I find it strange that my w is so motivated to move all her possessions out of our house but she still hasn't changed her address. Idk that seems like one of the first things I would do, makes me wonder if she's trying to keep a foot in the door.
i would read nothing into that.^^ I filed for divorce and I didn't change my address partly b/c I wasn't sure how long I'd be at the new place, so there was some vagueness,
and partly b/c I just forgot. She's moving her stuff, which requires great effort and she's doing that.
But filling out a piece of paper or online to change her address is no biggie. My guess is that's an oversight whereas moving her stuff is real & purposeful. Don't hold back from forward movement for non reasons.
IF there is a huge change internally, and if it's worth your time it won't be this mysterious or unclear
I'm so sorry
You're right, I'm just desperate to find any little crack or shred of evidence that's she's not fully committed to leaving. I just need to accept the fact that AT THIS TIME she FEELS like this is what's best for her. I know it' still hasn't been a month yet but her actions seem lightning speed and rushing through to move out her stuff.
Yeah you're right, she would probably take it as I'm trying to hard to show her my changes.
But on the other hand I feel it would show her i am changing.
see anything revealing about this^^^??
I guess this shows it's more about me trying to validate my changes to her instead her seeing them or wanting those changes.
To me it shows that these are not authentic changes in you. They are tactics to get her back. Not the same thing.
And anything (even sincerely) done in just a month of time, is not something to expect a reaction from. Your timeline is simply way way too fast.
Have you heard that "this is a marathon, not a sprint"?? Because it is.
As for changes, here's the "math" of it. consistent change + sufficient time = change she can believe in.
Take that ^^ in and repeat it to yourself if you need to.
As for words of affirmation, are they hard for you? If so, that's an area for you to work on b/c they are "free" and relatively easy to do.
But IF & when you compliment her - you do it and you somehow reveal that no reaction is expected.
"That dinner was great. You're a creative chef." And then you pick up some dishes and move to the kitchen; you don't stare at her for reciprocity or effect.
The Five Love Languages is a book that talks about how we give AND receive love and it can be 2 different languages. We may give love in a way we don't really feel from another. I was not big on getting gifts but I liked getting them for others. Even small things.
But what makes me feel loved are acts of service and time together. A day or trip planned...fixing something of mine or a project in the house (I LOVE a man who can build or fix stuff!)
My h wanted physical touch and words of affirmation. That is also what he gave me, which was not what I needed nearly as much as time with him. Don't get me wrong, I liked it. It just wasn't what made me feel most loved. H was not a doctor when i married him and when we were engaged, I literally told a friend I would "never marry a doctor; they have no time for family." Fast forward 5 years and boom, married to a medical student. And have a baby...
So, figure out how you have been showing her love in HER love languages or if you have been, and that will help guide you. But make the changes real b/c you believe in them. If you are only doing this to get her back
she will not trust it, and it won't last anyhow.
Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Yeah you're right, she would probably take it as I'm trying to hard to show her my changes.
But on the other hand I feel it would show her i am changing.
see anything revealing about this^^^??
I guess this shows it's more about me trying to validate my changes to her instead her seeing them or wanting those changes.
To me it shows that these are not authentic changes in you. They are tactics to get her back. Not the same thing.
And anything (even sincerely) done in just a month of time, is not something to expect a reaction from. Your timeline is simply way way too fast.
Have you heard that "this is a marathon, not a sprint"?? Because it is.
As for changes, here's the "math" of it. consistent change + sufficient time = change she can believe in.
Take that ^^ in and repeat it to yourself if you need to.
As for words of affirmation, are they hard for you? If so, that's an area for you to work on b/c they are "free" and relatively easy to do.
But IF & when you compliment her - you do it and you somehow reveal that no reaction is expected.
"That dinner was great. You're a creative chef." And then you pick up some dishes and move to the kitchen; you don't stare at her for reciprocity or effect.
The Five Love Languages is a book that talks about how we give AND receive love and it can be 2 different languages. We may give love in a way we don't really feel from another. I was not big on getting gifts but I liked getting them for others. Even small things.
But what makes me feel loved are acts of service and time together. A day or trip planned...fixing something of mine or a project in the house (I LOVE a man who can build or fix stuff!)
