Since you've made up your mind then I say go for it. Don't do it half way, go all in. If she responds to grand gestures then make it the grandest. If you accept the potential outcomes of this and plan your strategy/responses either way then you should be ok.
Cali, I kind of agree with the others above, but a little part of me struggles with doing the same thing you are doing, so I'm SO going to be watching to see how this goes for you. Please, either way, let us know. Right now I'm so much more detached from my H and the outcome of our M, that I'm not tempted at all to surprise visit him 1000 miles away, but I have seriously considered it on occasion, when I just didn't think I could live in limbo any more. I've even had some of my loved ones advise me to do it, although my IC said DO NOT just show up unannounced.
I will be praying for you to have no expectations, the strength and grace you need if things go badly, and the courage to truly just admit defeat if that happens and escape with your head held high and your dignity intact. BUT, things could also go great! Please, please, update! And best of luck. I've followed you from the beginning and I've seen your struggle. I know you'll be fine either way.
Leahsue, there has been one thing I haven't done at all with my wife and that is show much emotion before or now. It used to really bother her it seems and she would say "nothing ever bothers you". It was always said in an irritating way too. I haven't once pleaded, begged or cried over what my wife has done and is doing. There has been a common theme among what my family and friends that know me and my wife well, that maybe my wife needs to see a little emotion out of me.
The first time I went to see my wife was only because my ticket was bought and paid for to go work at Ft Bragg, NC and I drove to see her when I had a weekend off and not because I was there out of my own effort to see her. I used to plan everything we did around my work schedule in that way and she would complain about that. This is the first time I will not be making the effort and taking the time to go see her on my own dime and time. That is a definite 180 for me and not what everyone else thinks. 180's are all about doing what you know is exactly different then what your previous behavior was and believe me when I tell you that this is not what I would or really want to do.
No worries about me being disappointed and or even telling everyone I was wrong with what happens. I am throwing caution to the wind with this one and doing something that is way out of the norm for me to do. The one thing that has lead me through this whole ordeal with my wife has been being overly cautious and not wanting to take to big of a risk. Some of the stories I read just the other night in the DR book where exactly about that. It's a matter of fact that Michelle the DBing goddess herself spoke of her own experiences with this. Some of the stories talked about how things wouldn't have even changed if they just didn't do what she feared. One story in particular stood out to me. It was about about guy who was walking on eggshells around his wife because he was so afraid he would upset her and drive her to finally leaving him. He finally threw that out the door because he had enough of how she was acting and did the exact opposite of what he was doing.
My head is always held high in winning or defeat and this is something that I truly understand because it's something that I have been doing since a very young age, so no worries there.
Since you've made up your mind then I say go for it. Don't do it half way, go all in. If she responds to grand gestures then make it the grandest. If you accept the potential outcomes of this and plan your strategy/responses either way then you should be ok.
Im not sure what you mean by grand gestures because I am not thinking of showing up with flowers, a guitar, a microphone and speaker and putting on a show. Haha! I am just going to be there in town and if she can't stand the sight or me and really doesn't want to spend time with me then so be it and I will hang out of my friend the whole time. I'm not afraid to walk away and I never have been, but I will not be the one who actually puts up the divorce papers.
I plan on showing up dressed nice and asking her to come get some lunch with me and get out and enjoy the day. I know she has been spending the majority of her time in the house doing nothing, but mainly reading.
Im not sure what you mean by grand gestures because I am not thinking of showing up with flowers, a guitar, a microphone and speaker and putting on a show. Haha! I am just going to be there in town and if she can't stand the sight or me and really doesn't want to spend time with me then so be it and I will hang out of my friend the whole time. I'm not afraid to walk away and I never have been, but I will not be the one who actually puts up the divorce papers.
I plan on showing up dressed nice and asking her to come get some lunch with me and get out and enjoy the day. I know she has been spending the majority of her time in the house doing nothing, but mainly reading.
Sounds like you have a plan. I hope it works out even better than you hope. Have a great trip!
