable with him" Her:"come on, it was a coincidence, he is just a friend" Me:"I'm really not comfortable with that friendsship" Her:"how about you and "female coworker" (whom I go to lunch with at Burger King one a month in a group of four and exchanges maybe two texts with per month when gossiping about people from work and other silly stuff), I'm not comfortable with her... " Me:" come in, its just "female coworker". I don't even consider her female. She's just one of the guys, not even a sexual being in my eyes" Her:"exactly the same way i feel about OM"
Who is now banging her on a regular basis (I assmume...maybe they are playing bingo every night LOL)
The friend HAS to go....
M:46 WXW:40 T:20 M:13 D3,D8,D10 BD:11/12/16 D:12/14/16 OM confirmed 01/20/17
