Good job! Let me encourage all you newcomers to do whatever is necessary to heighten your self confidence. It is so very attractive and one of the traits that can begin drawing your spouse back into the relationship. I recommend making a list of the areas where you need some good old fashion confidence boosting. Then seek ways that will help you to improve. This helps all the areas of your life. If you don't like reading self-help books, you can read shorter pieces on the Internet.
I also recommend that you be extremely picky about the music you hear, the movies you watch, and the company you keep. Listen to music that inspires you and gets your blood pumping (or calms you down, whichever you need). Watch most any type of movie, except sad or love stories. Avoid people who are depressed, bitter, negative, etc. This is the time you must think about what is good & bad for you. If you have become a person pleaser......stop it. Start pleasing yourself. Maybe that sounds self centered, however, I am saying things to help you during an extremely difficult period.
When you know you will see your W for kid swap or whatever, mentally prepare by talking to yourself in the mirror, listening to self help tapes, or whatever lifts your mood. People can effect their outcome by how prepared they go into it.
One thing that I see is a stumbling block for some LBH's, are the surprises that catch them totally unprepared. The W either says something that catches you off guard, or springs something on you. I suggest you learn a few backup phrases to get you through the moment, until the oxygen gets to your brain. If you have a habit of immediately giving her an answer, learn to relax and tell her you'll get back with her, or you'll think it over, etc.
Keep your free weekends full. When the kids are gone, always have something planned to GAL. Don't sit at home alone with your thoughts, regrets, and depression. And btw, if you have trouble sleeping or depression, see your doctor.
Although you desire to have your MR saved, this can be a time for you to enjoy some things you may not have again. You won't have to let someone know every step you make. You can be out and do whatever you choose......without checking with your W. You don't have to get approval, permission, or be home by a specific time. You won't have to deal with a bad mood when you go home. .
You can download, free, information about the ... Look for ... and see if it sounds like you. If so, then please read through it. I've been here a long time and the majority of LBH's have the NGS. It is not the same as being a good man. You need to understand the difference. You know the old saying about nice guys finish last? Nice passive guys lose their W's respect. Passivity is not attractive in a man. So, please read about it and examine yourself.
Last edited by Cristy; 07/06/1708:48 AM. Reason: As stated in our OnLine Community Board Rules, we do not allow recommendations of non-DivorceBusting books / websites / blogs etc
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Awesome stuff, I did some light reading this evening on NGS and simple changes I can make is by saying "no" more frequently and definitely having a life outside of my marriage. I spoke to my neighbor tonight who I am friends with and we made a pact to start golfing 1 day a month so that is a start!! If I am guilty of anything that would be something I fell victim of. I only wish I did not fall into that rut which got me here in the first place.
My self-confidence took a hit when my wife told me she was not physically attracted to me. A couple of weeks later she told me I looked good and noticed the weight I had lost (I also went out and bought some new clothes). I have always lifted weights and considered my-self in the 80% of shape for a 44 yr old so I never could have imagined she would not be attracted to me. I guess with women it is more mental. Anyway, my confidence is at an all time right after I lift weights (it is also a great avenue for working out my anger issues). Now that I have lost about 15 my confidence is coming back. I just need to figure out a way to show my confidence around her without seeming to eager.
Other than that went out with some friends this evening over to their pool had a barbecue and swam for a while. This would normally be something we would do as a family since our children play together however tonight I had to fly solo! Not sure what I will do tomorrow other than hit the gym, mow the yard and probably hit Barnes and Noble . I have been invited out on the lake for boating/fireworks however I might just take it easy and hang around the house since this weekend I have been pretty active. A day of rest sounds nice.
Woke up this morning feeling good. Made some breakfast, going to have a couple cups of coffee then hit the gym. No contact from the Wife since yday when she picked up the kids. I forgot to pack my youngest D's ipad in her bag before she left so we shall see if she reaches out to me for it. It appears that my wife is practicing her own form of detachment as well since she doesn't call me either. Many of the posts I have read on here indicate there is more of a dialogue that exists between the couples. I assume that is not good in my situation however I can't control it so I won't worry about it. I guess we are playing a little but of chicken at this point in time so we will see how long it lasts until W gives in .
