Going through divorce #2

[lcause]

New thread.

Old one available at Going through divorce part 1

lcause, can you clarify the status of your D a little? It looks like it's not final yet from your signature, but I see you saying you're "technically divorced" and things like that.

Have you read Txhubby's thread? I think he does a great job of explaining how you can detach and GAL. It really helped me realize that I should not let myself be dragged down to W's level.

D filed, there is a waiting period before it can legally be ended. Thinking time, if you will. So legally married, technically divorced

I have read it. His story is so inspirational but I think our situations are pretty different. I don't know if my XW is WW but she certainly isn't "cocky" at all.

I'm trying to search for groups etc. to meet new people. I'm also going to join a hacklab and participate in it stuff. Bought a guitar and a new bicycle. Carbon fiber baby! Also, collecting phone numbers of companies to call to and trying to spice up my portfolio.

Now spending the weekend at relatives with my daughter. She's gonna play with my mom and I'm going to go to run 8 miles. Sauna afterwards. Maybe a beer. Life is smiling right now. I realized I've been feeling depressed because I haven't taken vitamins and fish oil. I'm going to talk to my doctor about anti-depressants but I don't know if I want to go that route. Last time he said I've been progressing and if I can keep up with my routine there should be no need. Tapering off is pita. Also, I've been slacking off at exercising! Now I'm going to run again every day. Moving, sorting stuff and buying new furniture took all the juice for a while and probably added to the stress.

[lcause]

A few days went by. Nothing new really. I suspect there is an A due to new clues but that's it about that. There is no reason to obsess about it.

Spent quality time playing with my daughter and just dropped her to my XWs place. Hold my S for a while and left.

Is it normal that the LBS starts to feel that he/she isn't everything that was wrong? That the other S contributed quite a bit for the fall? I didn't remember but I've hold thoughts that I back off because she doesn't seem to care about me. I now remember that I have actively tried to be with her but she's the one who has been absent! She spent time doing nothing on her phone when we had time to be together. She drove me to sleep on couch because I snore or wake up the baby with my alarm clock!

For the first time I actually started to think that I'm not so sure if I really want the R with her anymore, especially if she hasn't changed herself. Is this normal? Am I just being emotional even when I don't really feel like it?

XW didn't contact a single time for the whole weekend which was nice for detaching. She spent the weekend at a summer cottage, and my daughter was feeling a bit down that she couldn't go. I asked my XW why not and she said it'd be odd. She texted later that she thinks D could go but I have to understand she doesn't have many adult friends and she wants to have adult conversations. Felt a bit odd to me but ok.

She continued texting me and then said she's sorry to bother me. And then she said "if it's ok, can I ask how you feel?". I told her that I'm fine, life's ahead! She said she's glad to hear it because she has been stressing it a lot that I'm feeling depressed. Technically, my feelings are not her business anymore... not sure why she would be obsessed about how I am feeling.

GALing and detaching continues. I'm very glad I found this site and DB/DR.

[lcause]

Dear diary,

today I failed again. We talked about our R. But XW was the one to start it. She said that she hopes we don't start fighting and told me that she misses the good times we had but the overall picture affected to the decision. That she waited for me to change but nothing happened. That she was naive to wait for it.

I told her I miss the good times too and that I can understand her feelings. I told her that it is ok to feel like that. Then I went on rambling that I'm going to change for myself and make myself the best father and a lovable husband. That future shows what happens, I love my family with all my heart and I would want us to be together someday. I added that it is not necessary/or my need, but I want it.

Argh. So good progress and then I fail it all over again by going emotional and getting sucked into the discussion. My XW just said "that sounds like a good plan". Trust nothing they say. She also said that she has really noticed that I am feeling happy about my future.

I ruined it. Meh. 180s continue and GAL.

[dale165]

That doesn't sound too bad. Probably could have done without the "I'm changing part". You doing it would be much better, actually its critical. She brought it up, so keep conversation in the same manner as her. Called mirroring I believe. Been in your shoes man, impatience will set this back. You will screw up like us all, but for every step backwards make two steps forward.

[AnotherStander]

today I failed again. We talked about our R. But XW was the one to start it.

I agree with Dale, that is not failure. It is OK to talk about the R if THEY bring it up. You're just not supposed to initiate R talks yourself. And when they bring it up, try to just listen and validate.

She said that she hopes we don't start fighting and told me that she misses the good times we had but the overall picture affected to the decision.

That may sound bad but it's actually a good sign! WAS's start out remembering nothing but the bad things. When they start remembering there were good times too, then it shows they may be starting a turnaround.

Then I went on rambling that I'm going to change for myself and make myself the best father and a lovable husband. That future shows what happens, I love my family with all my heart and I would want us to be together someday. I added that it is not necessary/or my need, but I want it.

