Limerence and My Situation 2

[25yearsmlc]

From Swingers

Mike:
Okay, so what if I don't want to give up on her?

Rob:
You don't call.

Mike:
But you said I don't call if I wanted to give up on her.

Rob:
Right.

Mike:
So I don't call either way?

Rob:
Right.

Mike:
So what's the difference?

Rob:
There is no difference right now. See, Mike, the only difference between giving up and not giving up is if you take her back when she wants to come back. But you can't do anything to make her want to come back. In fact, you can only do stuff to make her not want to come back.

Mike:
So the only difference is if I forget about her or just pretend to forget about her?

Rob:
Right.

Mike:
Well that [censored].

Rob:
Yeah, it [censored].

Mike:
So it's just like a retroactive decision, then? I mean I could, like, forget about her and then when she comes back make like I just pretended to forget about her?

Rob:
Right. Although probably more likely the opposite.

Mike:
What do you mean?

Rob:
I mean at first you're going to pretend to forget about her, you'll not call her, I don't know, whatever... but then eventually, you really will forget about her.

Mike:
Well what if she comes back first?

Rob:
Mmmm... see, that's the thing, is somehow they know not to come back until you really forget.

Mike:
There's the rub.

Rob:
There's the rub.

^^^ must go on the "detachment" list.

[Parkema]

Hello All,

Seems quite an apt time to post an update given where the thread as gone to.

Last night I agreed to pick my S10 up from his school disco and take him back to the family home. One of the boundaries I have put in place is that I NEVER come into contact with the AP/LO for obvious reasons, anyway whilst I was dropping him off I noticed two soccer (football to us in the UK) trophies on the window ledge. Now whilst I was there all of my trophies ended up in the shed (not enough room to display) BUT could have displayed the really important one's!

Unfortunately I took offence at this and it all kicked off with all of the DR'ing and strategies thrown out of the window. Everything that I know we shouldn't do I did and I'm so disappointed in myself.

The crux of it was for my WW and myself talking about no contact at all which I instigated and so now I will no longer have any contact with her. Also due to me GALing better she got it into her head that I was seeing someone, I never confirmed or denied this and charged neutral at this point.

As you can imagine this is TOTALLY different to how I would want to handle this situation but as I mentioned before I knew it would evolve as darker days had to be prepared for.
I will continue to do what I have done and see this episode as a bad day at the office BUT will stay true to the words I said last night and totally detach from her and manage the visitation issues as best I can.

Thanks for reading and take care.

Mark.

[Btrow]

Good to see you back parkema, thought you had abandoned the board. Just continue to vent here. Even if you don't agree on the advice given to you.

We all screw up occasionally cause we are action on emotions. And those are hard to control. But to quote one of the legends here on screwing up: "get up, dust yourself off, move forward"

[SJW]

Hi Mark

Hope you're OK. We all have bad days and are sometimes pushed to places we don't want to go but you're right pick yourself up dust yourself down and get back to it.

Take care
SJ

[Parkema]

Hi SJ

thanks, it amazed me how this turned out I thought I was better than this but what I saw hit a nerve.. I basically dropped my boy off and she knew I'd be at the door and there they were she knew I'd see them!

Like my report card said "must try harder".

I hope you're coping well and thanks for your response..

Take care.

Mark..

[SJW]

Hey hun

Not sure if you've had time to catch up on my post but I absolutely lost the plot last Friday night and I mean the whole screaming banshee, throwing clothes out of the wardrobe, throwing cases at him then broke down into a quivering mess as he left. No good and I'm not proud but my God did he press my buttons that night. This is an on going uphill battle but with the support here and friends and focusing on ourselves and our kids we can do this and we will come out on top with or without them.

SJ

[AnotherStander]

anyway whilst I was dropping him off I noticed two soccer (football to us in the UK) trophies on the window ledge. Now whilst I was there all of my trophies ended up in the shed (not enough room to display) BUT could have displayed the really important one's!

So I'm assuming these are OM's trophies? Well that was a jerk move on her part for sure. It's amazing how things the WAS found fault with in the LBS are no problem at all when it comes to the OP who can seemingly do no wrong. Anyway, sorry it triggers the dust-up but all you can do is learn from it and move forward!

The crux of it was for my WW and myself talking about no contact at all which I instigated and so now I will no longer have any contact with her.

That's really what you both need anyway- some time and space. Sometimes something like this has to happen before we finally "get it" and detach.

Also due to me GALing better she got it into her head that I was seeing someone, I never confirmed or denied this and charged neutral at this point.

Huh, that's strange. Probably gaslighting.

I will continue to do what I have done and see this episode as a bad day at the office BUT will stay true to the words I said last night and totally detach from her and manage the visitation issues as best I can.

Great attitude!

[Parkema]

Hi SJ

I understand these people who are no longer the person you fell for can be masters of manipulation and as you say know exactly how to bring out the worst in us. I know you'll show him what an idiot he is when he sees you going out enjoying yourself and this for me is key.

I started somewhat centred on my WW but as time goes on and the situation evolves I'm getting more and more focuses on me and my boys just enjoying being with them and getting out.

Eventually our WS will start to see their AP/LO for what they really are but by then will it be too late..?

I'm going to continue to fight for my marriage and my W because I love her as much as I ever have and don't want anybody to say to me I didn't try everything to save my marriage BUT will continue to get out and enjoy myself.
GAL
No contact unless she initiates.
Work on myself P.I.E.S
No pursuing

But again I will always show her at every opportunity that I'm her friend and a safe place IF she needs it which she will when their world comes crashing down..

Look after yourself I'm here for you.

Mark.

[Parkema]

Thanks AS,

Disappointed I lowered myself. It will be interesting how long she'll stay away but it's stopped the cake eating and now she has to rely on the AP for all of her emotional needs where I feel she was getting from me to a degree.

Don't get me wrong I'll always be there for her and talk like a friend and continue to be her safe place BUT feel the detaching as been stepped up a notch and looking forward will make dealing with each day a little easier knowing that there MUST be a reason for her to come to me whether it be temperature checking or the start of any reconciliation.

It will be hard as there will always be some contact when drop off pick ups happen but these will only be a matter of seconds now instead of minutes.

What sticks with me are those trophies taking pride of place in MY house unbelievable and its only been 7-months!

Thanks for the continued support.

Mark.

[SJW]

Hi Mark

Your W sounds very similar to my H although further down the line and they do like to feel that they've got you hanging in the wings. Sounds like you're doing really good. Ok you had a blip but you picked yourself up, put it down to experience and got back on the bike. How old are you kids? Did I read that you ride motorbikes?

SJ