Again I thank you for your input but we need to be aware that in the UK WE HAVE TO support the WW if we have children with them WE HAVE NO CHOICE!
"Emotionally support" is part of a process of showing her that I am her best option if her A does come to a conclusion, I'm not saying I go to her and beg, plead or any of that in fact I don't go to her at all. When she initiates a conversation I just stay friendly and basically listen to her in a way I hope she recognises from our days when we were just starting out! Please remember I truly feel people wont give up something to go to something worse.
The whole issue of me validating her when she mentioned that she was doing all the work around the FH was to a degree to outline that this AP/LO is not much of a help to her! Not the kind of person to rely on BUT this is maybe what she likes about him (as sandi2 says not a nice guy) who knows...
"It is here I made the mistake when I said "I thought you were moving anyway", the response was for her to go into asking about the future and how she needed to know the best course of action for her to consolidate all of our debt! I know this is a subject I need to stay away from as the big D word rears it's head." I prefer to stay away from this subject totally and rightly or wrongly try to resolve the problems that I'm facing. But of course I'm not in any control of this I won't file but if and when she does I will then obviously do what's necessary to bring this to a conclusion but as of now I continue to fight for my M.
"This is what I've been trying to tell you all along, all these "strategies" to get her back are just setting yourself up for failure. You're 100% focused on W when you should be focused on YOU. Work on yourself and quit trying so hard to be her best friend. Read "No More Mr. Nice Guy", I think it'll really hit home for you. It's not what the title sounds like, it's more of a look into the "nice guy syndrome" and how most "nice guys" are really quite controlling and manipulative. It was a real eye-opener for me." I have read and re-read Sandi2 posts and understand what she say's but I feel what she is saying has nothing to do with being "manipulative and controlling" nice guys don't do this, I see it more about the lack of respect the WW has due to the BH being there to allow her to wipe her feet on him. Sorry all I've been telling you all along I'm DR'ing as best I can!
1. Moved out of the FH - "You're not making yourself attractive to her. Attractive is strong, confident, independent." how more stronger can I be than to leave my boys at the FH with her? Took great strength, independent..! Not sure you can comment on how confident I am but believe me I have no issues here, how do my posts come across? 2. Detached - Smart contact (SC) no texts, emails or phone calls AT ALL EVER sorry to shout but. 3. GAL - last night Thursday being a perfect example of many since BD and getting better. 4. No pursuing - I never initiate anything at all, I'm there if she wants to talk to me but is all very business like and over in minutes. 5. Cheerleading/Validating - this is only used AFTER she starts the conversation and then only if I feel the R benefits from me doing it.
I continue to work on me FOR ME, I work on my P.I.E.S and be the best me I can. The problem is I L my WW and want to be M to her! But I won't accept what she's doing EVER and if that means the end result is D then so be it.
look I appreciate your concerns for my situation and I truly feel you are wanting to point me in the right direction and I thank you, each day little by little the whole outlook of my situation is changing and I feel the continued journaling as the months go by will highlight this fact. My methods probably will lead me to a very long road that more than likely won't bare the result I want but it's the choice I take. I am listening and trying to implement elements from all of your advice, again I feel as time goes by I will care less about how this ends up because I'll be too busy GAL to notice.
Thank you again and please stay with me.
Mark.
Last edited by Cadet; 06/22/1710:03 PM. Reason: Link
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
You told her you would continue to support her emotionally and financially while she is living in YOUR home with OM.
I am sorry, but I am going to be blunt here. You aren't making yourself look like the best option. They are probably kicking back with a bottle of wine in YOUR home laughing at how you are supporting their lifestyle.
I am sorry, but leaving the family home was not the "strong" option. Unless you had to do it for yourself because you couldn't live with her. You did that because you hoped she would see what a good guy you are by leaving the house and letting her have what she wants.
I know you are trying, but you have a defensive remark regarding everyone's advice trying to prove you are going about this the right way. Listen to what these people are telling you, they are trying to help.
Everyone is free to take the approach to saving their m that they want, and to do their best. I know you are in pain and I'm so sorry that you are.
But your approach is just Not a DivorceBusting approach that you're taking and you're on this site telling us all that it is. That it is all of us who just don't get it. You are not the first DB guy from the UK either.
Anyhow, do as you will. God knows I wish you the best.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
"Emotionally support" is part of a process of showing her that I am her best option if her A does come to a conclusion
I understand, and DBing is all about listening and validating. My comment was specifically about you validating her comments about her home life with OM, just do not ever do that again in the future. You do not want to pander to her when it comes to OM, because that's being a doormat and no one finds a doormat attractive.
Originally Posted By: parkema
but I feel what she is saying has nothing to do with being "manipulative and controlling" nice guys don't do this
I'm a reformed "nice guy" so take it from me, we ARE controlling and manipulative. Heck when I read your posts here you are trying to control and manipulate US!!!! You don't see it, but we do. And this is EXACTLY the problem with "nice guy syndrome"- nice guys are controlling and manipulative but -think- they are not, and they spend all their time trying to convince others that what they are doing is the best course of action (does that sound familiar to you?) They can't break out of their problem because they don't think there is a problem with themselves. Just please, read the book. For me it was like someone held a mirror up and what I saw reflected was not good. I did 180's on that crap, and even now years later I'm still checking myself on that behavior. I have a feeling NGS is a lot of the reason you are here today.
Quote:
1. Moved out of the FH - "You're not making yourself attractive to her. Attractive is strong, confident, independent." how more stronger can I be than to leave my boys at the FH with her?