Just journaling again......heading out for the day on the lake with some friends. Kid and wife free.....I must say, even though this has been hard it is kind of nice to have some peace and quiet with no one to worry about other than myself!!
No action on the wife front....she has the kids today and I have not spoke with them since yesterday when she picked them up. My next interaction should be tomorrow night after work.
This board/community has been a lifesaver for me and has offered great advice and helps me not feel alone with my struggles!
Just got back from lake had a great day. Met up with some friends and there was a single lady there who is my age (43) that was asking about me. Total boost to the confidence, put it in my memory bank for later. Wife texted me earlier said she had to drop some stuff off. On the 4th of july? Really? I told her I was not home but she could drop off what she needed to.
Woke up this morning feeling great. Will get my kids this evening so I will see my wife later on. Been thinking about the woman on the beach and if I should reach out to her. Since she is a friend of a friend it would be easy to get her number and text her to see if she wanted to get together for a drink some time this week. Not sure what to do. Advice? My Wife and I are still married, she has not mentioned the Divorce conversation since she moved out and we did not have the talk about seeing other people. On one hand I feel like it is acceptable because she was the one who moved out, told me she did not love me and was not physically attracted to me. However we are still married. All of the signs point to her having an affair but I have no proof. You can also tell by my journaling that she has not cracked yet and started to reach out to me.
It's good hear about you having a great day. It took me a while to figure out who determined if I had a good day, or not. . I foolishly put that responsibility on other people, and discovered when leaving it up to someone else.......more than likely, I would have fewer good days. So, I realized I was in charge of my feelings, and although I couldn't control things that happened in a day, I could control how I responded to it. When I maintain that thought pattern, then I can face nuances, difficult people, etc., as a challenge. I try to challenge myself to control my attitude and responses, and I purposely do something to reboost my energy, or calm my soul. Why allow someone else the power to make our day good or bad?
That ^^^^^ may appear laughable to someone in your shoes. It doesn't take much for our spouses to change our mood. That's why I encourage you to have a plan for the days that are more challenging. You know, when you feel down, lonely, or a number of negative feelings. Have a reservoir of "Pick Me Ups" in the form of good books, motivational tapes, a running list of new things to try, etc. Sometimes, it takes work to have a good day.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I highly doubt that you are ready to date now. You might think you are and the thought of some female companionship probably clouds your thinking. Plus no healthy woman would want do date a guy that separated recently. Look into some of the advise (and 2x4) that was given EastTN in his thread.
The friend of a friend will still have this womans phone number in 6 or 12 months.
M:46 WXW:40 T:20 M:13 D3,D8,D10 BD:11/12/16 D:12/14/16 OM confirmed 01/20/17
Yes, it would be for nothing else other than companionship. Certainly not ready for another relationship but definitely could hang out, have fun, etc.
I think I am advancing through this faster since my wife is also not having any contact with me. I do know for a fact that she is very good about detaching herself in any situation. Unfortunately she did not have the best childhood and her step-father crossed some boundaries. Her mom never divorced the man and through it I think my wife developed this ability to detach and not fully invest herself emotionally in any situation. Last year she also finally removed her mother from her life permanently after her mom accused of child neglect with our two children. She called CPS on us as well. Nothing could be farther from the truth but unfortunately we had to take our children down to their offices for them to investigate. My wife and just sat there and cried and could not believe her mother could do this. Needless to say her mom is nuts and was molested as a child so I know that probably still impacts her today. Just sad and unfortunate. My wife always told me I was her rock and she could never imagine me and the kids ever being part or not there for her. Maybe her priorities have changed since removing her mom from her life. Still not 100% sure how it can go from that to this.....sex was also very good. She told me multiple times it is the best she has ever had. Absolutely makes no sense.........
Wife texted me earlier this morning and asked if I was working today. I responded and told her "yes", why what's up? She asked when I was going to pick up our children tonight since it is my night to have them. I told her around 5 pm, got no response. It sounds like the single life in a 1000 sq ft apt with 2 kids is wearing on her a bit! Too funny......
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. I have been invited out on the lake for boating/fireworks however I might just take it easy and hang around the house since this weekend I have been pretty active. A day of rest sounds nice.