Finding my way in the dark

[Accuray]

Hi holding,

No private messages for anyone. "Dropping the rope" means that your emotions are no longer impacted by what your WAS does or does not do.

There is some disagreement about it in that some people believe it's something you can do, and others don't. I think it's something that "just happens" given enough passage of time.

You *can* act as if you've dropped the rope, which is the basis of "fake it until you make it"

The point of dropping the rope for your WAS' sake is to open the cage door and let them off the hook for your feelings, and to make them (legitimately) wonder if you are available for them to return to.

The point of dropping the rope for you is to get your sanity back as it were, such that you're able to function as a whole person with "normal" emotions independent of what your WAS says, thinks, or does.

Acc

[Holding]

Thanks for the clarification, Acc.

I met with my IC yesterday, and she thinks I'm taking the email from the MC the wrong way possibly. To be clear, the email basically said, "Your relationship with W is over, but you're working on a new one, and that can be a good thing. Give yourself time to grieve. Do things that make you happy." I still think this is the MC's way of letting me down easy and transitioning into co-parenting. IC says this is possible, but it's not the only possibility. Does this change anyone's mind about the MC?

Anyway, my IC has some issues with the DB approach, which I discussed with her at length. She expressed concern that by detaching I'll be making my heart "hardened". She said using negative emotions as a basis for my decision to detach is a bad idea, but if I'm detaching out of a positive emotion (If you love someone, set them free) then that's okay. How do IC's usually react to DB?

[AnotherStander]

To be clear, the email basically said, "Your relationship with W is over, but you're working on a new one, and that can be a good thing. Give yourself time to grieve. Do things that make you happy." I still think this is the MC's way of letting me down easy and transitioning into co-parenting. IC says this is possible, but it's not the only possibility. Does this change anyone's mind about the MC?

Interesting, well that is far different than what you said before. Actually that is very much in line with what Michele says in her books and what we say here.

She expressed concern that by detaching I'll be making my heart "hardened". She said using negative emotions as a basis for my decision to detach is a bad idea, but if I'm detaching out of a positive emotion (If you love someone, set them free) then that's okay. How do IC's usually react to DB?

It's 5 years post-BD for me, 3 years post-D and I still love my XW. Am I sitting around waiting for her return? No. Do I hope she has an awakening and begs to return? No. Is my heart hardened? Absolutely not. I love her, I respect her, I still think she is an amazing woman and I look back on our many years together with a ton of fondness. I don't know why she did what she did, but I am confident she felt it was right and she was following her heart. And I think she is relatively happy now and I am glad for her. Detaching is moving on, not hardening your heart.

[Holding]

Thanks, AS!

I will admit I have a tendency to assume the worst about things, and that's what I did with the MC's email. I've probably been doing that a lot more than I should. But the MC does give me a weird vibe.

I appreciate the input on detaching. I guess at this point I honestly feel I'm doing it out of spite. I'm angry and I want her to realize what she's missing. I'm not sure if that's a good thing.

I've also recognized that I'm trying to rush myself through this process. It's only been two months since BD, and everyone here says this is a marathon not a sprint.

[Henwen]

I am 8 months in now since my WAH BD. This weekend I finally felt free of the emotional roller coaster he had is on. It's like something just clicked. And I thought I don't want this anymore. I want him. But not like this. So I straight out told him we need to sit down and get a parenting plan together and custody and everything tidied up. He didn't answer me. But you know what. He text me have a good night. I haven't heard that in six months. I used to say it to him and he would say thanks or ok. Never say it back. Tonight I got that. I was shocked. But I'm not putting too much stock in it. So please don't beat yourself up over the mistakes you are making. It's ok to be angry. They did you an injustice. But it really really is true. Go out there and GAL. Truly. Stop falling victim to her roller coaster. You don't deserve it. You are way better then that. I know it's hard. I've been there. We all have. And we are all here for you. This is not going to be easy. But I can promise you it is going to be worth it. Whether you make it back together or not. You owe it to yourself to take care of you. The rest will follow. I wish you luck and true self happiness

[Accuray]

Hi Holding,

This is a great observation:

I guess at this point I honestly feel I'm doing it out of spite. I'm angry and I want her to realize what she's missing. I'm not sure if that's a good thing.

There's an important distinction -- detaching is 100% about you, it's not a tactic used to elicit a reaction. If you're looking for a reaction then you are not detached pretty much by definition.

Does that make sense?

Going dark is a tactic, detaching is a state of being. If you're detached, no matter what reaction she had, positive, negative, or indifferent, you would not be impacted emotionally at all.

That's what you're going for with the DB tactic of "act as if", you're attempting to appear detached, which means you also need to be impervious to her reactions, no matter what they are.

Regarding your IC's feedback, your IC's job is to make you feel better, DB's job is to save your marriage. Those are not the same thing.

Let's pretend that your IC is correct and you do harden your heart -- why is that bad? If your W wants back into this marriage she should work for it, just like you should. She should win you back. If you're just there for the taking, why is that interesting? If you equate a hardened heart with being cruel, that would be bad. If you equate it with being indifferent, I don't think that's a bad thing for where you are right now, and it's certainly 1000% more productive than pursuing.

Acc

[Holding]

Henwen, thanks for sharing your experiences. It really helps put things into perspective for me. I hope I get to that day where I no longer feel affected by what she's doing. Thanks for the support!

Acc, I suppose the best I can do for now is "act as if" and shoot for indifferent. I don't want to be cruel, as that's not who I am as a person. But I do have fantasies about being cruel, and they make me feel better - although I'd never do them.

I did some really great activities today - bucket list type stuff! Just treated myself to an awesome dinner too. So I'm feeling good for now.

[Accuray]

Awesome holding glad to hear it! Taking good care of yourself is the most important thing to do. One of my pet peeves on this site is that people come here hurting looking for support and sometime people (with the best of intentions) immediately ask what they did wrong in the marriage while implies they are here through their own fault.

Relationships are far more complicated than that and in my experience the LBS takes on too much guilt and responsibility--not too little. Your wife is at least equally responsible for getting you here full stop.

You're a good man, you'll be super happy with your life again no matter what happens, that I can promise. You just have to walk a painful road for a while but it does get (much) better.

Acc

[Holding]

Thanks for the support, Acc!

W is starting to get very suspicious of the changes I'm making in myself. Asking me why I'm doing things and what I'm planning. She's also gotten angry with me wearing cologne to work. This led her to start a talk about how I've accused her of infidelity (not just since BD but in the past) and not wearing her ring. It really felt like she was trying to initiate an argument. I had to internally talk myself down when I felt I was about to be pulled in.

I was prepared for the suspicions, but not the anger in this way. I suppose it makes sense though.

Had a good Fourth holiday, good dinner, and fireworks with my sons. W was around - at moments things almost felt "normal" with W. She initiated plenty on eye contact.

On a positive note, I feel like I'm getting better at dealing with W's constant attention to her phone. I'm telling myself not to worry about it and not to check if she has her phone glued to her at all times. What she does is her business and I can't let it take me down.

[Holding]

Sandi, if you happen to pop in here, I'd love to get your input on my sitch too! I've been reading a lot of your stuff lately and thinking about the respect issue.