Can I ask why you started into a new R with GF to start with? It sounds like you jumped into a rebound to lessen the hurt of losing W. But in the process you are just hurting your GF and probably yourself too.
I thought it was really over. I thought *I* was done. I thought W was going to live her life and I was going to live mine. I THOUGHT I was ready to at least go on a date, which I expected to lead nowhere. I didn't expect to find what I found, and I didn't expect W to change course.
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Did she initiate that? Pretty unusual move for a WAS, that's a nice baby step. But again, where is GF in this picture? Seems you're trying to lead a double-life.
She did. Pretty sure she tried to kiss me at one point, too, but I avoided it. The fact that I could do what I did is one of the main reasons I broke up with GF. Despite what she may think right now, that's not fair in any universe.
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How did you respond? Hopefully you listened and validated, but didn't give her open-ended promises about how you'll wait for her.
Can't tell you, I don't remember exactly.
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And if he is then you're letting W cake-eat. She gets to have her fling and return for dates with you when she needs her "family time". I understand your desire for "just one more day" but in the end did that extra day make you feel any better about things? Or just more confused and in turmoil?
Didn't make me feel better, made things "worse." Even if I was being used, I wouldn't change that day.
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I'm not sure this C is the best choice for a DB'er. Doesn't sound like it. It is REAL EASY to find people to tell you to quit and move on. But is that what YOU want? Or do you want to stand? If you want to stand then surround yourself with advisors that support that.
When I started seeing C, I wasn't trying to save things anymore... I was trying to figure out how to be healthy again. I know (especially now) that I'm not. Fixing that trumps any relationship concerns I might otherwise have.
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Do you think she is wrong?
She was 100% right. Another reason I had to leave.
To me, this feels so unhealthy in so many ways. She/you/D arent DYING. She is in another relationship and your "one more day" is just playing at house. To me, this one more day only makes it harder to reach your final goals.
But...whats done is done. And so be it.
The three of us aren't, I agree... but "the three of us" as a unit surely is... or has. I haven't been able to look at it in any other way. It's horrifying and makes me sick to my stomach when I think about it.
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I dont believe this is about her. It's about you. She not manipulating you...you are allowing yourself to be manipulated. You say you are in love with someone else, yet you jumped at this opportunity to be with W and D, and compounded it by being physically and emotionally intimate. Shes keeping you attached; what can you do to detach? It isnt about love or hate; it's about your emotional independence!
More reasons I had to leave GF. She actually understood, believe it or not, why I did what I did with W. She didn't understand what I meant when I said I couldn't learn to be a whole person again while I was half of a whole made up of she and I. She also didn't understand that my allowing (I'd say "can't stop" but that's a cop out) W to manipulate me was another reason I had to go... oddly enough, her response to that was the same as yours: "Ok... how can we get you out of that place?"
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1)What are you going to do to 'be there'?
I'm pretty sure all I can manage right now is to not slack on her schedule. Make sure I cook her dinner instead of letting a restaurant cook it, make sure she gets her outside time with her friends instead of parking her in front of Disney, make sure she gets her reading done. NOT feeling energetic, but I think I can manage that.
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If theres something about D, I think it's OK to respond. How about to not initiate any contact that isnt necessary?"
Yes, that's what I intended.
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I think NC with GF right now is best for you.
If she talks to me, I'll talk back. I can't ghost her. I did harm, I'll pay penance if required.
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Instead of putting this on them, what if you look inward. What patterns are you exhibiting that are the same between the two divorces? How are you playing into this cycle to exhibit the same responses? What are you looking for in women that leads to the same results?
No doubt this is all on me. I ALLOWED this. By not detaching, by still caring, by... still holding on to something, and I don't know what or why. But god, I do feel like that lab rat, being poked and prodded for perceived amusement without comprehending what it did to deserve it.
[/quote] No doubt this is all on me. I ALLOWED this. By not detaching, by still caring, by... still holding on to something, and I don't know what or why. But god, I do feel like that lab rat, being poked and prodded for perceived amusement without comprehending what it did to deserve it.[/quote]
OK, you may feel like a lab rat and your ex w and w have hurting you in their mind.
Believe it or not, they don't. it's a side effect of their own selfishness. They are doing what they want to get what they want, absolutely. But not to get off on your misery. It just feels that way.
No one is out to make you miserable on purpose. so take back your power when you are ready.
I thought it was really over. I thought *I* was done. I thought W was going to live her life and I was going to live mine. I THOUGHT I was ready to at least go on a date, which I expected to lead nowhere. I didn't expect to find what I found, and I didn't expect W to change course.
