There is one thing, re: Sandi's rules, that I am having trouble with. I don't know how to work this one atm. My W loves it when we do things together as a family. The talk we had the other night was after getting home from a family event with a whole heap of our friends. (This had been oprganised/booked for a long time). We had a good night. My W said she loved how we were that night. How our conversations were, how we interacted with each other etc. She loves doing things together with me and the kids.
Sandi's rules kind of suggest that I should put a stop to such things? With my W anyways. I feel that doing that would be detrimental to our MR and push my W further away? Spending more time with my kids and family is something I have wanted to change in myself for a long time. I have really worked hard and improved on in it in the past 8 months. If I start pulling away from it and cutting her out, wont that seem like I am falling back into my old ways?
Now I can see the arguments for it as well. This is creating a comfortable "family" life for her atm. Pulling away from family events together will likely be a shock to her system and make her start to realize that things like that will be going away and make her really think and question the path she is choosing.
Kids make all this even harder. How do I handle this situation?
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It really depends on the state of the A, if it's over then you support her and do the things she likes, family time, but not pressure her. If it's not over, then you won't be in an open M, and don't do those things..
I'm not saying jump back in to a MR with her as soon as she's out of the A, but show her that if she stays out of the A, there are benefits, good times to be had.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
The A is definitely over but I think she is still grieving the feelings she had during the A. I think she is looking for something that doesn't exist outside of an A. If that makes sense??
The way I have been handling family time is to agree to things when she suggests them. I haven't been the one coming up with ideas or plans to do things as a family. I guess thats how I am giving her her space with it.
Go ahead and include W in the family plans. If the A is truly over and she is going through withdrawls, then this will help her to get over that issue. You need to do what you can to secure her place in the family.
When a wayward spouse wants space 99.999% of the time that means they want to pursue a relationship with someone else but want you to sit patiently and wait, as their plan B, in case the new thing doesn't work out. The question then becomes, do you accept being plan B? Do you accept knowing that you'll do if something better doesn't pan out for her? These are things you have to get out in the open right now or resentments will grow like cancer. She's still all in on the wayward mindset right now. Deep in the fog. Zero remorse. Guilt, yes. Remorse, no.
I agree with this except that mostly that relationship is a fantasy. So there are times that it is not even with real people but just all in their head. Real people can not compete with fantasy because we all have warts and wrinkles. An affair partner can come in many forms and the fantasy is always better than the real facts of it.
I agree 100%. Real relationships with bills to pay, jobs to work, kids to raise, etc. can never compete with a fantasy relationship. The fantasy relationship is always "perfect"....until it isn't.
I think she is looking for something that doesn't exist outside of an A. If that makes sense??
It makes perfect sense. She wants to live a fantasy. Real life isn't near as glamorous and is full of challenges. Hopefully she wises up and realizes fantasies are just that and real life is whatever you make of it. I hope she realizes that before she ruins the best thing in her life.
W initiated another talk tonight, asking how I was....
How do you not give up? Because I think I'm giving up. I told her I'm done, we'll sell the house and she can go do whatever she needs to do. I'm done being in this limbo. She said that this is something she needs to go through otherwise she may always be wondering "what if" in the future. The conversation just kind of ended as I was getting the shits, and she walked off to have a shower.
It's just blow after blow and I can't do it anymore. I hate what she has done and I hate what she is doing to our family. It seems so selfish!
Forbet, I can relate to all of this. I feel like our situations are very similar. I feel like I am done all the time. Then I think about how forcing the issue one way or another won't REALLY change how I feel. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this...it just [censored]!!
My issue is time. I feel my wife making small steps in the right direction. I feel like if I can just hang on and keep up with things (GAL, DB, etc) that she will come around in time. What I am not sure of is how long it will be before I just don't want to anymore. I mean...even if she does come around, how will I feel about her at that point. I have been trying to talk myself in to wanting to keep trying by reminding myself of the good times and looking at pictures of us happy together. Sometimes that makes me sad, but I also feel that if I didn't do it every once in a while I would lose site over why I want to work it out to begin with.
I am not sure if I have any advice for you other than to say that you aren't alone...I'm feeling it with you. I think sometimes you just have to sit still and calm yourself in the eye of the storm.
When you're really done you will know it. You obviously aren't done so you need to regroup take a step back and breathe. Take some time out to focus back on you not on her and what she's done/doing. When the time comes you will know.
Me 46 H 39 M 11 T 14 S 10 DO 8 ILYBNILWY 11.06.17 Separate rooms 11.06.17 ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17 Kicked H out 23.6.17 H came home 20.8.17