Well that's not terrible, but next time leave out the talk about a future with HER. You're working on yourself, you want to be the best you that you can be, and the best father to your kids. Stop there.

Argh. So good progress and then I fail it all over again by going emotional and getting sucked into the discussion.

Actually you did quite well!

She also said that she has really noticed that I am feeling happy about my future.

Another great sign! Remember it's all about baby steps rather than big moves.

[lcause]

Thanks AS and dale for the support.

I read another forum and they seem to be determined that an A has to be found and exposed before the marriage is even possible to be saved. If it stays under the radar for a long period of time, the marriage is 100% over. I suspect there is because of the WhatsApp use and some other stuff.

The problem is that I can't do anything about it. I can't snoop and according to these guidelines it is bad. Confronting her only gets lies if there is something and pushes her further away.

I know I promised not to obsess about an A. I am not obsessing, just genuinely interested if DBing naturally kills the affairs without exposure on them. I still haven't read the book(s).

[SJW]

Hi Lcause, I would really recommend getting the books. I find DR better but that's just my personal preference. I have read and keep re reading. I know my sitch is different as H openly admitted A from the word go as in his eyes it's not an A but the books talk about all the different scenarios.

You're right you have to keep working on you for you and as AS says it sounds like she noticing.

SJ

[AnotherStander]

I read another forum and they seem to be determined that an A has to be found and exposed before the marriage is even possible to be saved. If it stays under the radar for a long period of time, the marriage is 100% over.

Anytime you read an absolute like that, like "if X happens then it's 100% over" you should immediately question the validity of it. Nothing is ever an absolute. Marriages have recovered from seemingly impossible situations. The coaches in Retrouvaille are couples that have gone through hell and back and saved their M's. We're not supposed to disclose what happens in R, but I think it's OK to mention that at one point you hear the stories of the hosting couples and it is staggering what most of them have gone through. I mean picture the worst possible scenario, then dig a hole under it and down there in that dark hole is where some of those couples were. It is almost guaranteed to make you feel like your own marital problems are a walk through a field of daisies by comparison! And they not only recovered, but are exceedingly happy. It's quite amazing.

The problem is that I can't do anything about it. I can't snoop and according to these guidelines it is bad. Confronting her only gets lies if there is something and pushes her further away.

Here's the thing, does knowing or not knowing change your sitch? It really doesn't, you got BD'd and she wants out regardless of whether there is an OM or not. My W had an OM that she claimed was just a friend. To this day I don't know what was going on with them before BD and S, all I know is she wanted out. I wanted to save the M, she didn't. People asked me early on if it would make a difference to me if I knew. I decided it didn't, I would still want to save the M. Once I came to that realization, I quit worrying about it. And that took a lot of the stress of my sitch. At one point after S I had to drop something off to W. She asked me to leave it in her mailbox that afternoon. I forgot and didn't remember until I left for work the next day, like 5:30am or so. When I drove over, there was OM's truck in the drive. So yeah, at SOME point it was physical. I don't know when, and it doesn't really matter. People act like an affair is such a betrayal, but to me BD is the REAL betrayal. Anything else is just a byproduct of BD.

[lcause]

I understand. They meant that by exposing the affair you are putting pressure on them and thus making the affair crumble and die. By leaving them be they can continue it until the point is crossed where the WAS simply is completely over his/her S and/or publicly dating/jumping to another A. Also there is never a chance for recon before the A is over.

Also, at least TXHubby said there's a different approach if S is having an A. Don't know what he meant.

Do you think the A was a reason why your W never wanted to recon? Although that is kind of mind reading. Just curious, no need to answer if the question is too rude. Sorry.

BD indeed is because these things should be really gone through before they end up like this. There are so many options yet people don't utilize them but just continue to nag/argue until it's too late.

XW sent me a msg today asking if I would want to taste something she cooked. She dropped my D here and gave me the food. It was good.

[dale165]

Ive heard both sides of why and why not. I can tell you that when I had a hunch and finally went wild on both W and OM they retreated and I would assume got closer than ever. That happens to be one of the reasons not to do it. When I exposed it they were together for 7 months so it wasn't brand new. Plus exposing it runs the risk of making W look like a terrible person to the world. More reason to hide. I would guess that exposing a brand new one would work better.

Going about your business is probably the best answer but I totally understand. I think I was finally able to start detaching when my wife fessed up. It took her several months to fess up. She initially did it piece by piece which 90% of it was lies.

I personally would want to know too. Its just the way I am. It actually helped me. BUT, there is a good chance you doing and going about this will bring your Ego and emotional state to places you didn't think were possible. Good chance your W lies initially and strings you along with more lies. You did mention this has happened before in prior R so maybe you do know more about it.

So with all that said, you don't know anything factual. I would rather see you go about your business for awhile and see what happens. When you hit a snag, post here for more advice.