Dusty, I saw you post in Thornton's thread that you can't disconnect social media... I have to tell you that's not true at all, regardless of your children.
No, you won't get to see those pictures she posts with them at the theme park, or find out about how dance class went, or whatever. Your kids can tell you about dance class. If there are pictures of your kids doing fun stuff, just ASK your W to please give them to you. You both care about your kids, and recognize that the other one does. As long as you're not the kind of people who are going to make their children's lives hell as you divorce, and after, you can agree on this.
Then block her. Everywhere. You don't need to see her newsfeed. You don't need to see her activities. When pics with OM start popping up on FB or wherever, you don't need to see that, either.
but it is so hard to not let them know why she is doing this.
Why IS she doing this? Here is what you posted earlier:
"She blamed me for drinking, having a toxic attitude and being verbally abusive to our kids, which of course none of it is true."
Listen, if you say "kids your mom is having an affair and leaving us, I don't know what's wrong with her but we have to deal with it." Then I promise you they will go straight to your W and day "daddy said..." and then your W will drag out a laundry list of every single thing you've done wrong in the M starting with the above (which you claim isn't true, but dig deeper). Is THAT really what you want, to get into a tit-for-tat exchange with your kids stuck in the middle? I really hope not. Your kids need you and your W to present a united front now more than ever! They need to hear "yes we are having problems, but YOU are the most important thing to us and we want you to know we love you and will do everything we can to make this as easy as we can on you." I think C-nut is right and you're trying to use your kids as weapons. Don't do it, you will gain nothing and lose everything, possibly even the respect of your kids.
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I am so unprepared for the reaction my kids will have, I hate to say but I want them to have a real over the top reaction to sting my WW.
Probably won't happen. My kids were about the ages of yours at BD and they were surprisingly quiet when we gave them the news. They had some minor questions about how visitation was going to work, whether W would have their own rooms for them at her place, but there wasn't the big tearful, emotional reaction I was expecting. In fact there never was. They had followup questions later but I think these days D is so common that kids see it happening to all their friends and just kind of expect it'll happen to them some day as well. Regardless, you're pinning hope for recon in all the wrong places!
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She has yet to suffer any loss in this sitch
If you think this then you need to read DB again, and explore other threads on this forum. We talk about this all the time- the WAS is hurting and in pain. They may not show it outside, but inside they are in complete turmoil.
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Their reaction will be the first loss for her, the next will most likely be when she is out of the MBR or house. I will talk to my lawyer tomorrow to map out my plan.
We all go through this same phase where we think we can "wake up" our WAS, but I'm here to tell you it just doesn't work that way. If you're talking to your L then make sure you're doing it for the right reasons. Don't do it for revenge, don't do it to try to "snap her out of it".
Originally Posted By: dusty70
I said what I said because people are telling my wife that the kids will be fine, there reaction to us talking to them could have a large impact on her, I will not use my kids as a pawn to get back at her.
I can almost guarantee you the talk is not going to have the impact you expect. They are unlikely to turn on W like you think they will. It's not going to be the "wakeup call" for W that you are thinking. Instead of hoping for that, try and think what is the absolute best approach for this talk that will have the least impact on your kids. I think it's for you and W to talk beforehand and decide what you are going to tell the kids, then tell them together. No blaming, just a quiet, peaceful conversation reaffirming your love for the kids and promising them that they will always be the priority to both of you.
AnotherStander, Thanks again for you words. When I read back through your responses it really makes me seem like a bad person. I don't want to be that person, I feel like that is how I used to be before BD, my IC has done wonders with me, I was an angry person with some minor depression issues from childhood. My WAS blamed me for her having a few drinks every night, but I was never verbally or physically abusive towards our kids or her for that matter. I will accept blame for my actions in our marriage that got us to this point. I want to be the best person I can for my kids but right now it is so fresh and hurtful what WAS has done that I want to be vengeful, but I know I can't be that way, that is what she is expecting. Christy sent me a link to an article from Michele about how to talk to the kids when one person wants the divorce so I will be using that as my guide when WW talk about this.
Me 46 WW 43 T25 yrs M20 S16 S13 D11 BD 3/15/17 Filed for D 5/31/17 D 12/2017?
Dusty, it's all spew.. they are hurting, and they want justification for what they are doing, so they spew hatred. That will most likely start dissipating in time.
I went through the same thing, my wife never had a problem sleeping, I didn't sleep for at least 2 weeks after BD (and was months before I slept a full night), she never missed a day of work, I called out at least 20 days the first month and a half.
On top of me not feeling my WW was hurting at all, she was in the middle of the Fire Academy and for the first time in the 8 years we were married I saw a fire in her eyes, she had found a passion for something that I had never seen. So needless to say that made me feel worse.
But I also know that my WW still watches our Wedding Video and balls her eyes out, she still makes comments to mutual friends about our Anniversary, etc.
No, I do not believe that the WW will ever experience the soul crushing pain/fear/scaryness that we have for weeks/months after BD, but they definitely experience heart break, pain, confusion.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
When I read back through your responses it really makes me seem like a bad person. I don't want to be that person, I feel like that is how I used to be before BD, my IC has done wonders with me, I was an angry person with some minor depression issues from childhood.
