I had control over all the bills. My H worked long hours and I thought was accounted for 24/7. He had a hidden affair for 3 years with a woman 4.5 hours away. He insisted on driving our son to an activity about an hour from there and went and saw her. I had no idea she existed. They used FB messenger to text and talk. There are a million other options with apps, burner phones, etc.
I am in the same boat, all signs point to my W having an A but I have no proof. I try to investigate through cell phone information however I really didn't find anything. At this point in time it wouldn't change anything or how I am detaching etc. so I realize it could be happening but don't sweat it.
I think this is the hardest part of any of these situations: does the other person already have someone else.
If you cannot find evidence I would say either assume there is someone or assume that there is no one. There are too many ways that arrangements can be made (new credit card, paying in cash, having the other person pay, and OwnIt mentioned other things). If those things happen there is NO WAY you can detect it.
But I definitely get it. I too am thinking what she is telling other people etc. It drives you insane and doesn't help.
Would it be easier for you to assume there is someone else and that IF he wants to recommit to you HE will have to do the hard work of convincing you there is no one else.
OR to assume that he needs space/time and IF he comes back you assume there was no one else. OR if there was someone else that he made the choice that you are more important.
I have both his email and fb passwords. Unbeknownst to him. So he's not talking to anyone that way. I am going the version that he just needs his space right now. And if it turns out I was wrong then I'm wrong. But either way none of this stops me from detaching and finishing my house. And if he comes home he comes home. If he doesn't. He doesn't. I can't control it either way. I must move forward with my own life. I talked to one of my kids friends parents this weekend. And she left her husband for another man and is living with this man. And is telling the kids that their dad doesn't want anything to do with them. It's horrible. I know the father cares deeply about his kids and it's the mom that is taking the kids away. It just reiterated the need to get along if only for the kids.
It's just driving me insane that he says he's finished. He's done with the arguing. But he won't take the final step to finish it. So it gives me false hope. And I know the rules. Don't believe anything they say. But that is hard to do. Because like I said I don't want to rely on false hope.
So back when WH and I were together he built a garage he moved out before it was finished. He came back to finish it. But the driveway needed to be regarded to match the garage. I told him no. He wasn't living at home anymore he wouldn't be putting any more money into the house. And I left it at that. Two days ago WH texts me to tell me that the landscapers are coming to the house to redo the driveway. I said I was upset that he didn't respect my wishes to leave it alone. But what was done was done. And I wasn't going to argue about it. So I get home that night and not only do they have my driveway tore up they have tore up my front patio and garden as well. My front patio was horrible before. And my front garden was non existent. So I text WH and ask if he knew about this. He did and all I had to do was go over the plans for the interlocking stone and garden plans. I was floored. Why would he go to all this trouble for a house he doesn't live in? He's not planning on selling the house. We have already discussed that issue a long time ago. So now the house has a gorgeous interlocking brick front step and porch and a new garden. And the ironic part? They don't do paving for the driveway. They were there to fix the grade of the driveway. But mainly there to do the new porch and garden. So why would WH go to all this trouble to redo the front of the house if he never plans on coming home??? Thanks
Scrambled eggs for brains. That is what I was told every time I asked these why questions. My tells me constantly he wants a divorce (without using the word) but won't file and won't even tell me what he doesn't like about the separation agreement I had drawn up.
If you read the stories from a lot of the returners they say they knew they'd come back in 5-10 years whatever. I think they try to keep their place at home while they are out running around living the teenage life. Let him pour his money to improve a house he doesn't live in.
Forget about him and live as though he isn't coming back.
I'm trying to forget about him and move on. And most days I'm successful. It sometimes be throws me for a loop. Like doing the patio and garden. And today he tells me that he hopes I like it. Because he picked out what he thought I would like. What does it matter what I like or not? And he told me to have a good night. And he told me about his day yesterday. So weird.
I just read your sitch. I am impressed with your disposition and stance on this. You seem very level headed and strong. It is still relatively early and you have a solid grasp on things. I would say to try and keep in mind that it is still early. The saying here is that this is a marathon, not a sprint. Often we want answers and to know the outcome, however it really can take many months or even years to unfold. Even if D proceedings happen or legal paperwork is done, please keep in mind that things can still change. The emotional aspect still exists too, as that is all just paper.
I have been reading here for 3 plus years, and while I am no expert, I tend to think that there is some type of A in most sitches. Sometimes they are revealed right away and sometimes not at all. It sounds like it won't do you any good to worry about that or speculate anyhow, so I am glad you are letting that idea go. I only bring this up because you say that any type of A is an automatic deal breaker. I can understand feeling that way. I always felt that way too, until it happened to me. Sometimes as the years go by and we see the benefit our family has on our kids, or begin to understand our partner on a deeper level, the concept alone becomes less relevant than all the circumstances surrounding it.
I can completely sympathize with mindreading and why he is not moving things out, working on the house, and overall sending mixed messages. I struggled with that a lot! My H did and said so many things while he was gone that indicated he would come back. And he did. The thing is, when I have gone back and asked him about those incidents and if he was doing/saying it because he wasn't detached from me, I was only right about half the time. There were also so many random interactions that we had where he was missing me, wanting to come back, and showing remorse and I completely missed it. So my point is, it is very hard to tell and somewhat of a wasted effort.
My initial thought about the work he had done on your house, is that he plans on coming back. He could also just be feeling guilty for leaving. He also simply may care about you and the children and wants your space to be nice with no thoughts of returning. I wish we could tell, but I tend to believe we have no idea what they are thinking or feeling. One of my H's breaking moments (when he knew he wanted to come home) was when we had a random telephone conversation about walking the dog. Something very simple, which led to feelings of normalcy, was one of the straws that broke the camels back. ... Not however the bottle of wine and card he left on my bed months prior. That he said was just a thank you note. ... Sigh.
I think you are on the right track though. Keep living for you and keep up those DBing efforts--Sandis rules, GAL, 180s, and then allow that detachment. Detachment is good in any M or R for that matter. Your post a couple weeks back was right on target. You are going to have wonderful life with or without this man, and if he doesn't want in on it, well then you really don't want him either. It is almost that simple. On the flip side, often people come back together or remarry years down the road ...
Just take it day by day and keep living for you. This will all unfold as it should in time. Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
