It is really exhausting reading your answers. I would recommend you reread your threads.
YOU ARE SPINNING. Dude, you are spinning your wheels, making a heluva lot of smoke and going nowhere. The whole forum is talking to you, but you are not hearing. OH, you say you hear us, but the meaning escapes you. I have no problem with people not taking advice, but people not taking advice and then asking what happened... It sound like mocking a true effort from all of the group. I get you dude, I hear you dude, I was you dude, until I stopped trying to stop the hemorrhage with a bandaid. IT WON'T WORK! And the sooner you realize it, the sooner you will be on your way to a way better place which can be described as hell. I was there dude. I am not there any more. And I do not plan on going there anywhere soon.
Now I hope you have came to the realization why you are not ready to date yet. Not nearly ready. And any other pep talk you hive yourself about your GF is just cow patties.
You seriously have to stop and just breathe. Not chase skirts, not trying to rescue anyone, just stop and breathe. You have at least a year's worth of healing to do. I am surprised, shocked even, that no one of the posters and not even you pointed out the elephant in the room. Your 1st marriage imploded, you went out, got a quick fix and guess what, it also imploded and what do you do? You go get yourself another quick fix and then you still wonder WTF went wrong...
I keep hearing from you guys that "broken attracts broken" but that sure as hell sounds like a strong, healthy boundary to me!
Hoo boy. East, I meant to reply to you yesterday after her angry text. I saw you deciding she had a point. I feared you'd go where you are now, and you did. I'm sorry I didn't have time to reply to you.
East. This person dated a man on the rebound, knowing he was the walking wounded. She rushed. She introduced him to her parents. When he left her, she lashed out with angry texts to try to guilt trip and bait him into returning to her. These are not the actions of a healthy well-balanced individual, dude.
She's not setting a boundary. She's doing the same thing you do - projecting her worth onto another person and trying desperately not to have to be alone. This is not healthy boundary setting. It's anything but.
How do I know? I've been her. When I was in my early 20s. I had almost zero self-esteem and I was only attracted to men where there were obstacles built in to being with me: rebounds, pining for another woman, long distance. I was codependent. I put my own needs aside to fix another, thinking the love I would get in return would prove something to myself about my worth.
It was a mess. This woman is also a mess. She is not healthy in any shape or form because she does not think highly of herself. If she did, she would not have dated you in your state. And, (these wouldn't apply, since she would have stayed away, but for posterity's sake): she would have taken it really slow, she would not have introduced you to her parents because the jury was still out on whether the relationship would last after you felt better, and she would not have lashed out with angry and immature texts when you ended it. That is what maturity and healthy boundaries looks like.
You are your own worst enemy. You put on blinders tied to your emotions, determined to not see anything contradictory. Your feedback is always other people pointing out what you're missing, but you just grow more and more stubborn and set in your ways to "prove something" to us. What is going on, East? You're - presumably - here for help, and part of the appeal of being here is that you've got strangers who can help draw your attention to areas outside of your personal patterns in order to help you develop new healthy traits and be happier in your life. Yet you won't agree because you don't see things the same way (blinders) and then you do this rebellion thing that - time and time again - seems to just make things worse for yourself.
Part of the psychology of the rebound for the person on the rebound is projecting the positive qualities of the ex onto the new person. After the infatuation/limerance wears off, only then can we see that those positives aren't actually there, we just really wanted them to be. You are not seeing her for her. You are projecting what you feel you've lost and can't live without onto her. In reality, she is NOT amazing, healthy, and good with boundaries.
After you began to feel better and healed by using her, you were going to lose attraction to her and leave her. You were going to use her until you'd built up your ego via her. How do I know? A) I've been her years ago and I know how it goes, B) Two people who struggle with self-esteem and codependency are not a long term match. Most likely, when you were a little stronger you would see her for her and be repelled by her determination to fix you, because you don't feel you're worth it. You want women who feel superior to you and who reject you in small or large ways, because you're still trying to heal some wound that was most likely developed in your childhood.
Back away from the rebound, East. This has disaster written all over it.
Can you at least accept that your feelings will lead you astray right now? You put so much trust into them, not understanding that you're wearing lenses and that your emotions will likely change as you heal and (hopefully) stop repeating your patterns and grow stronger.
