Here again part 9

[T384]

Thank you Maybell.

I'm so glad to hear that you are doing wel and have found happiness.

Thank you for the hope on the other end. It's just what I needed to read. I really don't know anymore. I believe H is a good guy with problems. He is always willing to go out of his way to do for others BUT the problem is that when he is like this toward me he puts others ahead of our family. So I just don't know.

He didn't get in until 1030 last night. I had typed a text out that it was late and not to worry about coming but then decided to just leave it be and let him do what he wants. My mom saw him driving with furniture in the back of his truck. She works out right where he just got a storage unit. So I guess him helping someone move was to get furniture for himself which is why he got the storage unit.

The baby screamed bloody murder off and on from 1115-1245. My older two boys were in here too. H just stood next to the bed. Didn't offer to take the baby or anything. I ended up giving him the baby and he screamed worse. H just sat there and said he needs to get over crying like this and just cry himself to sleep. Then he screamed at S6 and made him go in his room he shut the lights off and closed the door because S6 was trying to comfort the baby and H said he was making it worse. At that moment I said H do not do that to S6 he is trying to help... then S9 started crying because of S6 being closed in his room alone.

It was a mess. I told H it was unfair to do that to S6 when he was trying to help. Hell these boys help me more every night than H and I'll be damned if he thinks he's going to show up here for an hour to cause more crying and stress. I don't need him upsetting the kids because of his bad mood and inability to have patience with a crying baby. Hell he hasn't seen the baby since Monday you'd think he could
Deal with him for 15 minutes.

Anyway - he doesn't talk to me when he's here. He is so cold and treats me worse than a stranger. My dad said it's just because he has moved on to someone else and has replaced me and shut me out and that I just remind him of the life he is trying to get away from.

I don't think I want him to stay here anymore. It serves no purpose. He doesn't help and adds more stress. I'm going to give it til after all my assignments like I said but I think it's time we have a talk about planning a schedule. I can do this just fine on my own. Ya I'll be tired but it's better then seeing my. Boys be yelled at for trying to stroke their baby brothers back and sing to him.

[cadence]

I told H it was unfair to do that to S6 when he was trying to help.

T0, this is a trap that I'd like to bring your attention toward.

For better or for worse, H is the kids' father. You need to not micromanage his parenting decisions like this. Step out. He's their father, and you are equal as parents.

When H is in charge at your house, H is in charge. Step back and let him make the decisions, for better or for worse. Also let him handle the consequences of his decisions. Kids might come running to you to try to get you to overrule their dad and it's important that you not fall into that trap.

To do otherwise is yet another trap where H can say he can't do anything right. And, putting this in perspective, this isn't abuse. Your kids are going to be just fine in spite of any temporary hurt feelings!

Sorry for the drive-by advice, and focus on the negative, but I don't have much time!

[25yearsmlc]

what Cadence said

and please, God bless your dad - but can he keep talk of OW's to himself? Especially since it's just his surmising.

Good grief, I see no value in that. It's just so painful and raw.

As for what good it does to have your h there, 1) he's the boy's dad so he gets to see them, in someone's home, yours are his

2) your h needs to learn the ways of each baby, and I would be surprised if he'd let the infant cry if you were not around watching.


3) I think there is value in having an adult presence around, at least to me when i had newborns b/c I (hormonally?) always had a semi irrational fear of a fire or burglar or something I would not be able to manage with a toddler and a baby, and no help.

ugh

I hope you will read Maybel's post again

[BluWave]

TO, I follow your sitch because your pain is so palpable, it breaks my heart, and I wish I had more to offer. I can't go back in time, but during my post-BD when my H was off with OW, I should have posted here and asked for support/advice. You have the strongest posters here in your corner--please just try and take it in. I know it's hard when you are so devastated and fearful. I remember the raw emotions and hopelessness like it was yesterday.

I heard a podcast recently--it is a radioshow about relationships--and they discussed the increase in male infidelity when a woman is pregnant or has young children. The takehome messages that I got were: 1. it is the hardest and most vulnerable time for women because their entire focus (biologically as well) is to protect their nest. 2. Men may feel threatened by the loss of attention, as W has to (of course) take care of children, 3. Men have an increased fear of losing control of their life/future and more impulses to flee.

