Very happy I stumbled across your thread. I don't have any advice but just a question or two that may be able to help me in my journey.
From a emotional standpoint, we look to be cut from the same cloth. I'm a huge bottler which affected my ability to love. Well love in the traditional sense, of course I love, but I show love by acts of service. Its very hard for me to express emotions and say how I feel. Been like that since a child. I've also had substance abuse issues. I wont get in to to much details bc of the nature of my job. About halfway through my R with my W in 2012-13, I had an accident. For about 9 months I continued with that. It never got extremely bad but I still did it every day and it felt great to escape. Never done it again since the day I got caught by W (GF at time). Have no desire to do it.
I do have a desire to be more transparent with my life and feelings. Anything you did that turned a switch on? Anything small things that led you to better express yourself?
M 1.5 years, her affair was before 1 year T 7 Years
I do have a desire to be more transparent with my life and feelings. Anything you did that turned a switch on? Anything small things that led you to better express yourself?
I think what turned the switch on was the realization of the part I played in the demise of the relationship with my wife. Specifically, a lack of openness. I come from a family of "bottlers". Problems are better swept under the rug, you don't speak up, and you go on doing what you "need to do." I have found that way is not conducive to healthy living. It has hurt my ability to form deep relationships and hurt others who desire to be close to me.
I am not an expert and still am wading in the shallows in terms of emotions and openness. However, I have finally decided to put my feet in the water. I try to feel the emotion just like a wave coming in, letting it wash over me and letting it be pulled back into the sea. I don't run away from the wave to the safety of the sand. I don't try to swim in deep waters I am not yet equipped to handle. Most importantly, I acknowledge the wave is there and it's time with me has a beginning and an end.
That is one thing that has helped, thinking metaphorically related to a scene I can picture or that I understand. Maybe you picture emotion as a cloud passing by over the horizon or a tumbleweed windswept along a dry desert.
Another thing that has helped has been talking to a therapist. I finally found one I can trust and feel comfortable with. He gets paid to listen to me without judgement and provide insight. It has created an environment where I feel safe opening up. That has spilled over into my personal life. I have been more open with my wife with everything except matters of our relationship. She has noticed and she has told me she appreciated me sharing how i felt. I leave the relationship talk for my therapist if I can.
Reading has also helped. I highly recommend the book ... If you are not a reader, buy the audiobook and listen on your commute. Reading personal development books have opened my eyes to make some tweaks in my life and to recognize and stop faulty behavior patterns.
You are not responsible for your emotions, you are responsible for how you decide to act when you feel them.
I hope some of this helped and I'll post if I cross anything that I think may be helpful.
Last edited by Cristy; 06/29/1705:54 AM. Reason: As stated in our OnLine Community Board Rules, we do not allow recommendations of non-DivorceBusting books / websites / blogs etc
All the BS at work has pretty much blown over. I'm still very angry but will be leaving within the next 1-2 months anyway depending on when the house is sold. Still debating on whether to file a complaint or let it go.
As far as the relationship goes, everything continues to be tame. We still see each other daily. Some days closer than others. I still try to remain detached but it is tough at times. I am starting to pick up more on "temperature checking." For example, she sent me a link to a house to where we were supposed to move. It was quite expensive. I texted her that the house was really nice but nothing that either of us could afford. She replied that if we were buying a house together it would be no problem. I responded "Yes, two people that make our salaries that live together would be able to afford a property like that." Not sure if it translated well over text. I thought it seemed cold on reflection but a lot of detaching feels counter intuitive to what I feel is right.
She has asked about joining her on her trip again. I'm kicking the idea of flying out for a brief stay. She'll be in a conference during the day so i can do some solo exploring and we would go out together at night. I would leave the following morning. I do want to go and I would really like to go out with her. I don't know if it's what I should be doing, but it's what I want.
Meditation has been OK. I get severe "monkey mind" but I am going to stick with it. I've decided to put off skydiving until I move to the new city. I figured it'll be a cool way to see the area and I'll be right by the ocean. Better scenery. I'm going to book it and pay ahead of time.