Im not sure what you mean by grand gestures because I am not thinking of showing up with flowers, a guitar, a microphone and speaker and putting on a show. Haha! I am just going to be there in town and if she can't stand the sight or me and really doesn't want to spend time with me then so be it and I will hang out of my friend the whole time. I'm not afraid to walk away and I never have been, but I will not be the one who actually puts up the divorce papers.
I plan on showing up dressed nice and asking her to come get some lunch with me and get out and enjoy the day. I know she has been spending the majority of her time in the house doing nothing, but mainly reading.
Sounds like you have a plan. I hope it works out even better than you hope. Have a great trip!
Thanks for the encouragement! I plan on having fun either way, no reason to waste my time when I am there.
I said I have no expectations of it, but me saying that obviously means nothing. Why is it that I can say one thing and everyone is fine and believes what I am saying, but when I say something else I don't actually mean it?
A lot of us hear ourselves in your comments, so we're trying to help you understand the dynamics of your sitch that you can't see because you're in the middle of it. We've all talked ourselves into doing the wrong things, and come here trying to convince everyone that our sitch is different or it's a 180 for us personally. I know full well that you THINK this is the right thing to do. You are wrong and we're trying to help you see that. We've already seen this type of thing play out and it never goes like the LBS hopes, even when they say they have no expectations.
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Come on, when I say I don't have expectations of the outcome I really don't.
You're hoping it will help your sitch, I mean why would you go if you didn't?
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It's a matter of fact that she talked specifically about the fact that I talk to her so sparingly now. She thinks that I put everything before her and the last thing she will expect is me showing up to see her. I know this kind of action would have thrilled her months ago and before she left.
Do you read Sandi's posts much? Your W is in justification mode right now. She's going to tell people everything you did wrong and a whole lot of things you probably didn't do wrong to justify the D. This DOES NOT mean that she wants you to do those things now, she doesn't. This is where a lot of LBS's get confused. Sandi just posted something about this, about how LBS's try to become "super husbands" and do all the things we were deficient on, and about how it has zero impact on the WAS because they are already checked out.
Anyway you're clearly set on going, so I wish you the best of luck. Sometimes we have to do the wrong thing even though everyone warns us, because we are so darned convinced it's -not- wrong. So we have to do it to learn why we should have listened to all the advice
I said I have no expectations of it, but me saying that obviously means nothing. Why is it that I can say one thing and everyone is fine and believes what I am saying, but when I say something else I don't actually mean it?
A lot of us hear ourselves in your comments, so we're trying to help you understand the dynamics of your sitch that you can't see because you're in the middle of it. We've all talked ourselves into doing the wrong things, and come here trying to convince everyone that our sitch is different or it's a 180 for us personally. I know full well that you THINK this is the right thing to do. You are wrong and we're trying to help you see that. We've already seen this type of thing play out and it never goes like the LBS hopes, even when they say they have no expectations.
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Come on, when I say I don't have expectations of the outcome I really don't.
You're hoping it will help your sitch, I mean why would you go if you didn't?
I feel this is where so many of you guys are wrong about me. Seeing yourself in my comments doesn't necessarily mean that you're advising is correct. 25Year mentioned on here that "One size does Not fit all, AND some LBSers should pursue." She also said "I was not among those who said not to pursue. At the start I thought you should have flown out there, and at least offered, sincerely, to quit your job when you could."
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It's a matter of fact that she talked specifically about the fact that I talk to her so sparingly now. She thinks that I put everything before her and the last thing she will expect is me showing up to see her. I know this kind of action would have thrilled her months ago and before she left.
Do you read Sandi's posts much? Your W is in justification mode right now. She's going to tell people everything you did wrong and a whole lot of things you probably didn't do wrong to justify the D. This DOES NOT mean that she wants you to do those things now, she doesn't. This is where a lot of LBS's get confused. Sandi just posted something about this, about how LBS's try to become "super husbands" and do all the things we were deficient on, and about how it has zero impact on the WAS because they are already checked out.