Not saying that any of that makes a difference to you, because it hurts all the same, but I share it in hopes that you will see that this is HIS process and inability to cope. You do not have to change or be perfect for him. He fell in love with you and married you because of who YOU are. Not everyone can handle M and the obstacles that come over time, and unfortunately he is showing you he cannot, but this is not a reflection of you. Your behavior and choices are the reflection of you. I couldn't see that back then but I see it clearly now.

I see you spinning and asking the same questions. You don't quite seem to know what to do or how to act around him. I struggled terribly to DB around my H and we had to see each other often because of the kids. There were two things that helped me not show him my emotional/infuriated self and that guided my actions. The first was being the good neighbor and the second was pretending we have been amicably divorced for several years.

So I allowed myself to pretend that I was one of these two things whenever I saw him or had to interact with him. In both of those Rs--with a neighbor or XH--it would be appropriate to be matter of fact, polite, and detached in interactions. If it's not something you can imagine someone doing or saying with the neighbor, then don't do or say it. It feels unnatural and takes some acting skills, but it does get easier with practice. ... It also started to confuse him (or so I thought) because he could no longer get in my head....

Blu

[T384]

Thanks all. I will say I never undermined H if he said no and then the kids came to me. They actually do that quite often. I was upset last night because the boys were being sweet and trying to help and he snapped at them. The mama bear came in place because these boys are the ones rocking the baby getting diapers clothes etc to help me now that H is gone.

Hi Blu.

Thanks for reaching out. We were def set up for fIlure in the sense of me being heavily pregnant working and school I was gone 60+ hours a week And add H buying flowers for someone else and being distant and it was a disaster. I seeALL of that.

Like I said I don't think he is well was physically intimate with someone but I definitely think someone was stroking his ego when I wasn't. I'm confused. Y him one day asking about my day then the next acting as if I don't exist. I know it doesn't matter. Every patient I see today is divorced on AD and just miserable. It makes me want to cry that that's where I'm heading ang I just want to grab on and not let go. DONT WORRY I'm not doing that lol but it's what my heart is telling me to do. My brain says come here and get yelled at for those feelings lol.

He told me he wants me to be myself and do what I want to do and not ask him for permission. Well that was right before he left. So then I wonder should I text every so often have a nice day or how's your day since he felt I never cared about him. This is my mind going through all of that just because last week was the first time he's asked about my day in over 3 months. I know drop the rope ...

It'll happen eventually

I just hope you guys understand my feelings instead of getting mad at me. I am listening. I feel like my heart and brain are pulling me in different directions.

[Maybell]

When my children were infants their dad was traveling for weeks at a time for work. We lived in California earthquake country when I had three under 6 and I had to be ready to shelter in place without food, water, or emergency services at any moment. Even when Mr. Fantastic was in town he *never* got up to help with crying children, change a wet bed, etc. There were nights all three of them were vomiting and he never got out of bed at all. I was a single mom before I knew I was a single mom. If I'd heard a noise or a fire had broken out, I'd have handled that too, and he would have stood around asking me if I wanted him to call 911 (probably as my daughter was actually dialing). Twice I walked in on attempted break-ins and when I called to tell him he told me I was interrupting him at work and he never even asked if I was ok. Shortly after D-Day my car was totaled on the freeway with my children in it (not my fault and nobody really hurt) and when I called to tell him he said that was lucky, now I could get a new car, and that he had to get back to his meeting. Never once did he ask if we were OK, if the kids were freaked out, whatever. Way too absorbed in himself.

Well, based on that rant I apparently still have some anger issues. Sorry to dump them on your thread.

My point is, we are mightier than we know. Babies in the house or not, you've already been doing this on your own. If he wants the kids, you don't have to be around to witness it. Set up a schedule and let him actually take them so you can get uninterrupted sleep and study time on a predictable basis. If you've got the kids, you already know how to deal with it, and clearly your boys are ready to step in and help. Your H can be their dad, but he doesn't have to be their dad on your time if he's not helping.



And T, I do understand your feelings. I was there. It's so confusing.

The thing is, do YOU want to be married to this unpredictable, unreliable, grumpy man? A marriage is a commitment to be one another's rock. Will you ever be able to see him as your rock, ever again? If he came back to you right now, would you be able to believe him? Would you want to trust yourself to him?

