Here again part 8

[JujuB]

Hi TO324

We all blame ourselves in the beginning. And I agree with every one here. It is not you. Regardless of if there is another woman, his behavior is wrong. Really wrong. Really, really, really wrong. No mother or child should ever have to go through this.

And its hard to control our emotions and reactions to those behaviors. Because his behaviors affect you and your children. I don't feel like you are controlling. (I do not feel like I was controlling by taking my ex husband to court for not paying child support so that he can spend resources on what I later learned was drugs) Only that you are like that child pointing out the truth from the story "the emperors new clothes".

But no matter what we say or do, people that want to behave badly can and do. We can not appeal to them because they are in this really sick, distorted sense of denial. But What actions right now will protect you? What actions can you make that will make your life easier? That's really all you can do right now. You need to put yourself and your children first and forget about trying to save your marriage. You can still love him, but you need to love your self more. And that means recognizing some one else's bad behaviors torwards you and not continually accepting them.

Walkaways tend to be extremely selfish. If they want back, they will make it happen. There is nothing you can do or not do. They need to want it. So again, protect yourself right now.

Why do you want to save this marriage? Many posters on here struggle with piecing and forgiveness for the first time because they fear their walkaways will do this again in the future. Your walkaway is doing it again. You have been through this before.

I think in the beginning, when we are left it is natural to want what we perceive is being taken away from us. But have you really sat down and reflected whether this is something you actually want? Or is it the panic, the rejection, the feelings of not being good enough that are at work?

You have so much going for you. You are a very loving wife and person. You are young, you have three healthy children, intelligence and a great career.

He does not deserve you. And we need to stop romantacising the walkaway in the name of personal growth. It is self flagellation.

[T384]

Thank you everyone for your words. It really makes me feel better just getting to read advice from each and every one of you.

I'm sitting in my car pumping in the parking lot of the office #reallif

I cycle through good and bad days.

I want to rip his head off for leaving us. I sit here and think. You chose to come back you cried begged pleaded took all my family out to dinner individually to apologize. You cried cried and cried went to counseling I'll never do this again blah blah ilve learned the grass isn't greener. I never want to lose you and the kids. All for what. To bring another innocent life into this to leave AGAIN

NO MATTER WHAT - I know. I don't deserve to be left RIGHT NOW. The baby screamed bloody murder. I told H this is a lot to do alone every night. He didn't say anything. He knows it but he doesn't CARE to be here to help like a man.

Like my dad said - he and H spent So much time talking when he came back. He told H not to come back he said he knew he would do it again. Everyone could be okay if he stuck around for 6 months or so til the baby was older I finished school and he could maybe hold his head saying he made an effort but it just wasn't there.

I have my faults. I know I do. But at the end of the day and 13 years together and giving birth to Our 3 kids I don't deserve to be left to do this alone. Oh great he's giving me money - he thinks that makes it okay.

I have to remind myself of this because it's not what a man husband or father does. People are unhappy everyday. People go through stuff regularly. It doesn't mean you walk out.

The most frustrating part is he's doing so much damage and hurting everyone without a care in the world and I truly believe one day he will regret it and by that point it will be too late.

[T384]

You don't buy someone an expensive truck as a surprise, buy property together, hire an architect to draw plans for our future home and plan to have a baby when you're unhappy. And that is within 12 months from now so it's not like things have been bad for a long time unless he did all of those things out of lies which I don't believe.

How do you go from kissing me saying ILY holding my hand to just keavifnless than 12 hours later.

I'm trying to wrap my head around this. Who is he. Who have I been sharif my life with. I feel so betrayed. I let him back in my life and face him 100 % of myself without looking back just to be hurt all over again.

Why am I not good enough. How can he look at me and think his life will be better without me. How can he care so little for me to see me so hurt and not want to make it better or at least stop hurting me

[Train]

T,

It's what he's getting from OW. Plain and simple. That's the answer to "how." (FWIW I agree with you that it doesn't sound physical; I personally think that's what has stopped him from committing to leave the past couple months. In my experience, a man needs to have it all ... including, in fact *especially*, sex ... to ditch his family. I don't think your H necessarily wanted to physically leave. I feel he was on the fence and the stress from all the R talks/expectations just pushed him over the edge. (Please don't think I mean that like it's your "fault.") I'd bet he's questioning it all, and a lot might depend on the level of commitment of the OW/boss's daughter.

