Still trying to figure out exactly what w meant when she said she doesn't want to give me false hope? I'm Guess I'm she's saying she doesn't want to say there's a chance of R when she feels there is no chance......
Yes, exactly. I think every LBSer ever has heard that line, and most of us heard it MANY times. It's part of the reason the WAS suddenly becomes so cold and distant after years and years of being anything but. Once they decide they want out, they're scared to death that any little show of affection will be misinterpreted as them changing their mind. So they turn into ice queens. It doesn't mean they don't care anymore, they do. They care a lot more than they want you to know, so they shut it all down. Every now and then you'll see a glimpse of "old W". I remember a few weeks after BD I had laid down next to one of my D's to wake her up. W came in and laid on the other side of her. D and I were playing and laughing and I glanced up at W and saw that old look on her face, that look that said "I love you more than anything in the world" that I had seen a thousand times before, and then suddenly it just vanished. I think she briefly forgot BD and slipped back to her old self, then had to check it. The WAS has an internal struggle going on, they're torn between their old life and the unknown- the new life they think they want but are not sure about. But on the outside it's cool, calm and collected for the most part.
You're completely correct about being ice queens. I got home from work today and saw my wife's car in my driveway. First thing I thought was hmm maybe she's coming back? Then I laughed and said nahhh she's just gettin more of her stuff. Sure enough that's what she was doing. We talked for a while just small talk, I made her laugh a few times and that was about it. She asked me once if I wanted her to take something now or later and I light heartedly said I don't want you to take anything really, she just kinda chuckled. I know prob a bad thing to say but it just came out. She's obviously still dead set on her way with no signs of slowing down. But at least she was at the house when I was home, but again I got home an hour earlier than normal so it probably caught her off guard tho she didn't seem like it did.
Could it of been her secretly wanting to see me? Or am I grasping for straws? Hah we chatted for almost 30 mins while she was packing her stuff. But I stayed calm and upbeat.
She asked me once if I wanted her to take something now or later and I light heartedly said I don't want you to take anything really, she just kinda chuckled. I know prob a bad thing to say but it just came out. as long as you said it with some wit and no staring at her with a microscope, no biggie. There are very few SINGLE things you can do or say that will change this a lot.
She's obviously still dead set on her way with no signs of slowing down. totally mind reading on your part
But at least she was at the house when I was home, but again I got home an hour earlier than normal so it probably caught her off guard tho she didn't seem like it did.
mind reading^^^ again, almost every gesture or word she does/says is being analyzed by you.
Look let's be blunt for just a minute. If any of us were good mind readers, we would not be here.
It's so unproductive to do this. Besides, if your w returned tomorrow and said "OMG I'm home for good!"
You seem to think that would be totally great/easy and smooth. But it would not be.
You'd wonder what the heck happened and if you did not, you'd end up here again.
Back off give her space and work on the ONE person you actually can affect, which is you.
Start speaking in her love languages so that if she returns that, and the changes you are making authentically - would help your m be different/better than before
and you will be a better man, regardless.
Could it of been her secretly wanting to see me? nope. You just said she didn't know you'd be there then. YOU returned early... Or am I grasping for straws?
Yes^^
Hah we chatted for almost 30 mins while she was packing her stuff. But I stayed calm and upbeat.
Good job!^^^ Oh btw, did you go home early - because you hoped to see her? That's my guess from your wording here.
Hard to appear as if you are backing off & giving her space, that way.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
when you want to stare at HER behavior and HER wording and do more mind reading or guess work of what is in HER mind
look in the mirror instead.
How is YOUR personal work going??
How is your GAL?
Those^^ are what your focus needs to be, imo.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Back off give her space and work on the ONE person you actually can affect, which is you.
Start speaking in her love languages so that if she returns that, and the changes you are making authentically - would help your m be different/better than before
Her love language if physical touch, so how can I even remotely speak to her in that language at this time??
when you want to stare at HER behavior and HER wording and do more mind reading or guess work of what is in HER mind
look in the mirror instead.
How is YOUR personal work going??
How is your GAL?
Those^^ are what your focus needs to be, imo.
You're right I'm a bit obsessive at trying to analyze everything little thing she does or says at this time. I have to remember its barely been a month, so all the hurt and frustration is still very fresh to her. I'm sure the excitement of starting a new life might be exciting at this time too for her.
my GAL is going ok I guess, I've continued to do projects around the house and spend more time with friends and family. Still working on my 180s in life too, trying to become the man I once was and even a better improved version of that man.
Back off give her space and work on the ONE person you actually can affect, which is you.
Start speaking in her love languages so that if she returns that, and the changes you are making authentically - would help your m be different/better than before
Her love language if physical touch, so how can I even remotely speak to her in that language at this time??
Most people have 2 LL's- so what's her other one?
Second, you will be able to LATER ON, hug, flirt, touch teasingly and get her to feel desirable in her LL of touch.
That's not for now.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Back off give her space and work on the ONE person you actually can affect, which is you.
Start speaking in her love languages so that if she returns that, and the changes you are making authentically - would help your m be different/better than before
Her love language if physical touch, so how can I even remotely speak to her in that language at this time??
Most people have 2 LL's- so what's her other one?
Second, you will be able to LATER ON, hug, flirt, touch teasingly and get her to feel desirable in her LL of touch.
That's not for now.
Words of affirmation is her secondary one. Still at this time she probably won't believe any compliments from me to be sincere
"I can't express love in either of my w's language so, you know, I'll read into what SHE does or says and I will remain pretty much the same as I was..."
not the path you want. Regardless of what your w does, You can change YOU.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
