New here to the group. I am 45 and W is 43. Together 17 years, and married 16 in Nov. I will admit we have had our ups, and downs, but over the years we have done well, and have a wonderful 8 year old daughter. About 3 months ago, I started to catch a weird feeling about a guy who was at childrens functions. It seemed he was hanging around my wife a bit too much. He is 38, and divorced less than a year. He has 3 kids, with one around my daughter's age, and they participate in some activities together. As weeks rolled on, I discovered they were "bumping" into each other often, and I started to question my wife why the meetings were so frequent. She said he was just someone who she chatted with, and no big deal. Soon, his daughter slept over at our house, and I found it weird that my wife was sitting on our couch with her arm around his daughter. Several other instances followed that were suspicious. On June 1, I woke up for work, and asked her if everything was all right. Her reply was "I'm done, and I'm seeing a lawyer this week. I asked her if we could work on things, and save our marriage for us, and our daughter. She said no and that she had checked out months ago. She has Walk Away Wife written all over her, and in the last couple of weeks, she has made it very clear she is done. At first, she wanted to use one lawyer, and handle it easily. After her lawyer said it was fine for me to move out of our family home, I retained a lawyer who is a friend of mine, and of course the war begins. Now, we are all in the same house, and it is very uncomfortable. I checked phone records, and found the OG has texted her about 18 times, with 6 of them being photos. When I asked her about it, she gets all goofy and says it's crazy that I'm spying on her. Of course, she denies any wrong doing. I am very saddened that my wife wants out. We have a beautiful home that I built, and a beautiful daughter. We are both well employed and have good friends, and neighbors. We have good times with our daughter, and it's driving me crazy to think my wife wants to give it all up without any professional help. I know in a few months, I will be leaving my home for an apartment, and I won't be putting my daughter to bed every night. I met with my lawyer today, and he advised me to stay in the home, and wait for our first meeting July 19th. When I told my wife this, she came unglued, and demanded I move out. Of course, I told her not until my lawyer says it's OK. It seems to me, my wife wants me out of the house so she can start her new life. I offered her a buyout price to stay in the home, and I feel as soon as I move, she will start seeing this OG. I have had thoughts of calling the OG but not sure if I should. He does know who I am, and I'm sure he would deny anything, but I just want him to know what is happening. I did plenty of persuing the first two weeks, and once in a while I tell her I wish we could fix things, but her answer is the same. Like many of you, this is absolutely killing me. She wants to battle me for time with my daughter, and going after anything that isn't nailed down. Anybody else have experience with this, and willing to share their recovery stories?
Me 45 Her 43 D 8 Together 17 Married 15 1/2 BD 6-1-2017 She filed for D 6-8-2017
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Hi Joel, welcome to our community. Can you give us a short history of the relationship with your W? Which one has the more dominate personality in the MR? Has the bedroom relationship been passionate for each of you, or has it become more like roommates?
The weekends tend to have less traffic on the board, so don't become discouraged if you don't have as many replies as you'd expected. Posting often will keep your thread active and draw others to give you insight and encouragement.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hello and welcome! Your story is oh-so-familiar, you are in good company here! Have you read DB and/ or DR? If not then get them right away. You're probably doing a lot of things wrong and the book will set you on a better path.
Originally Posted By: Joel19
New here to the group. I am 45 and W is 43. Together 17 years, and married 16 in Nov. I will admit we have had our ups, and downs, but over the years we have done well, and have a wonderful 8 year old daughter.
The book will get into this, but your W was more than likely not happy in the M. You thought she was, but she was silently suffering. If you're like most of us you probably weren't nurturing the M, you were probably going through life on autopilot. Resentment was building and you didn't know it. She was quietly planning her escape, so when BD came it was new to YOU but it was the culmination of months or years of suffering for her. This is why she sounds so adamant that she's done. Figure out what you were doing wrong and do 180's on those things. Work on transforming yourself into the "spouse only a fool would leave". And be prepared for it to take a long, long time to resolve your sitch. Most people come here looking for a quick fix, but it took years for your W to get to where she is and it will take months or years to possibly change her mind about the M.
Quote:
I asked her if we could work on things, and save our marriage for us, and our daughter. She said no and that she had checked out months ago.