My h wanted physical touch and words of affirmation. That is also what he gave me, which was not what I needed nearly as much as time with him. Don't get me wrong, I liked it. It just wasn't what made me feel most loved. H was not a doctor when i married him and when we were engaged, I literally told a friend I would "never marry a doctor; they have no time for family." Fast forward 5 years and boom, married to a medical student. And have a baby...
So, figure out how you have been showing her love in HER love languages or if you have been, and that will help guide you. But make the changes real b/c you believe in them. If you are only doing this to get her back
she will not trust it, and it won't last anyhow.
Make sense?
Her love language is physical touch, and a year and a half ago or so when she tried talking to me the one time about how she felt a lack of intimacy I took it as she felt bored of the love making. I handled it poorly at first cause I felt she wasn't happy with our sex life, so I kinda gave her a cold shoulder for a day or so as I pouted in self pity. But what I've come to realize is that I was way off, she felt the everyday LITTLE parts of intimacy was lacking. She needed more longer hugs, more passionate kisses, just more physical everyday touch. I can blame myself for not understanding exactly what she was telling me was lacking but on the other hand she also did not communicate clearly what she meant when she said she felt the intimacy was lacking. So as I attempted to spice up the love life by doing different things in the bedroom I thought I was correcting the issue she had but I was way off, and the fact that she never brought it up again led me to believe I made the necessary changes. All the while she was continuing to build up little pices of resentment along the way.
And I just want so badly to tell her all these things that I've come to realize and reflect on, but I know it would fall in deff ears at this time. After the first week she left I tried to explain all the things and asking her why she wasn't willing to try and her response everytime was "I'm just done"
I really want to send my W the casting crowns song broken together, it's such a powerful song to me. I'm sure it wouldnt be received well and would probably fall in the category of self loathing, and would only push her away and be considered pursuing. Idk I just have a strong urge to send it to her.
I know exactly how you feel. For over a year, I've wanted to send the OM a douchebag via Amazon. I keep resisting, but I don't think I can resist much longer.
Well I had a moment of weakness today and asked the W if she cared to join me for a slurpee at 7 eleven after she got off work. (She loves slurpees) her reply was "I'm sorry. I can't". Idk why I asked cause I knew the answer, but she is meeting me tomorrow cause we both have to sign some documents about terminating our Ivf program. So she's fine meeting when it comes to tying up lose ends but not a casual meeting. Again I know it's only 4 weeks so I must pump the brakes
Her love language is physical touch, and a year and a half ago or so when she tried talking to me the one time about how she felt a lack of intimacy I took it as she felt bored of the love making. I handled it poorly at first cause I felt she wasn't happy with our sex life, so I kinda gave her a cold shoulder for a day or so as I pouted in self pity. But what I've come to realize is that I was way off Well, very much so. I'm hoping you can see that your reaction was precisely the opposite of what she needed.
She told you of an unmet need of HERS - and you felt attacked and so you punished her.
Now hold on, don't think I'm saying you're a moron and the worst h ever. I"m explaining to you, HER Possible view point. And a source of pain and sense of rejection for her.
Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Her love language is physical touch, and a year and a half ago or so when she tried talking to me the one time about how she felt a lack of intimacy I took it as she felt bored of the love making. I handled it poorly at first cause I felt she wasn't happy with our sex life, so I kinda gave her a cold shoulder for a day or so as I pouted in self pity. But what I've come to realize is that I was way off Well, very much so. I'm hoping you can see that your reaction was precisely the opposite of what she needed.
She told you of an unmet need of HERS - and you felt attacked and so you punished her.
Now hold on, don't think I'm saying you're a moron and the worst h ever. I"m explaining to you, HER Possible view point. And a source of pain and sense of rejection for her.
Make sense?
I completely understand that now, but like I said at the time she didn't fully explain what she was talking about and I didn't ask either. I just assumed she was talking about the sex and not the everyday intimate things she was actually referring too. I'm not blaming her either for that cause she isn't one that likes confrontation so it was probably hard for her anyways to come out and say that. All these things I really want to talk to her about and it's just too late. That's the saddest part of all this. Why didn't I see this or understand this before she became a WAW? I guess I was so oblivious because we got along so well 99% of the time and she continued to reassure me of her love for me all the up till he last few days