Quote:
why am I walking away from this? I don't want to
Because you are an adult walking away from something that is unhealthy. You are not a three year old in the grocery store who wants a piece of candy. You are stronger than your "wants".
You showed the same "But I waaaant toooooo!" longing when we first pointed out that you were rebounding, and your childlike reaction to that feedback really cemented it for me that you were in a really bad place. Now I'm picturing you stomping your feet in the candy store aisle again, and we all see the cavities and weight struggles in your future that you are incapable of seeing right now.
Quote:
I had a friend actually yell at me about this yesterday, asking me what the hell I thought I was doing walking away from this, because from where SHE was sitting, this looked real.
This friend is projecting something onto you. She has likely behaved similarly to the rebound, and wants it to work because the situations she put herself in made her angry and "should have" worked if only the guy saw her value.
Don't listen to this friend. I'm sure she's a lovely person, but you'll note the pattern of speaking to friends and family of our situations is that they give us advice that they see as the quickest way to end our pain/make us happy, not necessarily what is best for us, and not necessarily in line with our stated goals.
Stop looking for excuses that align with your blinders.
Quote:
I've gotten advice to "date myself." Well, he and I are already pretty damned intimate. I've been living inside my head for my whole life. It's a rare day when I don't understand myself. Brutal shocks like I've suffered this year always make me loopy, but I recover pretty quickly. If I can face my fear, and face my pain, then I'm on the right path.
Honey, the fact that you went for a rebound with an extremely insecure woman whom you can't even see clearly betrays this thought about yourself. You have very poor self-reflection right now because you are wrapped up in your pain and you're doing one thing and one thing only: grasping at things to try to make your pain go away.
This is not reflection. This is not understanding. This is emotional blinders and taking the easy road, and being destructive to yourself and others in the process.
Leave the candy aisle and think about why you avoid being alone. Why can you only see your value when reflected back at you in the eyes of a woman?
Until you work on those things BY CONFRONTING THEM AND NOT AVOIDING THEM, you will continue to repeat your patterns. They are currently at the heart of all of your pain and dysfunctional choices. There are no detours and shortcuts here, unfortunately.
I'm replying to myself, but I'll have you know, East, that I spent my walk to work thinking about this, and I would like to take you by the shoulders and shake you a little bit.
One thing I neglected to point out to you on the topic of healthy boundaries is something you should be paying attention to: You set a boundary by ending the relationship. She is fighting you on setting that boundary. That is not respectful behavior. That is not respecting your autonomy.
An emotionally healthy woman - if she dated you in the first place - would say "You know, I'm disappointed because I really like you, but I know I took a risk by dating you before you were really ready. I wish you the best!" and move on to heal and find someone emotionally available to her.
An emotionally healthy woman would respect your decision to break up with her. She'd know it takes two people to create and stay in a relationship, and just one to end it.
The one you're actually dealing with is trying to tell you that you are wrong, and she knows you better than yourself. She wants to fix you and earn your love to prove her worth to herself. She wants you to reverse the boundary that you have every right to set because SHE is scared to be alone with HERSELF. Not because she likes you so much, but because she's made you into a barometer of her worth.
East, this has Absolute Disaster written all over it. You are both insecure and codependent but neither of you can see through your emotional pain enough to notice. Limit the damage to the present. Set the boundary and notice it that she isn't respecting it. Her actions are very telling of her character.
Cadence, I just need to say every post I have ever read of yours is PHENOMENAL. Are you a psychologist? I am serious.
That even made me read into my own R habits. With my ex H I was definitely thinking if I could get someone as unhealthy to love me, it showed I was worthy of love. While I can now walk away from unhealthy or relationships that simply can't work, I always tie it to my worth and say "well, if they would have stayed and then I am worthy enough."
I broke the boundary. Not her. I sent her a couple of texts. I put something on facebook for her and her alone.
Sigh. Okay. Let me modify then: an emotionally healthy woman would look at your hot/cold up/down and be very wary of you and keep herself away from you knowing that you were a loose cannon who was very likely to hurt her.
It would look like "East, I really like you, but it's best for both of us to end this now. I need stability and you can't offer that to me right now. I wish you the best."
In the meantime, did you hear anything else that was said to you?
