Great responses from Vapo and Cadence, that is some awesome stuff! East, I don't really have anything to add other than this brief summary- you're broken, you need to work on YOU and you cannot do that with the distractions of a GF. Leave her be. Leave your wife be too. Time to do the hard work on YOU.
I have to agree with the others. You could have paid $200 and not received such useful advice. What's more East many of us are seeing and saying the same things. Not all of us have been able to write as eloquently as Cadence has but we see it. Can all of us really be wrong and you are correct? This is an easy call. As Cadence said, it's far easier to see this and follow advice for others. It's really hard when it's us.
I also find it telling that your only response is to yet again defend and try to explain it away. If so, what do you hope to take away from here?
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
You're all right about me. I haven't seen clearly. I've been blinded by pain and grief. I have been hasty, and reckless. I disagree with the assessment of my motives, but the consequences of my actions are without doubt.
Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
Leave her be. Leave your wife be too. Time to do the hard work on YOU.
East, please realize we are not dumping on you, we are just lovingly applying 2x4s to your head.
Been there with the 2x4's. Except for 25, I think she used a steel pipe. I still have the scars. It made me mad and pouty. I sulked quite a while, then I took it all in, got my s*** together and FINALLY started working on myself. And I still am. It never really ends.
Just one last thing for me to disagree about. Then I'm done not listening. I'm not ignoring you all. But it's important to me that you understand something:
Originally Posted By: cadence
Her actions are very telling of her character.
I agree 100%. All you know about her is what I've said. Not what she's said, what she did, and when and how she did things. You have fragments of conversation. Not the whole thing.
Her actions speak well of her character, not poorly.
Her actions speak well of her character, not poorly.
So you think dating a married man speaks highly of her character? You're right that we don't know your entire sitch, but what we do know is you are one hard-headed son-of-a-gun. You are determined not to listen to ANYTHING we tell you. I told someone else a few days ago this same thing- all we can do is give you the tools. It's up to you whether to pick them up and use them or not. They're worthless if you leave them lying on the floor like you are doing now.
I dabbled on dating sites for a while after my D. A surprising number of the women's profiles said something along the lines of "do not contact me unless you have been divorced at least 2 years." Those are some smart women.
Doodler, I think he's referring to his GF/rebound situation.
East, all that I said about her is in terms of her as a relationship partner, and I said it because I do want you to be happy. I want whatever your next relationship is - no matter who it is with - to be long lasting and full of love. I don't want more heartbreak for you. And I see a 99.9% of heartbreak and guilt imminent if you continue with her. You do not need that tacked onto what you are already trying to get through regarding your M.
So there is no need to defend her. My comments of her character are in context of how she would be as a relationship partner for you. And her actions thus far show her to not value herself very highly. She also shows signs that she would look to you for her sense of self-worth and as her source of happiness in life.
That doesn't make her a bad person. However, as a long term match for you - who also shows signs of having similar issues as her - it won't work. Right now you see her as a source, but once you are healthier and your ego is built back up (using another person), you will break her heart and you will feel even more awful than you do now.
She is a great short term/rebound, since you feel longing and intensity. However, as everyone who has had a spouse who has longing and intensity for an affair partner knows, those things do not last.
She is not the solution, East. Neither is W. You are. You are your own source of worth, independent of what women think of you. And the only way for you to really and truly believe that is to spend some time on your own with no woman to focus on. This seems to be very scary for you, and that is more evidence that you definitely need to do it. Take a sabbatical from relationships so you can be in a healthier place and make healthier decisions for yourself.