If the answer is no, then focus your energy on dropping that rope.

I know there are people here who are encouraging you to hold on to your marriage. I remember your first go-around here, and I'm sad to see you on round two. I'm not going to encourage you to hang on. Enough is enough!!

People are on ADs for all kinds of reasons. Not just because of divorce. FWIW, I was never on ADs, though I was offered them. I decided the pain I felt was appropriate to my circumstances and that I should just figure out how to cope with it. So just because you see lots of depressed patients doesn't mean that the natural consequence of divorce is lifelong depression and medication.

There will come a moment when your head and your heart pull in the same direction, and when that happens, you'll be on your way to OK. Until then, just keep processing here. It's helpful. You are entitled to your feelings. You've been through a TON and you are going through a ton. I'm pulling for you, T, you're one strong lady.

[Holding]

There were two things that helped me not show him my emotional/infuriated self and that guided my actions. The first was being the good neighbor and the second was pretending we have been amicably divorced for several years.

So I allowed myself to pretend that I was one of these two things whenever I saw him or had to interact with him. In both of those Rs--with a neighbor or XH--it would be appropriate to be matter of fact, polite, and detached in interactions. If it's not something you can imagine someone doing or saying with the neighbor, then don't do or say it. It feels unnatural and takes some acting skills, but it does get easier with practice. ... It also started to confuse him (or so I thought) because he could no longer get in my head....

Blu

Excellent advice, Blu! Bravo!

[T384]

Hi Maybell,

Thank you for taking the time to talk me down from the ledge You're right I don't want to be married to THIS man, I want to be married to the man I know he CAN be. But he has to take his journey. I'm sorry your H was so terrible. My H was someone I could count on WHEN things were good. he was great to me when our older boys were born. He had been great to me after we R this last time. Like I said it was just up until this year around February when things changed. I'm working on letting go of what WAS because it isn't what IS.

But I would be lying if I said I didn't want to FIX this. I know I have said so many times I have to feel like I'm doing something. Even though doing nothing is something I feel like I'm just pushing him away further by doing nothing. Trying to tell myself that isn't true. Me distancing has moved him further away. He hasn't asked about my day or anything related to me.

I am going out tonight. H told me he was working late then sent me a text he wasn't working late and was coming by to see the boys. So one of the physicians I work with is staying at her condo and she wanted the kids and I to come over, she hasn't seen the baby yet and recently had a baby as well. But I told her lets leave the kids and meet for a drink! So I'll get dressed up again and be on my way. Ugh I have so much homework this is the last thing I should be doing but oh well.

Does H not even care that I get dressed up and go out? Does nothing I do even get to him? Is it really true that he just doesn't love me or care about me like a switch. I'm not sure my heart is ready to accept all of that. I remember last time I started doing this he started showing interest but now he could careless.

[cadence]

Me distancing has moved him further away. He hasn't asked about my day or anything related to me.

I disagree. You still seem to be expecting some sort of quick fix. Consistent distancing will see results. A week isn't consistent enough for him to trust, especially when you've got a history of it only being a matter of time until you're bringing up R talks. That tendency means that you've got to work extra hard and extra long to show consistency.

So I'll get dressed up again and be on my way.

Good!

Does H not even care that I get dressed up and go out? Does nothing I do even get to him? Is it really true that he just doesn't love me or care about me like a switch. I'm not sure my heart is ready to accept all of that. I remember last time I started doing this he started showing interest but now he could careless.

T0, if your feelings for someone were buried, how would you act? If you were depressed and pushing someone away, how would you feel about him getting dressed up and going out?

You probably wouldn't feel much. Or you'd say "Good, this makes me feel less guilty."

But, again, what you are going for is going to take time. Change isn't going to happen in the short term. You know that, T0.

How about a mantra? "I'm okay just as I am. I feel like I need H to be happy, to be complete, but that's just my brain and my habits. It's not real. I'm okay, even if we're not together. I'd rather try with him, but if I can't have that, I know I'll still be okay. I'll be more than okay - I'll be happy!"

[cadence]

And, remember, T0 - you're getting dressed up for you, too. You need to find yourself again and have some fun!