Quite true. Don't pursue marriage counseling, because she is indeed checked out. You should start counseling yourself though, and think about hiring a DB coach too.
Quote:
After her lawyer said it was fine for me to move out of our family home
Wait, what? Don't you mean it's fine for HER to move? Why would YOU want to move? She's the one that wants out!
Quote:
I checked phone records, and found the OG has texted her about 18 times, with 6 of them being photos. When I asked her about it, she gets all goofy and says it's crazy that I'm spying on her. Of course, she denies any wrong doing.
Well you were snooping/ spying, so she's right. You should stop that, it's just going to make you even more confused and anxious. And it'll drive her further away.
Quote:
I am very saddened that my wife wants out. We have a beautiful home that I built, and a beautiful daughter. We are both well employed and have good friends, and neighbors. We have good times with our daughter, and it's driving me crazy to think my wife wants to give it all up without any professional help.
A lot of men think that way. "We have a great house, nice cars, we go on vacations, why would she leave?" Your W wants to be loved, listened to, respected, emotionally validated. Were you doing those things for her or just going through life "getting the job done"?
Quote:
I know in a few months, I will be leaving my home for an apartment, and I won't be putting my daughter to bed every night.
I'll ask again, why would YOU leave? That was never an option for my W. When she turned WAS I told her "I want you to stay and work on the M, but I understand that is not what you want and I will not stand in your way. If you want to leave then I support your decision." A couple of days later she asked "why do I have to be the one to leave?" I said "because you are the one that wants out of the marriage! You can stay if you want, but only if you're willing to work on the M. I am not going anywhere." There was no way in hell she was leaving me AND kicking me out of my own house! Or my bedroom either for that matter.
Quote:
When I told my wife this, she came unglued, and demanded I move out.
She's hardly in a position to make you do anything. SHE is the one that wants out. She sounds like a little kid throwing a temper tantrum for a piece of candy. Would you give that kid the candy? Of course not.
Quote:
I have had thoughts of calling the OG but not sure if I should.
No, don't do that. Nothing good ever comes of it.
Quote:
Like many of you, this is absolutely killing me. She wants to battle me for time with my daughter, and going after anything that isn't nailed down.
Well it's good you have your own L. Do read DB and start following the techniques in it to work on yourself, but do protect yourself too. Your W can't just have whatever she wants. Also read Sandi's 37 rules and follow them daily!
Sorry you find yourself here. You homework for this weekend: Go out and find a copy of Divorce Busting. Find somewhere quiet and away from your wife to read it.
DO NOT let her see or know about it.
Side note and IANAL: but do not make any commitments, financial decisions, or even discussions without your L.
Right now you just need to focus on YOU, everything else is a distraction.
Me: 43 M: 10y S:15 ILYBINILWY 2/18/13 W moved out 2/18/13 Filed for D: 2/17/13 Got DB: 2/20/13 Got DR: 2/23/13 180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13 D Final Dec '13
We both have pretty dominant personalities. Sometimes that was a problem. Our bedroom life was very good, but after our daughter was born, it slowed down. When our D was old enough for a bed, my wife would lay with her until she fell asleep every night, and that caused a lot of tension because I would be waiting for her until I fell asleep. The last few months, she wouldn't come to bed until midnight or so, and I was already out. Kind of ties together with the OG theory. She blew up at me in front of our daughter today where I had to take her to my Dad's, and I am at wits end. She says her thyroid isn't functioning right, but I'm not sure what to think.
Me 45 Her 43 D 8 Together 17 Married 15 1/2 BD 6-1-2017 She filed for D 6-8-2017
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Sorry to hear what your going through. My suggestion is to follow what AnotherStander has told you. And definitely don't leave that house. If W wants a BD, then she should find her way out the door. And don't for a moment think that you are crazy about suspecting her of having an A with OG. She may have been unhappy for quite sometime. But there is always something that motivates the WS to make that move. And typically its a OM.
Thanks for the advice so far. I'll be picking up DB this weekend. She went out tonight with some "friends". On the way out the door, I told her to have a good time. I'm starting my 180
Me 45 Her 43 D 8 Together 17 Married 15 1/2 BD 6-1-2017 She filed for D 6-8-2017
