Limerence and My Situation 2

[Parkema]

SJ,

You're right BUT also as I've had to move out of the family home and into my own rented home am in essence running two homes and as we know renting is massively more expensive than a mortgage. My next move I feel...

Mark.

[Parkema]

Hello All,

Since my last update nothing much has happened, the contact has become non-existent and when she does initiate contact it's usually just a "hello" as she picks the boys up from me.

When it's my turn to have the boys stay over WW now facetimes them I have gotten into a routine where I isolate them when this happens. So far I have seen no improvement with her wanting to pursue but it is still relatively early, I am slowly adjusting to the fact that our M will more than likely not R and am learning to adapt to the situation.

Getting out more and exercising daily is helping and the thoughts are becoming less and less. It's becoming a fight me wanting to continue to work on my M or just to cut it loose and concentrate on the boys and me BUT I'm not a quitter and not fighting for my M feels like quitting...

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. Again I re-read this and say to myself "Mark give it another year". I'm not interested in another R as I still deeply L my WW so can continue to detach, work on myself and get out more whilst being a great father and this is what I intend to do.

I'd like to ask for input from other's that have looked at themselves to see what made the M turn bad and what they did to improve it/them. I feel now that I have all this free time I should be looking at the core problem with me and my R with the WW and continue to improve me for my next chapter whether with my W or someone else.

With patience and focus I know either way I'll come out stronger and knowing that limerence MUST come to and end can stand back and watch their R go down the pan.

Take care all.

Mark.

[Btrow]

I'd like to ask for input from other's that have looked at themselves to see what made the M turn bad and what they did to improve it/them. I feel now that I have all this free time I should be looking at the core problem with me and my R with the WW and continue to improve me for my next chapter whether with my W or someone else.

Hi Mark

I am actually not quite sure what went wrong in my marriage. Life I guess… I’m assuming it was some sort of EA that spun out of control (darn workplaces).

During our summer holiday 2016, 3 months prior to BD, me and XW were walking hand in hand at a camp site in southern Europe and she told me it was a lovely place that we should consider going back to next year. 1 month prior to BD she wanted to spend the rest of her gift money from her 40’th birthday with me (some 7-900 dollars) and around the same time she invited my brother and his family over for new year’s eve (BD was in the middle of November…). The two main problems were probably communication and/regarding household chores, and I don’t think she felt as if I did enough. Problem is, I did enough. She worked evenings 2-3 times per week and left me to take care of the kids (lots of work with 3 kids, aged 3, 8, 9), and off course, I also put in a shift the other days. And it’s not like she put in a ton of work when she had the mornings off to herself.. Actually we hired someone to come clean the house a couple of hours every fortnight.

So the two main problems (which to me they seems fixable) were communication and chores. And those are impossible to work on when she’s not here.

So just like you, I’m more or less just playing the waiting game for limerence to fade. Main problem here, is that OM doesn’t stay at her house when the kids are there. Only visits. So they only play house when she is kiddy free. Which probably makes the expected time span longer than if they were living together.

If it ever ends…. Or I move on (not forward), I’ll update my own thread.

[Parkema]

Hi Btrow,

Thanks for your input.

I have ideas where I fell down and have been told by my WW a few things BUT these things are to say the least ridiculous! "You never changed your clothes often enough" WTF, we had an issue with our youngest son and him being insecure he would basically not sleep in his own bed so to get some peace WW would let him sleep in ours. Obviously intimacy took a downward slide BUT I was to blame...

I feel the biggest issue for me was I am the typical "Mr Nice Guy" and Sandi has me down to a tee. It's funny as I manage a large pool of men and being ex-military I can be and have to be very dominant to get anything done! Being separated is making it harder for me to improve on these things BUT having to manage the kids 50% of the time and disciplining them is a change for me as I would have allowed the WW to do this (she is so good at it).

I feel of course that she is also partly to blame; I would do something that irritated her and she would tell me so, I would as most men do blank it out or apologise then retreat to my "man cave" and allow her to calm down. Communication between us was a problem and me doing mostly everything else PLUS a full time job didn't help either.
Luckily most of these things are being worked on by me having to manage on my own without her and I feel NOT being home is taking it's toll on her too as she no longer has that support behind her. It's amazing how she saw all the bad things I did but not all of the good, I feel she is now to a degree...

Regarding the R and the situation you're In I feel this AP/LO is having the time of his life! Again we have some similarity here! There is some interaction between my boys and the AP/LO but he hasn't moved in to the FH why..?
As long has you're detaching and in no contact with her, looking after yourself and the kids that's all you can do! I am slowly learning my lessons here on the boards from those who have lived through it BUT do know the limerence will end but you might be in a more positive place when your WS comes to her senses...

Thanks again, take care.

Mark.

[AnotherStander]

Welcome back Mark! Hope you are doing well!

Since my last update nothing much has happened, the contact has become non-existent and when she does initiate contact it's usually just a "hello" as she picks the boys up from me.

GOOD! That will help you detach and eventually may help her to stat missing you.

I have seen no improvement with her wanting to pursue but it is still relatively early, I am slowly adjusting to the fact that our M will more than likely not R and am learning to adapt to the situation.

Too soon to know what she will do but I do think it's healthy for you to adapt and move on.

It's becoming a fight me wanting to continue to work on my M or just to cut it loose and concentrate on the boys and me BUT I'm not a quitter and not fighting for my M feels like quitting...

In DBing terms, fighting your your M is NOT doing all of the begging/ pleading that you brain is telling you to do. Leaving her alone and giving her time and space is HARD WORK because it is NOT what you want to do! Doing that is NOT quitting! Sometimes not doing anything is the hardest thing of all to do

I'm not interested in another R as I still deeply L my WW so can continue to detach, work on myself and get out more whilst being a great father and this is what I intend to do.