I relate very much to your sitch, because it's so similar to mine. Frankly I struggled to come up with things to change in myself because like you, I felt like my faults were really pretty minor and didn't explain BD. Honestly to this day I STILL think that. But I did change what I could and tried to be a better person in every way possible. Get this, about 6 months prior to BD my W started crying, I asked her what was wrong and she said "you can't let anything happen to yourself, I could never survive in this world without you!!" I assured her I was fine, but I was touched by her expression of concern (I was not sick or anything at the time, it just kind of came out of nowhere). How do you go from that to wanting to separate in only 6 months? After 20 years of marriage she can't survive without me, but after 20.5 years she can no longer stand to be with me? It's a mystery no one can answer. Anyway I am certainly not saying you are bad or need to beat yourself up, I'm just saying try to be the best you that you can be. That's your one and only path out of this mess. Take her gripes, no matter how minor, and use them as a blueprint to be better in those areas.
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I want to be the best person I can for my kids but right now it is so fresh and hurtful what WAS has done that I want to be vengeful, but I know I can't be that way, that is what she is expecting.
You need to grieve, you're going through something horribly traumatic. Just try to keep the anger out of it. I never felt anger towards W, I was just very, very sad. I felt sad for her, I felt sad for my kids, sad for myself. And I cried enough for everyone of us and about ten thousand other people, LOL! I know now that W was as sad as me, and hurting just as much as me. I was blind to it at the time because of what I was going through. Your W is hurting too, I know it's hard to be sympathetic but she needs that.
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Christy sent me a link to an article from Michele about how to talk to the kids when one person wants the divorce so I will be using that as my guide when WW talk about this.
I know the 180/LRT/and Sandi's rules all state do not snoop or spy on WW but at this point it is so hard to do. Not only is my WW still chatting with her "boyfriend" who lives thousands of miles away I believe she is actively looking for local guys to hook up with. She has never had this character trait, she was for the the most part very conservative except with me. Should I confront her on this or even say anything or just let it go?? As I have said many times I do not want my kids to hurt! If she continues this and they find out how will they deal with this? Has any LBS had to deal with the WW just randomly hooking up during the D?? What to do.
Me 46 WW 43 T25 yrs M20 S16 S13 D11 BD 3/15/17 Filed for D 5/31/17 D 12/2017?
I dare you to make plans with some guy friends and keep the specifics a secret from your wife. Get a new outfit, a new haircut, some new cologne, and make sure she catches sight of you when you're leaving. (If you need to arrange for her to watch the kids, then tell her you have plans and need her to take care of the kids or whatever.) If she asks you where you're going, say "out." If she asks you further questions, just tell her you'll be home before [insert time here]. Smile and tell her not to wait up.
Be mysterious.
And then go out and stay out for a while. Don't call or text W or anything of that nature while you're out.
And make sure you're GAL like this on a regular basis. Specifically, do some manly things. Go pump some iron, rock-climb, shoot pool, etc. Start working on making yourself feel better to counteract the beating you're taking from W.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
Roller coaster ride of emotions!! WW if out of town with friends for the weekend, I think both of us probably needed this right now. She is with business partners who are all women with families and very supportive husbands! When she left she didn't let me know her itinerary which as of now isn't a big deal because I don't really care what she is doing, but my kids wanted to know her flight times and her whereabouts. She did give me the info without me asking and then as the day went along she kept sending me texts with pics as to what she is doing, Why??? To make me jealous?? If we weren't heading for for divorce I would be extremely happy for her, I would let her know this, but... I didn't respond to any of these, I just sent them to the kids so they know what she is doing. The thing that upsets me is that my kids were mad at her for not calling and talking to them, she left a note that she would call and check in with them, then I learned that she was texting AP when she should have been in contact with her children!! This is so unlike her, what has happened to the woman I used to know???
Me 46 WW 43 T25 yrs M20 S16 S13 D11 BD 3/15/17 Filed for D 5/31/17 D 12/2017?
... and then as the day went along she kept sending me texts with pics as to what she is doing, Why??? To make me jealous??
Hey Dusty, my W recently went on a trip and did the same thing, sending me all these pics and updates. I never knew what that was all about. Maybe the important thing is to not give it much thought, and don't let it ruffle your feathers. Hopefully someone with more wisdom than me can give you more guidance.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
With the WW out of town the past 4 days I had a great weekend with my kids. Had a bunch of things planned and they all went really well, love reconnecting with my kids after the BD. Part of my GAL is spending more quality time with the kids, all of them. They will need one of us to be the stable person. As I mentioned in a previous post that my wife was sending me pics about what she was doing on her first day at her retreat, we did not communicate one bit while she was gone. I actually slept better not having her in the bed. The part that kills me is she barely communicated with her own children!! The kids wanted to talk to her, they asked me if I talked to her but she didn't, the kids were/are very upset with her regarding this. I am starting to wonder if she just wants to be single, not sure she even wants the kids in her life as well??? I did check the phone records and she had no problem messaging with her AP. It looks as if she was drunk texting one of the nights with no response from him. Even though I was a little depressed seeing her pics on social media I am coming to the point that I am fine with the MR failing, I hate to say that but I need to be happy for me and the kids, she seems to be OK with what she is doing.
Me 46 WW 43 T25 yrs M20 S16 S13 D11 BD 3/15/17 Filed for D 5/31/17 D 12/2017