Let me ask you, if you were on the outside looking in at someone else, and you saw some guy dropping his sons off at his former home with his CURRENT wife and her live-in affair partner, would you say "wow that guy is strong, confident and independent!" Because I would say "wow, that guy needs to grow a pair." I'm frankly a little shocked that would think that THAT is a show of strength to your W! A strong person never would have left the home to begin with. They would have said "W, if you're going to pursue this A then you need to leave." I'm not trying to beat you up over what you've done, just help you see what your approach needs to be in the future.
When I met my W, I worked out, rode motorcycles, played sports, built hot rods, would leave on a moment's notice to ride to the beach for the weekend (called it "gonzo traveling"), went canoing and slept in a tent, etc. THAT was the guy she was attracted to, not some super sensitive father type. When W left me and I turned into a quivering mess, everyone here said "you need to get back in touch with who you once were." I realized I had lost touch with that "rebel" I once was and had turned into a domestic guy mowing the yard, doing laundry, mopping floors, commuting to my white collar job every day. THAT IS NOT ATTRACTIVE. I mean sure, women admire and respect a guy that gets stuff done at home. But what I am saying is that is not the sort of thing that gets them excited, makes them think about you when you're not around, makes them fantasize about you. By the way I did follow everyone's advice and got back in touch with who I once was, but I have the benefit of being older and wiser now so I can be sophisticated, domestic AND a "bad boy". I have a very young, very attractive girlfriend that is nuts about me, and I'm sure a lot of that is because of my changed attitude.
Do you live in the UK? If so you will know that it doesn't matter if she's hitched up with a multi-millionaire I STILL HAVE TO SUPPORT HER FINACIALLY IF CHILDREN ARE INVOLVED.
"I am sorry, but leaving the family home was not the "strong" option. Unless you had to do it for yourself because you couldn't live with her. You did that because you hoped she would see what a good guy you are by leaving the house and letting her have what she wants."
In my previous post you'll see that I could no longer continue to live with her whilst she was in an A due to the mental torture I and my children we being put through (don't dare come between a WW and her AP/LO whilst in phase 1 of limerence - infatuation), this is classic boundary setting - she would not leave so I had to! Unfortunately the UK seems to favour the wife/mother irrelevant of the circumstances but this is slowly changing.
If I'm coming across as defensive I apologise but feel I'm not putting my situation across too well. I'm not saying I strictly adhere to the DR book BUT I continue to manage my situation the best I can.
"You aren't making yourself look like the best option" I disagree, this doesn't really matter anyway due to the fact she ONLY see's her AP/LO at the moment BUT in a previous post you will see other people are seeing my improvements so something is working well. Again I'm not suggesting IF and when she or he come to their senses she will come back to the F and our M BUT I am suggesting I will continue to work on me for me and use the added bonus of me having been the consistent friendly safe place for her to begin again if that's what she wants. We are DB'ing aren't we..?
"I know you are trying, but you have a defensive remark regarding everyone's advice trying to prove you are going about this the right way. Listen to what these people are telling you, they are trying to help." again sorry to be defensive but I have never said my "way" is the right way but the one I choose to adopt, one that is based on DR'ing and the limerent process.
I again appreciate your comments and apologise for being defensive.
Take care.
Mark.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
Ginger is right, I have a friend who recorded conversations between his wife and OM mocking him for roughly the same things you are doing.
I know this $hit is hard as h3ll because you feel like your entire world is crumbling around you.
You think that being supportive and nice is the right think to do, especially if you feel your actions in the marriage pushed her into the affair.
You think that if you show her how much you love her that you will always be there for her that she will come to her senses and say "WTF was I thinking"? Unfortunately, that BS only works in today's movies.
Do you think Clint Eastwood, James Bond or James Dean would say something like that while their wife's were in extremely open affairs?
I understand your point of not wanting to close any doors and being the lighthouse but you can do that while also being firm and communicating that you will not be treated this way.
I will end this with a story in which my best friend who wasn't married but lived with the mother of his two kids had an affair with a woman at work. The woman at work D her husband and dated my friend for 3 years. The minute her ex-husband started to move on with his life and starting dating another woman, my bf's girlfriend left him and went back and remarried her H and they are still married 10 years later.
I have been on these boards for many years, more than my signature says. You actually went and gave an explanation for everything again. That's what I mean by defensive. I can't begin to tell you how many times on here posters say "but I don't think I am putting my situation across clearly" Yes you are. My advice does not change, and if you can see AS posted the same thing I did. Many posters have posted the same thing. I highly doubt we aren't all wrong and seeing things unclearly.
Here, mull over this.... You directly told her you would "emotionally and financially support her" So, if it's the law in the UK, you didn't have to say a thing.......
A wise person once said " listen to understand, not to respond"
Sorry I haven't read all your thread and I would like to before I pass comment. I just wanted you to know I am also in the UK and in the very early stages of similar situation to you (I am the W and my H is in love with another W) and we have two children. He is still living in the house but openly carrying on the A.
As I said it was just to let you know that I am in the UK so on the same time frame I know it can be frustrating here when you want some support but it's the middle of the night in the US.
The only thing I would say is I've been here before 15 years ago that ended in D but it was my choosing in the end and the support I received on this website is what I have to thank for getting me to that point.
Once I've read your thread perhaps we can catch up some more.
SJ
Me 46 H 39 M 11 T 14 S 10 DO 8 ILYBNILWY 11.06.17 Separate rooms 11.06.17 ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17 Kicked H out 23.6.17 H came home 20.8.17
I don't seem to be able to get across how I see my situation and how I'm managing it, sorry my fault, I'm in this to gain my M back. I could go back over all the working on me for me, the detachment, the no contact and the GAL'ing that I'm doing I just don't think what I type is coming across as DR'ing and it saddens me.
I'm going to take some time away to digest these responses to be brutally honest I'm feeling I need to be defensive and that's not the reason I came to these boards.
Take care all I hope the best for you.
Mark.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
