Happy Birthday. This is so difficult but really try to detach yourself and as previous post think about how you would respond to a friend rather than your WAS. We need to present ourselves positively to them so we are always the best choice. However remember this is not about convincing then they want you it's about regaining yourself and them wanting you because of that. Hope you had a lovely day x
Me 46 H 39 M 11 T 14 S 10 DO 8 ILYBNILWY 11.06.17 Separate rooms 11.06.17 ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17 Kicked H out 23.6.17 H came home 20.8.17
Happy Birthday. This is so difficult but really try to detach yourself and as previous post think about how you would respond to a friend rather than your WAS. We need to present ourselves positively to them so we are always the best choice. However remember this is not about convincing then they want you it's about regaining yourself and them wanting you because of that. Hope you had a lovely day x
Thank you, it really is difficult especially the the other day when she started crying it just instantly made me forget the dbing and I got lost in my emotions for a bit too. I felt wow she's dropping her guard for a sec maybe this is my chance to say how I feel. But who knows the real reason she was crying.
Happy B-Day stunned, although I get that it probably isn't.
Look, before I say anything, I want to acknowledge that I was you, people gave me advice and I gave reasons why my W was different than all the others, so I was going to do something different.
So you now know that your W is wayward, at the least she's having an EA. What are you going to do? Based on my past, I'm going to guess that your going to keep a close eye on her, make sure it doesn't go PA, your going to show her you love her so much she would never let it get that far.. It won't work.
It's the hardest thing to do after being shell shocked, but man up (or at least act like it). She is cheating on you, and your saying thank you sweetie. Stop, stop trying to think of how you can say something to her in a way that will nice her back, it doesn't work.
You want to be a strong, confident man, someone that she knows can protect her and rock her world, not cower and eat a crap sandwhich because that's all she feels like serving. Would John Wayne say thank you for the gift sweetie, I'll open it at appropriate time? I'm guessing not. Look, I'm just saying your not going to nice (or polite) her back.
What are you doing to be a better you? What are your 180s? I don't remember seeing anything on that.
I'll leave you with this quote from accuray, because it's dead on...
Accu, hopefully you don't mind..
Here's another way to look at Persuing that accuray posted on another thread and it resonated with everything I've learned about R since high school.
Originally Posted By: Accuray
Relationships start as a meeting of equals. In order for your relationship to "restart" it needs to get back onto equal footing. When she leaves and you pursue her, you are "one down" in the relationship, you are less than. She knows that you're there for the taking. She would have to exert zero effort to get you back. Do people value that which they do not have to work for?
Here's what the typical walkaway wife sees in their husband:
Here's this guy who had these shortcomings in our marriage. I told him to make things better and he didn't, and it got so bad, I had to leave. Now that he's put me through all this pain, he's desperately trying to convince me that he can change and everything will be different. He's sad all the time, he's passive aggressive, he shames me and tries to make me feel guilty. He tries to make me the bad guy in all this when he's the one who drove me to it. He won't accept that I want to move on and is basically clinging onto my leg and holding me back. That's not who I want to be with.
Here's the vision for you:
She sees that you're just fine without her. She sees that you're happy, you're going out and living your life. You're an amazing father and truly enjoy your parenting time. You're exercising, you're eating right, you've upgraded your wardrobe. There's a new swagger in your step. She suspects, and then fears, that you are NOT there for the taking. That if she wants you back, that's not a very certain proposal at all.
Which picture is she more intrigued by? Which picture has any chance of succeeding?
In the first case, she's going to give you platitudes and try to do the minimum she can to feel the least guilty, but her whole focus is on getting away, and getting you to accept that she's going. In that mindframe, she's not going to hear anything you read from a letter. She's not interested in seeing changes. She's interested in getting away.
In the second case, there's nothing to get away from because there's no pursuit. Suddenly the safety net is gone and she has space to evaluate what she's doing. Things are not at all certain anymore. There is no longer a singular focus.
