Thanks job, I think you are right and that's all I can really do for now.
And thanks for your comment too, cadet...as much as I don't like hearing that
To clarify, I do not feel positive about her being in the withdrawal stage, and I don't necessarily feel like I want to try and pin her down to a timeline or MLC stage. I am more or less trying to determine how I will respond when she either wants to get a new place OR wants to come home. One of those is inevitable. She might need to get a new place, and I think that wouldn't be horrible if we can afford it if it. What I am not sure about is if she wants to come home (for any reason), if that is the right decision or not. That is more or less why I was trying to figure out where I thought she might be mentally. She is definitely showing more positive behavior than a month ago. She has never asked for or discussed divorce. From the beginning of this thing she never said she wanted a divorce. She said she wasn't sure what she wanted at first (regarding R). Now she says that she wants to make it work, but I think she is still foggy and a little selfish right now trying to figure herself out...but not as much as even a month ago.
I have been pretty good at detaching and doing my own things to better myself and make ME happy, but this apartment timeline approaching has started to get me a little anxious about where we are with things. I realize that isn't a productive thing to think about, but you know it can be hard to put that stuff aside sometimes.
I'm going to work at keeping zero expectations and doing what you said job, keeping the light on and the door ajar but living my life to the fullest. Some days thats a piece of cake...other days I have to work on it. The days I have to work on it are getting easier, though...so thats good.
Wife just texted me that her grandpa is in the hospital not doing well. He is the last living grandparent between the 2 of us. I find myself wondering how this will affect her in her current state. I know that deaths of family members can trigger MLC in some, but how does it affect someone already in it? That's probably a selfish question and not what I should be thinking about, but I can't help but wonder. I love him too and hope he does ok.
when he visited them one year, I asked his sister how XH handled his mothers death she said it was strange because he never acknowledged it or talked about her or attended any services
Ive heard sometimes tragedy can wake them up but Ive also heard if they haven't finished all the way through the tunnel they will again Relapse
unfortunately no easy out of this mess but thru it for all peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Been a rough week, but also a good one (if that's even possible).
So, last week when W brought the kids home, D came in and said mommy is moving home! Obviously that is not how something like that should have come about. I didn't say anything to W right then (she didn't hear D say that) because we have MC the next day. She did bring it up then, but it just seemed like the moment was lost since we didn't get to have a discussion before bringing the kids in to it. I realize what happened, but it doesn't matter for the sake of it needing to be a discussion between us.
She had decided that she wanted to move back and to discuss it during MC. The night before daughter was asking if she was going to move home or get a new apartment, and knowing how D felt she told her she was moving home.
We did discuss it during MC and after. She wants to move home cause she misses the kids and wants to try to work on M again, but not necessarily because her feelings have returned. I realize this is not good, but I am kind of stuck as to what to do about it. I THINK I can make it work, but I realize it will be more difficult than if she had a little more time in her apartment.
What makes it more complicated is that she seems to be starting to reconnect with other things. She has started spending a little more time with family, I've seen her pick up and play with the cats, and a few other small things not worth mentioning, but small steps. She also said in MC that she feels like I haven't been myself with her. I admitted to being guarded around her as to try and give her space. She explained that she didn't want that and wanted me to be open with her and be myself.
I do not think she is better, but she seems to be making the kind of progress that this site seems to suggest is in the right direction. Because of that, it just seems like a bad time for her to move home as she might be not too far off from actually wanting to try and reconnect. No idea on the timeline of something like that, but we at least seem to be moving in that direction.
She says so many mixed things that it is hard to judge intention. I know I shouldn't really even try that since I can't believe anything she says and only half of what she does, but her moving back has me trying to figure out where her head is at so I know how to respond. She says she wants to make it work. She says I am an amazing person. She says she wants to reconnect with family and fix things.
For now I am going to see how things play out. She's going to move back in. If I don't like how its going, I'll deal with that then. I guess 1 decision isn't going to break tings any more than they are. I can see how it goes and if I don't like it, then I don't like it. I can deal with it then...pretty sure I got this...even though I don't feel like that all the time.
More or less I am just journaling...but if anyone wants to offer a supporting voice or any advice, it is always welcomed.
Just took a bit to read your sitch .... thought I would chime in a little bit here.
Your thread does seem to have a common theme of you placing or attempting to place where/what stage your W is in with regards to MLC. From my perspective and you can take this for what it is .... the good ol 2x4 .... she is definitely in the Cake Eating Stage. This stage is not one of the 6 because it is alot like Cake Frosting and covers the entire thing if the LBS allows it.
To briefly summarize .... she starts working out ... happy hours with co-workers... helps a 'friend' who is going through D himself .. comes home at 4 ... Yeah, the flags here are hard to ignore. So you separate and she gets a little taste of solo life, misses the kids .... key term kids ... and decided to move back in and has your D inform you rather than to sit down and have a conversation with you.