Great attitude! You do that and you will emerge a winner no matter what happens to your M.

I'd like to ask for input from other's that have looked at themselves to see what made the M turn bad and what they did to improve it/them. I feel now that I have all this free time I should be looking at the core problem with me and my R with the WW and continue to improve me for my next chapter whether with my W or someone else.

First of all, we all come here thinking we did something terribly wrong and wanting to know how to "fix" it. Honestly most of us were guilty of nothing more than just becoming too complacent in life. Think about what your W was originally attracted to. What kind of guy were you? You mentioned a military leadership role, so I bet you were strong, in great shape, confident, independent, authoritative. Are you any of those things now? Probably not. And that is NOT your fault, that is life. We get married, we have kids, we take on a new role as loving husband and father. We become dependent on our W's because that is what marriage is supposed to look like, right? We are too busy with careers and kids to work out, to be romantic, to have frequent sex. We pitch in with chores around the house. Our behavior changes from alpha to beta. Our spouse gets bored, and they go looking for that alpha we used to be. This is the whole idea of getting out and GAL, of getting in shape, dressing better, becoming independent. ALL of that is ALPHA. It's about becoming the person she was originally attracted to again. Quit pursuing her, quit being mopey, quit worrying about whether she's coming back. Focus on YOU. You will feel better about yourself, and in the end it may bring her back.

[AnotherStander]

DBing can be summed up as:

Bring her back by not trying to bring her back.

See why we say it's counter-intuitive? LOL!

[Parkema]

Hi Stander,

Totally agree with the whole grovelling, begging and whining very unattractive. Being counter-intuitive is so very hard for me to get my head around but can see how it works and am determined to carry on all of the DR'ing.

Thanks for the continued support.

Mark.

[Parkema]

Hello All,

Thought I'd do another catch-up!

Struggling with "dropping the rope" , for a person who is renowned as being logical almost to the point of being Vulcan (LOL) I find the counter-intuitiveness of this really hard to understand.
I bow to everybody's knowledge here and will continue to detach as much as I can.

Recently as my previous posts would suggest my WW has been slowly seeing less and less of me and to be honest it really isn’t affecting me as much as I thought it would. I have had a few tests recently regarding visitations but have stood my ground especially as our plan is the fairest unless we participated in a week for each, I know this wouldn’t be agreeable with WW so have reverted to 3-day each week alternating the 7th day.

Having just implementing this it will be interesting to see how it’ll affect her and after the trophy incident where we had a “talk” I’m not sure she will come to my home when I have the boys to spend time with them and instead opt for FaceTime sessions. This will obviously allow the rope to be loosened a little more BUT how can I continue to show her I am invested in our M? This site as I see it gives me the feeling that it’s more catering to prepare for life alone than to fight for the M (right thing to do)! Again I feel maybe it’s that counter-intuitive side of the advice that makes me feel this way.

I am trying to concentrate on gaining my respect back from WW but have been so “programmed” over years of submissiveness that I don’t even recognise when she’s disrespecting me! The other night as WW picked up the boys from my home she mentioned holidays and asked the dates I had booked off, being a bloke caught on the hop I mentioned HER dates as this is playing on my mind due to them having a “family” holiday somewhere booked with the AP/LO and my boys. She basically went alien and vented about me booking the same days, I corrected myself but was then presented with the sarcastic face directed to my S8. I now know I should have taken her to one side and ask her not to do that in front of the boys but she was in the car and about to drive off so missed the opportunity.

At the moment we’re experiencing her on an upward trend on the rollercoaster ride, this is being demonstrated by her coldness and total detachment from me I wonder how long it’ll be before she does a temperature check.

I’m finding it progressively difficult to keep focused on fighting for my M and would welcome some motivating comments…

I continue to:
1. Have “smart contact” – never pursue BUT when approached try to show her the best me whilst being a friend and safe place.
2. GAL – exercising, swimming, soccer and walking a lot, being with the boys having as many days out as my budget can stretch to.
3. Charging neutral – just not that good at it at the moment.
4. Journaling – Sorry for boring you all.
5. Working on me physically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually.
6. Reading everything I can about WW and A’s.

What’s helping with feelings?
1. Being with the boys – I intend to start reading to them at night just to instil that closeness, anybody know of good books to read for S10 & S8?
2. Listening to music.
3. Comedy – going to comedy clubs is great for GAL.
4. Working.
5. Very close circle of friends who understand why I continue to fight for my M. < very important (no family members).

Thanks for taking the time to read, take care.

Mark.

[Cadet]

Struggling with "dropping the rope" , for a person who is renowned as being logical almost to the point of being Vulcan (LOL)
I find the counter-intuitiveness of this really hard to understand.

First of all one of MWD's basics is to start with a beginners mind and not have preconceived ideas in your head that uses "logic" to try to understand this stuff.

Although after much research their is in fact logic here - just not something that most of us learn in our life.

In a nut shell I will try to simply explain.

One of the ingredients into WAS/MLC is that the persons hormones are out of wack.
If you study the science of hormones during a lifetime a woman's estrogen level falls off dramatically at menopause.
It does a 180 so to speak.
Men have something similar with drops in testosterone as life progresses.
There are other hormones involved too but for the sake of simplicity I will stick with this.
So when your body chemistry does a 180 what do you think that does to the rest of you?

So since you are dealing with a person that has done a 180 - normal "LOGIC" is not logical.

Hope that helps - Mr Spock

[Parkema]

Cadet,

My situation is that of a WW. NO MLC or WAW she is full blown shout it from the church top having an A. I put this down to chemicals as you would imply but the chemicals involved with limerence...

Thanks live long and prosper.