First time poster-needs advice

[Cristy]

I still struggle with letting go and not wondering what he is doing. While we have 50/50 custody of the kids H is not happy because I am not flexible with him when it's convenient. I struggle because I know the kids need their Dad, but he is the one who didn't want a family or marriage anymore so I feel like I don't need to go out of my way to make life easier for him.

Hello mm2bs,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

You are so smart to recognize that you are not the one that needs to make things more convenient for H.

I continue to go out with friends and do things for myself when the kids are with their Dad, but any other suggestions on ways to help me move past this? It's been so long I thought things would be better by now....and while they definitely are I still have soo far to go

Focus your time, effort, and energy into being the best mm2bs and Mom that only a fool would leave.

Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy

Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[Tobias]

Reading this thread makes me recognize a lot.

(it also makes me wonder if perhaps we should have a companion site here where some of us LBS can match up with each other...)

As to advice. Your last paragraph is where I am at mentally. I know it's a marathon. I know it's complicated but I still hope for the quick fix. Realistically there might never be a fix. I also thought things would be better. Despite knowing better I still see each step forward as progress and with each step back I get hurt again.

I do think in YOUR sitch insisting the kids don't see the other R is fair. And you SHOULD have some control over that.

[AnotherStander]

Hello and welcome back!

I still struggle with letting go and not wondering what he is doing. While we have 50/50 custody of the kids H is not happy because I am not flexible with him when it's convenient. I struggle because I know the kids need their Dad, but he is the one who didn't want a family or marriage anymore so I feel like I don't need to go out of my way to make life easier for him.

I'm just curious, do you do this to punish H or is he asking things that are just very inconvenient for you? I was really flexible on visitation with XW after S and D because I found that sometimes I needed her to be flexible too. Sometimes I have a surprise business trip on my week to have the kids (now kid, two are grown and moved out) for example. And that has worked well for us.

I continue to go out with friends and do things for myself when the kids are with their Dad, but any other suggestions on ways to help me move past this? It's been so long I thought things would be better by now....and while they definitely are I still have soo far to go

Well, the recovery process is not linear or predictable. You're 3 years post BD and that is quite a while, but your personal recovery may take longer than that for others. It sounds like you've got some GAL activities, maybe try to add more in where you make new friends? I didn't have trouble meeting new people, but for those that do I've heard that meetup.com is great for that. It's not a dating site, it's a site where you plug in your interests (hiking, kayaking, sight-seeing, etc. etc.) and you'll get suggestions on upcoming group events.

[mm2bs]

Thanks Tobias and Another. Good question about time. To be honest I think it's a little of both. Many times it is last minute requests and the kids and I have plans to do something I don't necessarily want to change. I guess I could, but it's not what I want.

I feel like it took a lot to come up with the arrangement we have and from my perspective it really maximizes the time we each get to spend with the kids. Our schedule isn't the typical every other week/every other weekend because of our work schedules. Each of us gets to see the kids every day. That can be difficult because we do have a lot of exchanges and interactions, but when he decided to leave we agreed it was probably best for the kids to keep their routine about the same.

It seems to me that he only wants me to switch times with him when friends are doing things with their kids and he wants to come along. Most of them are married so flexibility is much easier. I've asked that he plan these activities during the time he has the kids, but his response is I doubt anyone will go...I'm not sure how to respond.

So long short answer is yes, sometimes it is inconvenient, other times I want to "punish" him so he can see what divorce really is. That I'm not always just going to go along with what he wants.

I've definitely been getting out more and went on my first solo vacation with the kids. We met up with some of their friends and parents and had a really good time. On the outside I doubt you could tell how much I really still feel conflicted and sad on the inside. I just want my inside to match the outside

[mm2bs]

So...what would have been our 15 yr anniversary has come and gone. No recognition of the day by either of us which was to be expected. I ended up taking the kids out to dinner that night to celebrate anyway. If it wasn't for the marriage, I wouldn't have them...so I figured that was reason enough to celebrate.

In an effort to keep being honest it was still a really tough day for me. I kept busy and plowed through, but when I got home I was cleaning up some things and found an old card from my H. It was a happy 20th anniversary card I'd gotten years earlier and inside it said I know we've only been married for 7 but I know someday we'll be celebrating 20. My life with you is great. All of a sudden that punch in the gut feeling came over me. On a good note, I got over that dreadful feeling a lot quicker than I would have 2 yrs ago, so I guess I am making progress. I'm not a patient person by nature (one of the things I'm working on) so I expect a lot more of myself sometimes.

[mm2bs]

I can't believe it's been over 2 months since I last posted. I read here almost every day, but just struggle with putting my story out there.

My H and I had a big blow up a few days ago and it really sent me spinning. I've definitely settled down since then, but I'm still bothered by the fact that I let him get to me. He's known me so long he definitely knows what buttons to push to set me off. I am disappointed in myself that I couldn't stop spewing once I started.

We are moving to a new custody schedule which will give him more nights each month with our kids and I am really struggling with that...as are the kids. They have said they like seeing him, but want to sleep at home (my house...the marital home).

I read other stories on here and see clearly how the WW/WH, is so "off" and their words are just that words, but when it comes to my situation it's so hard to see they really are just words or what he is feeling in the moment. I have some really close friends who have been through divorce and they have given me great advice. It's just so hard to hear the words...I don't want to be with you...I don't love you, I love her...because she's nice to me and you aren't.

I really do struggle with "being nice" to him. I still have a lot of anger that I'm working through at him leaving, so I try to keep my interactions with him to a minimum. I am frustrated that he left our marriage and family and spends time with his AP. My kids have told me they wish they could just hang out with their Dad, but she always texts him and asks to come along too. My H is a typical "Nice Guy" and he struggles to say no to people.

I am working so hard at detaching so that I can at least be civil in our interactions. I have told him I"m not interested in being his friend, so even though I'm typically a pretty friendly person by nature, my interactions with him are not what I would consider friendly. Should they be??

As much as he's hurt me and my whole family, I am still interested in saving my marriage. I know I need to focus on me and my kids and leave him to do what he will do, but gosh is that hard. One day at a time I guess.