I had a friend who discovered that his wife had cheated on him. He confronted her and she unloaded on him, anger, all the things he had done wrong, etc. He said "I may not have always been the best husband, but I was committed to you. If I hurt you along the way I'm sorry. You cheated on me, good luck with that." Then he completely shut her out, went dark, and went on with his life.
To her, that was like smelling salts, he didn't buy into the revisionist history, or the "he's the bad guy" or any of it, and suddenly she had nothing to go back to. The affair quickly ran its course and she came back remorseful and apologetic, and he was able to dictate the terms by which he may be interested in trying again.
In short, he was not "one down" when they came back together, if anything things were tipped in his favor. She understood his boundaries, what he would and would not accept, and had seen that he would stand up for himself, and was perfectly capable of living his own life without her. She wasn't on the hook for anything.
In that context, they're both in the relationship because they want to be, not because they feel like they have to be, and that's an important distinction.
Give her space, no more emotional appeals. Focus on you and who you want to be and the rest will take care of itself. If you want her back, the shortest path is a straight line in the other direction. Anything else is just prolonging the inevitable.
Acc
[/quote]
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Happy B-Day stunned, although I get that it probably isn't.
Look, before I say anything, I want to acknowledge that I was you, people gave me advice and I gave reasons why my W was different than all the others, so I was going to do something different.
So you now know that your W is wayward, at the least she's having an EA. What are you going to do? Based on my past, I'm going to guess that your going to keep a close eye on her, make sure it doesn't go PA, your going to show her you love her so much she would never let it get that far.. It won't work.
It's the hardest thing to do after being shell shocked, but man up (or at least act like it). She is cheating on you, and your saying thank you sweetie. Stop, stop trying to think of how you can say something to her in a way that will nice her back, it doesn't work.
You want to be a strong, confident man, someone that she knows can protect her and rock her world, not cower and eat a crap sandwhich because that's all she feels like serving. Would John Wayne say thank you for the gift sweetie, I'll open it at appropriate time? I'm guessing not. Look, I'm just saying your not going to nice (or polite) her back.
What are you doing to be a better you? What are your 180s? I don't remember seeing anything on that.
I'll leave you with this quote from accuray, because it's dead on...
Accu, hopefully you don't mind..
Here's another way to look at Persuing that accuray posted on another thread and it resonated with everything I've learned about R since high school.
Originally Posted By: Accuray
Relationships start as a meeting of equals. In order for your relationship to "restart" it needs to get back onto equal footing. When she leaves and you pursue her, you are "one down" in the relationship, you are less than. She knows that you're there for the taking. She would have to exert zero effort to get you back. Do people value that which they do not have to work for?
Here's what the typical walkaway wife sees in their husband:
Here's this guy who had these shortcomings in our marriage. I told him to make things better and he didn't, and it got so bad, I had to leave. Now that he's put me through all this pain, he's desperately trying to convince me that he can change and everything will be different. He's sad all the time, he's passive aggressive, he shames me and tries to make me feel guilty. He tries to make me the bad guy in all this when he's the one who drove me to it. He won't accept that I want to move on and is basically clinging onto my leg and holding me back. That's not who I want to be with.
Here's the vision for you:
She sees that you're just fine without her. She sees that you're happy, you're going out and living your life. You're an amazing father and truly enjoy your parenting time. You're exercising, you're eating right, you've upgraded your wardrobe. There's a new swagger in your step. She suspects, and then fears, that you are NOT there for the taking. That if she wants you back, that's not a very certain proposal at all.
Which picture is she more intrigued by? Which picture has any chance of succeeding?
In the first case, she's going to give you platitudes and try to do the minimum she can to feel the least guilty, but her whole focus is on getting away, and getting you to accept that she's going. In that mindframe, she's not going to hear anything you read from a letter. She's not interested in seeing changes. She's interested in getting away.
In the second case, there's nothing to get away from because there's no pursuit. Suddenly the safety net is gone and she has space to evaluate what she's doing. Things are not at all certain anymore. There is no longer a singular focus.
