Finding my way in the dark

[AnotherStander]

W is starting to get very suspicious of the changes I'm making in myself. Asking me why I'm doing things and what I'm planning. She's also gotten angry with me wearing cologne to work.

It's the classic "she doesn't want you but she doesn't want anyone else to have you" scenario. How dare you not just sit around at home waiting to see if she changes her mind or not!! The nerve of you establishing your own life without her!! Who do you think you are? Get used to it, WAS's do not like any positive changes they see in the LBS and often they'll lash out about it. Her angry response means it's getting her attention. You just keep focusing on YOU and leave her to her little temper tantrums. Eventually she'll quit pouting about it and start wondering instead. What is she giving up? What if you move on? Is this all a huge mistake? It's not going to happen overnight, but it will slowly over time.

[Holding]

Thanks, AS! That made me feel a little better. I'll stay the course. The unpredictability is hard to deal with. But I suppose that's par for the course, so I better get used to it!

Does anyone have any advice for stopping relatives from poking their nose into things? My parents know about my situation, and even though I've asked them to butt out, I have a feeling they might still try to insert themselves. As sad as it is to say, I really regret telling them because I'm afraid of what they might do.

[doodler]

Does anyone have any advice for stopping relatives from poking their nose into things?

Tell them you're considering a sex change. That'll create a diversion and give them something else to focus on.

[Holding]

LOL!

[Holding]

I could really use some advice on dealing with unsupportive parents. They're starting to give me a lot of grief for my situation and are trying to push me to end things. I'm really regretting telling them anything at this point. I have a feeling the only thing that may work at this point is a complete communication blockade with them. They are so overbearing.

[Benito]

I have a very poor relationship with my parents. When my W walked out in March they saw it as the perfect opportunity to stick the boot in "We always knew she would find you out".. "you must have done some terrible things to make her walk away" - even though they have probably spent less than 24 hours with us in the 9 years we have been together.

So.. in direct answer to your question.. Its got nothing to do with them and they only have as much power as you give them. End of.

[AnotherStander]

I could really use some advice on dealing with unsupportive parents. They're starting to give me a lot of grief for my situation and are trying to push me to end things.

This is in chapter 1 of DB. It might help if you read it again. I haven't read it in quite some time (I really need to do a refresher with it) but from what I remember I think Michele suggests just telling your network that you are standing for your M and you would appreciate it if they respect your decision and support you. Friends and family think (wrongly) that ending things is the quickest way out of the pain, so they think they're encouraging you to do the right thing. But they're not.

[dale165]

Last part of comment above - YES!

My mom did this to my dad when I was two, 29 years ago. Dad asked mom to reconcile once she said no so he left. He thinks I should do the same. It started to create an unspoken rift between us. I asked him to borrow his jack stands a while back he came very close to saying no unless I end things with my W. I just know those were the next words. I cut him off and said look, this is my life and I think this is best for me. You either going to support me or not, I don't need people on my team who are opposition.

Soon after he called and said he was sorry. He said what my mom did still haunts him and he doesn't want to see me hurt anymore as he did.

Think you can be direct as I was? It worked for me but end of day if it didn't work that's not their problem.

[Holding]

Thanks for the replies, Benni, AS, and Dale! Sounds like I need to be firm on my stance and boundaries with my parents. My father especially can be like a steamroller of self-righteousness, so being firm with him will be the biggest challenge.

Benni, sorry to hear your parents were so cruel to you. Mine didn't go to that length, but they're not far behind in their reaction to my desire to save things. It's ironic that my parents are the ones who want me to get out, but W's parents are telling her to try to work on things. W and I always seem to be on opposite sides of the same coin.

AS, I haven't read DB but have read DR. But that was over a month ago and I'm probably due for a re-read. I was told that DR is basically an updated version of DB. Is that not the case?

Dale, thanks for sharing your story. I know my parents want the best for me, but they just don't understand the DB approach. They're very religious, oppressively so. Unfortunately they play tit for tat as well.

[AnotherStander]

I was told that DR is basically an updated version of DB. Is that not the case?

Yes. The biggest difference I noticed between the two is DB didn't really give a timeline. She clarified in DR that the timeline can be quite long and she was sorry for misleading people into thinking DBing is a quick fix (there really is no quick fix). She didn't intend for DB to imply a quick turnaround was possible, but the way it was written made it sound like it. Anyway I can't remember if chapter 1 is the same in both books regarding the friends and family situation. I'll try to check that this weekend.