I hear you, I did much the same thing. For what it's worth, I GREATLY regret having done that. It was about a year after BD. I started seeing a new lady, we got "serious" fairly quickly. My W suddenly wanted to go to Retrouvaille, this after a year of never once talking about reconciling. We went and we made great progress on our communications. But because I was seeing the OW it derailed my efforts to try and reconnect with W. At some point I told her that it seemed like her heart wasn't in it and did she want to quit going to the followup sessions, and she said yes. But I think it was really me who's heart wasn't in it, because of OW and my fantasy of a new, better life with her. MY fling with OW fizzled a few months later. In retrospect it was WAY too soon to get in another R, but like you I had convinced myself it was over and I was ready. But I wasn't. I should have waited another year which would have been about 2 years post BD. That sounds like a really long time, but when you're married that long it really does take you a good long while to well and truly drop the rope.
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Didn't make me feel better, made things "worse." Even if I was being used, I wouldn't change that day.
I get it, I really do. I mean that was me too, I treasured any time I could spend as a "family" with W post BD. But as we're fond of saying around here, she needs to learn to miss you. As long as you're there for her whenever she decides she wants a little of the "old life" then she's not going to miss you.
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When I started seeing C, I wasn't trying to save things anymore... I was trying to figure out how to be healthy again.
Ah, OK that makes sense then. But given where you are now, maybe it's time to change C's?
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She was 100% right. Another reason I had to leave.
Even though you're expressing confusion, you really seem to have a very good grasp on things. You understand DB principals really well and you recognize when you're on and off track. Breaking up with your GF was a VERY tough decision, but you did the right thing and you should be proud of yourself for that. I think now that you realize you want to stand for your M that you're going to feel a lot better and less confused going forward. Hang in there, you're doing great!
Breaking up with your GF was a VERY tough decision, but you did the right thing and you should be proud of yourself for that. I think now that you realize you want to stand for your M that you're going to feel a lot better and less confused going forward. Hang in there, you're doing great!
I'm not convinced of that!
Stand for my marriage? I may still love W, and I might even still want her, and I would do literally anything for my family, but my marriage? My marriage is a sham! It's been pissed all over. Maybe there's a someday where there's another relationship with W, but it's not this one!
I'm "proud" of myself about GF in the sense that I was able to do what I thought was the right thing, rather than the thing that I wanted. I'm not proud of anything else. I am completely without doubt that I love her, too. Completely without doubt that I have WRONGED someone special, who never deserved being hurt. There's nothing to take pride in, there.
Stand for my marriage? I may still love W, and I might even still want her, and I would do literally anything for my family, but my marriage? My marriage is a sham! It's been pissed all over. Maybe there's a someday where there's another relationship with W, but it's not this one!
Yes of course, maybe I should have said stand for your W rather than your M, because you are quite right, the goal isn't to go "back to normal". It's to create a new R that is superior to the old one.
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Completely without doubt that I have WRONGED someone special, who never deserved being hurt. There's nothing to take pride in, there.
You are right again, and certainly I wasn't suggesting you should be proud of breaking her heart. What I meant was you should take pride in knowing you did the right thing even though it hurt you and her right now, because allowing the situation to persist would have hurt both of you much more later.
I'm not standing for W, either. I'm taking the advice I got to give myself time and learn how to be a whole person again. Maybe I have a future with W. Maybe not. Maybe through some amazing act of fate I will end up with GF at the right time and get the life that I actually want.
If I'm doing the right thing, why does it feel wrong? If I'm doing the healthy thing, why does it hurt? If I'm trying to heal, why do I feel more broken? If I'm trying to protect someone from me, then why did I hurt them?
If I'm doing the right thing, why does it feel wrong? If I'm doing the healthy thing, why does it hurt? If I'm trying to heal, why do I feel more broken? If I'm trying to protect someone from me, then why did I hurt them?
You know the answer to this. The healthy thing might hurt in the short term, but will be the best choice in the long term. You are trying to heal through someone else, that's why you feel broken. It just doesn't work that way. You took the bandage off and it ripped off all your chest hair, and that hurts. Now you begin to heal. GF was going to feel the effects of this either way. You began a relationship while still in a marriage and just freshly left. You are sparing her more pain down now. You went on a date and held hands with your W while having a GF. being in that situation is worse for her. You did the right thing trying to resolve unresolved issues and healing yourself before you become a part of a couple yet again. I am sure she must have know risk comes with dating a married man.
You are grieving not one but the loss of two now. Which is why they warn against R's while still married and fresh. Please give yourself the time to heal and grieve. It takes time and it does come if you put the work into it.
If you take a painkiller it takes away the pain, but masks the problem. If you surgically remove the problem, the pain is great, but the problem is solved.
