You're angry Tread, I get it... Let your anger out on me, but let that anger out before you make decisions that affect your kids. I wish I remembered the screen names of those who told their kids and then regretted it so I could link them for you, but it's been months since I've read them. I do remember one that incited that anger in his child, in fact so angry that the child assaulted his mother.
Then guess what happened, they reconciled, and not only did they have to work on piecing, but they also had to work on the fact that the son hated his mother.
It is your child, your family, your life and you get to make whatever decision you want. But I'm suggesting that it may make things worse, worse for your Son, worse for your sitch, and is not something you should take lightly.
I'll let others speak to the likeliness of a judge preventing your WW from having OM around kids, but my understanding is that is not likely to happen, especially if they move in together.
Whatever you decide, just make that decision with an understanding that your son getting angry at your WW isn't going to make her stop, but will be another barrier to a possible reconciliation.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
I'm not upset with you. And seriously get where your coming from. It's going to be awhile before I come to any decision. But I refuse to have OM be around my S13 trying to be slick as if he just showed up in the picture. S13 would hate me if he ever found out I allowed that to happen. W already told him that she cheated, S13 just has no clue who it is.
Good, I want him to be mad and dislike the man who threatened the life of his father. And if his mother chooses to lay up with a man who threatened me harm, then she will have to deal with the consequences.
Tread, back when I was your S's age my mom left my dad and my dad tried to use us kids (and me in particular since I was the oldest) as pawns to get revenge on mom. He told me how awful she was for leaving, how she was sleeping with another man, and had to pay the consequences, etc. etc. A lot of the same stuff I hear you saying. Guess what dude, she was my mom and I loved her like all boys love their moms. My dad doing all that crap just made me look at HIM and wonder who this angry, hateful monster was that replaced the dad I knew. To this day I don't look at him the same, especially now that I know that a lot of the reason that mom left was because of HIS behavior towards her. You're going down a very dark path and YOU are the one that will look bad to your S as a result of it.
It has nothing to do with revenge. Not trying to get him to hate his mother, he already knows she cheated. But in my family we consider it highly disrespectful to even associate with a man like this under these circumstances. Nothing to do with revenge, but it's a loyalty thing. That's what I have always taught my son. Lile it was taught to me and my siblings by my parents. I want S13 to love his mother, but he also needs to know that her actions are dead wrong. And that you never accept someone like OM.
Personally I don't think OM will ever leave his W. Didn't do it for the other women he cheated on his W with in the past. And my W will be no different. Odds are S13 will never be introduced OM as a boyfriend. W will simply walk around as if they are just friends.
It has nothing to do with revenge. Not trying to get him to hate his mother, he already knows she cheated. But in my family we consider it highly disrespectful to even associate with a man like this under these circumstances. Nothing to do with revenge, but it's a loyalty thing. That's what I have always taught my son. Lile it was taught to me and my siblings by my parents. I want S13 to love his mother, but he also needs to know that her actions are dead wrong. And that you never accept someone like OM.
Let me ask you...... what if your S decided not to hate this guy? I hope you wouldn't hold anything against him for doing so.
He's a kid. It's a long very complicated story of my dad leaving my mom. My mom was not mentally well. even though all in the same house until I was 17, my dad pretty much raised me. He left when I was 17, and it was never confirmed nor denied that his wife now of 15 years was his A partner. definitely an EA going at least. And my mom knew. And my mom lashed out at me because I still loved my dad as much as I did before, and I spent time with him and his then GF. I can't begin to tell you what this did to me.
I know you are hurt. My daughter's stepmother is the OW. My D9 actually knows what they did. Doesn't understand it fully, but knows. But she loves her dad and she loves her stepmother. And my hope for my daughter is simply that she is loved and never has to feel guilty of having certain feelings.
Please, please, please, don't use your son to how consequences of your W's actions. one person gets hurt in that and it's your son.
I could never hold it against S13 if he chose go not hate OM. Eventually word will spread and I feel that he should hear it from me than my family rumor. Also my W isn't concerned about his feelings, just what trying to cover her own a**, while doing dirt. He has questions and I'm not sure if I want to fall on the sword for my W who clearly doesn't care enough to stop or at least do a better job of not having this constantly commenting on her social media page.
I know W loves the thrill of risking of sneaking around. And making in comments in front of people who habe no clue about the A. If they knew what I knew they would put two and two together. And they would kick her to the curb as a friend. So does someone like that deserve to have me cover for her? Because if I have no answers for S13, then I end up possibly looking worse than W in this situation.
So that's my dilemma, it's not about revenge or handing out consequences on my part. But this is that little thing called karma. And I warned my W months ago that this would happen. And whether or not I should answer or remain silent all S13 questions.
But in my family we consider it highly disrespectful to even associate with a man like this under these circumstances.
That's not just your family, that's everyone, everywhere. No one considers an affair to be respectful behavior. This isn't something you need to teach your son, he knows it. You've even said that he knows it. It really sounds like you are trying to project your anger and hatred of W and OM into your son. Your son knows the A is wrong, but that does NOT mean he needs to hate his mother. Again I'll say that having lived through it myself, if you keep prodding your son he's more likely to resent you for that than W for the A.
Your posts are full of comments about "loyalty", which I get the impression to you is strictly based on whether someone has an affair or not. I hope you understand that to your wife, loyalty means treating her with love, honor and respect. I went back and pulled a few of your comments out of your posts:
"Romance and sex was at an all-time low last year. I was going through a slight depression last year and didn't even realize it."
"Apparently my wife feels that I stopped trying to get to know her."
" I just was going through the routine of the day. I was functioning, but the relationship was being ignored."
"Complacency was my biggest issue and why the marriage took a wrong turn."
All of the above shows that you were not being loyal to your W. I am certainly not saying that an affair on her part was a proper response to this, I detest affairs just as much as you do. But this is exactly the kind of stuff that leads a woman into an affair, because she is trying to find what she's not getting in the M. You are both being disloyal to each other. DB'ing isn't sitting around and blaming your spouse for everything, it's owning your own failings and doing something about them. It's hard work, that's why we have these forums, to help people get on the right track and stay on it.
So does someone like that deserve to have me cover for her?
But this is that little thing called karma. And I warned my W months ago that this would happen.
In my opinion, you have basically three answers when asked about your wife's affair. For example: "Is mom/W having an affair?"
Answer 1 - Yes. I think this is not a great answer, because it immediately looks like you are trying to win 'favor' or recruit. Nobody is going to be like "oh, thats great" when they hear about someone sleeping around. Nobody is going to take the side of the cheater. Frankly, I cant expect anyone to remain neutral. I believe that to any neutral acquaintance that would be considered friends of you and your wife, this is just not a good path as it only builds animosity towards your W. You talk about karam, but THIS path is not karma - this is you instilling your own justice. Answering in this way, in my opinion, is only done as a way to use your anger as a sword to hurt W.
Answer 2 - No. This is you 'covering it up' as you describe above. This is flat out lying to protect W from herself. You talk about treating WW gently or softly a few posts back and how that relates to the 37 rules. I think this is an extremely weak response because it makes you complicit, and in fact, almost makes it as if you are condoning the affair by hiding it.
Answer 3 - Youll have to talk to W. I believe this is the only right answer. Frankly, her affair is none of anyone else's business, and the more you try to make it your business to be the judge and jury, the more harm it does to everyone in the long run. This is neither exposing nor hiding it. I believe this is absolutely not doing W's job of covering anything up. I just dont see any upside in answering any questions about the A with anything besides this.