Anyway you're clearly set on going, so I wish you the best of luck. Sometimes we have to do the wrong thing even though everyone warns us, because we are so darned convinced it's -not- wrong. So we have to do it to learn why we should have listened to all the advice
She talked specifically to someone else about those things and not to me. She isn't trying to justify herself to that person at all. It was really early on in the conversation and it was offered up without a question about it. Rather you guys think you know my wife better than me is up to you, but I and others see things differently and trust me when I fill them in with what is told to me here. The advice they give me is taking into consideration from what is said here. I am not going to tip toe around this anymore and I am going to have a face to face with her. Like I said if she can't take it then I will know and I won't bother her after that.
By the way I even started texting her morning and night. I don't care if she responds or not anymore. I text her last night to get some good sleep tonight and you're always in my heart and on my mind. She gave me no reply and I woke up this morning I text her good morning, I woke up thinking about you, to which I got no reply..... until right now as I am typing this, literally right now. She said good afternoon and is asking about my day. Well its doesn't like my text shut her down yet.
I said I have no expectations of it, but me saying that obviously means nothing. Why is it that I can say one thing and everyone is fine and believes what I am saying, but when I say something else I don't actually mean it?
A lot of us hear ourselves in your comments, so we're trying to help you understand the dynamics of your sitch that you can't see because you're in the middle of it. We've all talked ourselves into doing the wrong things, and come here trying to convince everyone that our sitch is different or it's a 180 for us personally. I know full well that you THINK this is the right thing to do. You are wrong and we're trying to help you see that. We've already seen this type of thing play out and it never goes like the LBS hopes, even when they say they have no expectations.
Quote:
Come on, when I say I don't have expectations of the outcome I really don't.
You're hoping it will help your sitch, I mean why would you go if you didn't?
Honestly, speaking for myself, I don't care anymore how she reacts to it, but I must put effort so I know that I didn't sit back and let things slip through my fingers. So yeah, for myself or whatever you want to think it is for. Isn't the whole point of DBing all about you? My life hasn't come to a stop because of this and I very much still have a full life, so DBing for me isn't about getting a life. It's about giving myself knowledge about the whole process. I really don't get the whole idea of "You're hoping it will help your sitch" I mean who isn't here hoping that there sitch doesn't get better. I understand the whole idea of not dwelling on it, but I am good in that department and I realize life goes on. I have never had an issue of crying over spilled milk so to speak, obviously this is much more than spilled milk, but none the less life will go on.
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It's a matter of fact that she talked specifically about the fact that I talk to her so sparingly now. She thinks that I put everything before her and the last thing she will expect is me showing up to see her. I know this kind of action would have thrilled her months ago and before she left.
Do you read Sandi's posts much? Your W is in justification mode right now. She's going to tell people everything you did wrong and a whole lot of things you probably didn't do wrong to justify the D. This DOES NOT mean that she wants you to do those things now, she doesn't. This is where a lot of LBS's get confused. Sandi just posted something about this, about how LBS's try to become "super husbands" and do all the things we were deficient on, and about how it has zero impact on the WAS because they are already checked out.
Anyway you're clearly set on going, so I wish you the best of luck. Sometimes we have to do the wrong thing even though everyone warns us, because we are so darned convinced it's -not- wrong. So we have to do it to learn why we should have listened to all the advice
Cali, you said you know a lot of people will disagree that's it's the best move, but your doing it anyway.. A few people have told you why they think it's a bad move, but ended up saying wish you luck.
Look, you don't need to get defensive, it's your M and your life, if you want suggestions/help from others who've been through it, we are here.. If you don't want feedback, either don't post it till afterwards or just say I'm doing this, please don't tell me why it's a bad idea.
Your methods are different than the General DB methods, and I personally haven't seen them work, but I hope for your sake they do.. Just tell us what YOU want from us, cause I really don't know if I should support you, or pont out the issues/concerns with what you're doing.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Cali, From a point tonight of really, truly realizing that my M is probably over, then seeing you insist on doing what you think is right (and again, I remind you, I have been SO tempted to do exactly what you are about to do)...... I sincerely wish you the very best, and please post how this turns out, if for no one else than me, b/c I still wonder what would have happened in my sitch if I had done what you are doing. Peace and love to you, no matter the outcome.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