I also am kicking the idea of trying out a flotation tank, anyone ever tried it. What was your experience? Thanks.
Quick question about Validating and 180. I have been attempting to validate especially when my wife brings up the relationships. One of my 180s is to be accountable when I am wrong and accept responsibility. Last night my wife mentioned that she had wished I would have had the attitude I have now for the past two years when she was trying to make our marriage better. I tried to validate saying. I am sorry you fell that way. I imagine it's really frustrating putting hard work in and not seeing the results you would like. It received a lukewarm reception, not the worst thing in the world. If I stayed true to my 180, I would acknowledge that I did not consistently put in the work to make our marriage better (I didn't) and I am fully accountable for where we are (also true).
I don't know if anyone could shed some wisdom. Both are true statements and how I feel. Sometimes, when I validate I feel like I sound like a greeting card and I'm not sure it comes off as being authentic.
The problem is that making apologies and being accountable for your shortcomings just provides more fuel for your wife's fire. There's a time for that, but for now, it time to shrug your shoulders and get out and GAL. Hasta la vista babeee...
Last night my wife mentioned that she had wished I would have had the attitude I have now for the past two years when she was trying to make our marriage better. I tried to validate saying. I am sorry you fell that way. I imagine it's really frustrating putting hard work in and not seeing the results you would like.
Excellent!! That's great validation!
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It received a lukewarm reception, not the worst thing in the world.
Of course it did, because it's a new 180. She's not used to it and won't believe it's genuine at first. Just be careful not to do it for a reaction. Quit gauging her reactions to everything because THAT makes it seem like it's not genuine.
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If I stayed true to my 180, I would acknowledge that I did not consistently put in the work to make our marriage better (I didn't) and I am fully accountable for where we are (also true).
That's not validation though, that's an apology. Have you already apologized to her for the things you did wrong? If so then don't keep apologizing for the same stuff over and over again.
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Sometimes, when I validate I feel like I sound like a greeting card and I'm not sure it comes off as being authentic.
That's because you're not used to it. But it works, and eventually it'll feel more natural to you. Just keep working at it, you're doing great! If you feel like you keep offering the same validation statements all the time, then look for good examples to give you ideas of how to expand your validation vocabulary. Read through this thread for some ideas:
I'm really struggling tonight. Earlier tonight, I found out my best friend, someone who has been close to me since childhood, died suddenly today at 37. He passed out and was unable to be revived. I am in shock. I am numb. I can't believe what I have heard. My friends and family just left and it is quiet now. It feels too much too handle. Eerily familiar to past circumstances. Going to listen to Do You Realize a 100x, work out, do some writing,and hopefully be able to rest. I'll check back tomorrow when I can get my thoughts together better. Just can't believe this [censored].
I'm really struggling tonight. Earlier tonight, I found out my best friend, someone who has been close to me since childhood, died suddenly today at 37. He passed out and was unable to be revived. I am in shock. I am numb. I can't believe what I have heard. My friends and family just left and it is quiet now. It feels too much too handle. Eerily familiar to past circumstances. Going to listen to Do You Realize a 100x, work out, do some writing,and hopefully be able to rest. I'll check back tomorrow when I can get my thoughts together better. Just can't believe this [censored].
Really sorry to hear that! Take as much time as you need, let the grief happen, don't try to bury it!
My friend's death still feels unreal. I only started to reconnect with him more because of the advice to GAL. I put a lot of my friendships on the back burner for my family and MR. I'm grateful I did get some more time with him recently that i would have not have had otherwise.
These have been some tough times, but I will persevere and come out the other end. Thanks to everyone.
My friend's death still feels unreal. I only started to reconnect with him more because of the advice to GAL. I put a lot of my friendships on the back burner for my family and MR. I'm grateful I did get some more time with him recently that i would have not have had otherwise.
These have been some tough times, but I will persevere and come out the other end. Thanks to everyone.
Hello cdubbs,
Please accept my most sincere sympathies. I'm so sorry about the death of your friend.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