My man .... you need some boundaries and like yesterday or this will unravel with a quickness.
As far as the MC goes .... I will tell you what my MC told me when I was precisely in your shoes (OM in the shadows) ..... MC will never work with 3 people. I get you are not sure if he is in nor out ... but you need to know this and its HER job to prove that to you.
What happens when she moves back in ... will you allow the happy hours and disrespect to you, the family and the marriage as she freely comes and goes as she pleases ... do you want an open marriage? These are Non-negotiables you need to lay down prior to her moving back in. And I know .. feels like if you make a stand she will get upset and do what ... leave you... to late she already did that. She may not like it but she will respect the fact you finally stood up for yourself.
Took a hiatus for a bit. Sometimes reading the forums is very helpful, but other times it makes it harder to read the pain so many are going through.
To start, thank you CaliGuy for your response above. You are/were totally right. Good advice.
To catch up from where I left off, my W has been living at home again since July (4 months ago when I write this). That is also when I got a new job. We stopped going to MC at the time she moved back. The up and down has been pretty rough, but a different kind of rough than before. The cycling is hard because sometimes things seem almost normal which makes me want to let me guard down, but then back to LaLa Land. I know that the MLC fog lies and I shouldn't believe the things she says, but that is difficult sometimes. Here is a quick timeline of the last few months:
When she first came back she was still pretty cold and distant with me, but she said she wanted to try and work things out. Said she had a million reasons to make things work. She stopped going out so much and was done with her EA (I'm sure of it, not being naive), but she seemed to be depressed. I tried taking her out on dates as she mentioned that being something lacking in our R, but she seemed to accept reluctantly and was a little distant while we were out. I tried sending her flowers and she seemed to appreciate it, but it didn't help anything. We continued to have sex, and I thought she was in to it, but now I think that she was either faking it or isn't in to it anymore. To clarify, I wasn't trying to chase her...I was trying to work on the marriage because I thought that's what she wanted. I wasn't bgging or pleading, just trying to be a good husband and work on what I thought she needed. I believe that was an error in judgement now. She was not ready.
I have moved to detaching (or acting like it at least). We are now getting along almost normally since I have started leaving her alone, but I am human and occasionally I instigate some kind of R conversation. In the last couple of months she has stopped wearing her wedding ring because she says it feels like a symbol of possession, stopped all intimacy because she says it feels like an obligation, and even told me at one point that she didn't want to be married. She also says that she wants to work things out...and if I leave her alone we get along ok.
I guess I am here now to ask, how to you detach? I mean I know what it means and I know how to "act" like it...but mentally, how do you actually do that. I feel like I need to GAL and detach, but it is hard to WANT to GAL or know how if mentally you can't detach. I analyse her every move. I see her making personal progress in the things she does, even though she is still cycling through behaviors. The bad isn't as bad anymore...but that is my point. I feel like I shouldn't be noticing all that stuff right now. She does something positive and it makes me happy...then she cycles down and it depresses me because I thought we were making progress. She IS making progress, but I need to detach from all that for now to help regain my man card. I swear I had one before...and I feel so close to being able to do it but can't quite get there. Some days its like a light bulb moment and I feel like I finally am detached...but those moments are short lived. Any advice on the mental gymnastics needed to detach would be greatly appreciated.
Sorry for the rambling. Thank you all for all of your posts. They help more than you know!
alanon is a great program main teaching is to detach from the alcoholic very similar to DB and its free in person meetings are everywhere..I find it super helpful in all my relationships
I don't live with a MLCER but some things I do to detach
focus on self create gratitude list of my life allow others to make their choices and mistakes don't give advice unless asked let go let go listen to tapes on letting go find activities just for you or with kids keep neutral if she is unavailable and make plans without her practice in your mind letting go of her, when you think of her project good like she will work through it eventually either the r will work or not but for now create peace for sake of kids
read Ha who thread as she lives with MLCer
good luck
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you Peace...that list will help! I found yesterday that I felt better just typing out my comment in this thread. I forgot that journalling helps. Several of those things I am already doing, but it is getting my mind in to it that can be tricky. I'm getting better. The support and advice helps!
And thank you too, Job. I have read the forum/comments on detachment you linked. I feel like I understand what needs to be done in order to achieve it, its just difficult to put my mind in to it. I find myself going through the motions of detachment, but in my head I'm still thinking and cycling through thoughts that I know don't reflect actual detachment. I'll re-read that post again. It does help for perspective and I feel like I pick up something new every time I re-read posts on this site. Its like some parts don't really register when I read them until they are pertinent to my situation.
Feeling better today...working on making that the norm...