I would make an educated guess that at least 95 percent of the people who end up here are dealing with affairs, sometimes without even realizing it. It's rare for couples to just grow apart over time. Affairs cause similar effects as drugs on a person's mind, too. Google it. That's one reason we can't process our spouses' decisions when they're involved in an affair: it would be like understanding a drug addict who chooses drugs over family.

And just to be clear, I don't think you should "confront" your H about potential-OW or his lying. I think you should make decisions for you and your family, assuming that he *is* having, at the very least, an EA with this woman, and he is lying. Because, well, it's pretty clear that he *is*.

[T384]

I guess that's where my guilt comes in Train.

Did I push him away. Was he on the fence and I made him leave

[sandi2]

I'm trying to wrap my head around this. Who is he. Who have I been sharif my life with.

I don't think you will be able to wrap your head around it. As much as I have tried to explain WW's to the hurting H, it still is beyond their belief and understanding of what happened to the person they fell in love with and married.

It probably will do no good for me to tell you to stop beating up yourself and taking the responsibility for how your H feels. Naturally, you think it must be b/c you aren't good enough and don't measure up to what he wants..........but that does not mean it is true facts. Speaking from the VP of a wayward spouse, I will admit that most waywards blame their feelings and the situation on their spouse. It's b/c the wayward is messed up............not their spouse! Can you accept that your H has a problem? Emotionally, mentally, or morally.......he has a problem and he is choosing to exit this M b/c he sees it as fix-all answer to making him feel better.

You may never know the true reason that started this stuff again. It would probably require him digging deeper and admitting things he doesn't want to face about himself. I don't really think he hates you, but he sees this new life as an easier option. One day he will wake up and realize he did not opt for a better or easier life. When he is the problem, he will repeat the same actions in his new life.

You ask what can you do to save your M. We are trying to tell you, but your emotions are too raw to accept it. There is no action you can do to him that will stop him from going through with his plan. You have to let him go. Drop the rope. That is the option you have left to save your marriage. But ((TO)), you are the one who doesn't want to do what we are saying. You want to do something else. At this point, dropping the rope is the only thing that stands a chance in swaying his heart.

[Train]

Um no. The EA and his stupidity - and his ego - pushed him away.

And who wants a H in the house who is lying about dang near *everything* anyway?! There was no way I could have done it. That's why, as soon as my H shut the door behind him, the locks were changed.

You are still dealing with a LOT of hormones right now, too, T. And I have to believe that's one reason you are clinging so hard to the idea of keeping H around. It's normal, just after you've had a baby, to want an intact family.

But I know this M isn't what you want. And I know you know that you and the boys deserve better.

I truly mean this: the best thing you can do to fight for your M is to not fight at all. You've held that rope so tight for so long that if/when you drop it, H is gonna notice. Which is exactly what needs to be happening.

[Train]

Look there ^^^. Sandi and I cross-posted and were writing very similar pieces of advice at the very same time.

Let go.

[T384]

I know it's mostly this baby that makes me fight so hard. Because I don't want him never growing up knowing what his family together means. Not having all the memories my boys have. I know my hormones are still crazy. I am having hot flashes like crazy then cold anger then crying. One minute wanting to beg him to come back then the next wishing I never met him haha.

What does dropping the rope look like? I struggle between indifference vs coming off like a bitch that he thinks is controlling and punishing him. Last time he acted out and stopped giving me money once I started enforcing boundaries. It was a couple months of hell from him.

I already don't call or text. I only respond to kid messages. When he said goodnight and thanked me for having the boys call I don't respond.

I haven't asked him to do anything or asked about the future but I'm sure I'm radiating wanting him back. I remember Thornton I believe telling me last time that a man can tell when the woman is still pining for him even without saying a word

[bluMorn]

I've read the advice often to treat him as you would a friendly neighbor or acquaintance, and that works for me. Be cheerful and brief, and don't talk about anything too 'deep'. Granted, I don't have small children, let alone a baby, to communicate about. I imagine that makes it harder. The main thing is, don't get yourself too caught up in their responses, and don't let their responses run your life.