I had a friend who discovered that his wife had cheated on him. He confronted her and she unloaded on him, anger, all the things he had done wrong, etc. He said "I may not have always been the best husband, but I was committed to you. If I hurt you along the way I'm sorry. You cheated on me, good luck with that." Then he completely shut her out, went dark, and went on with his life.
To her, that was like smelling salts, he didn't buy into the revisionist history, or the "he's the bad guy" or any of it, and suddenly she had nothing to go back to. The affair quickly ran its course and she came back remorseful and apologetic, and he was able to dictate the terms by which he may be interested in trying again.
In short, he was not "one down" when they came back together, if anything things were tipped in his favor. She understood his boundaries, what he would and would not accept, and had seen that he would stand up for himself, and was perfectly capable of living his own life without her. She wasn't on the hook for anything.
In that context, they're both in the relationship because they want to be, not because they feel like they have to be, and that's an important distinction.
Give her space, no more emotional appeals. Focus on you and who you want to be and the rest will take care of itself. If you want her back, the shortest path is a straight line in the other direction. Anything else is just prolonging the inevitable.
Acc
[/quote]
Thank you for that, it's very good advice and you're right although she says it's just an old friend that she's talking too and that it's not that kinda talking I find it hard to believe. The guy looks like a bum too. You're right tho I have to detach fully and act as if I'm moving on. My 180s are trying to go nc but I've been failing in that lately. And to just show her a confident man and up beat and happy like the man she fell in love with. I just got lost in her emotions when she broke down but I'm gonna try like hell not too if that happens again.
So we just met up till full out a form for our Ivf program and had to get it notarized. As we were in the store doing that she started tearing up. I touched her arm and ask if she was ok and she started tearing up even more. When we walked outside she was crying and said it's just hard going through this and I told her it doesn't have to be this way. We talked for a while just about the situation and I started crying too at times. I told her I know you have to do what you have to do for you right now, and don't be afraid to contact me if your feelings change. Then she stopped crying
not to beat a dead horse but...are you seeing an IC? This^^ is an odd reaction imo.
Not saying you're a jerk! Just don't know what you thought that wording would achieve other than snapping her back to the armor up.
Last edited by Cadet; 06/16/1706:23 PM. Reason: Fix quote
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Sorry your birthday was not what you'd hoped for. I Know it hurts.
and before you let every man who has a wife in an affair, or lump your wife into every other "wayward" situation, let me say 2 things.
1) while affairs are always bad choices, they are not all alike. Just as broken hearts have universal themes, we all each have unique pieces we have to manage and navigate.
2) unlike 95% of the WAW's around here, your w had IVF hormones for months, which have significant emotional side effects...oh and wait a second, she also
LOST TWINS just a short time ago!!
Not to mention some underlying issues in which you play a role.
And btw, I'm not even sure she can physically have an affair, at this point. I sure as heck would not lump her into the routine "wayward wife" group.
Good grief.
Plus, but if you focus all your energy on whether she's seeing someone else or confiding too much, having an "EA",
you will lose the opportunity to work on YOU.
Please stay on your path.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
not to beat a dead horse but...are you seeing an IC? This^^ is an odd reaction imo.
Not saying you're a jerk! Just don't know what you thought that wording would achieve other than snapping her back to the armor up.[/color]
While we were talking at the time she was crying and nodding her head like she was agreeing with me. But once we stopped she kinda gathered herself and then went back to saying this is the way it has to be. I was trying to let her know that I understand she feels she needs to check out right now as she says but that the doors open for her. I agree wasnt the best thing to say.... maybe the worst thing to say but she was nodding like she was agreeing so idk. My detaching needs much improvement. As far as I know shes coming over tomorrow with her folks to get her bigger furniture, she asked if I could leave the house for a few hours to make it easier for her. I said im sorry but this time I have things to do at the house so I'll be home but I'll stay out of your way. I've accommodated her each time shes come over and I've left the house but this time I'm kinda trying a 180 to see what happens. I wanna say to her shes made it hard on me since the day she left but I will not tell her that.
