My wife and I have been together for five year, married on 9/15/15. On 6/2/17 She decided to tell me she wants a divorce. Up until yesterday I had been attempting to follow the 37 rules and failing. I was an emotional rollercoaster. Then I finally go in to see a therapist and got some help.
I have made many mistakes in our 5 years up to and including physical abuse. I have not lapsed in that aspect for over 3.5 years. She says I was emotionally abusive in the way I talked, the tone of my voice. There was always something I did wrong or forgot to do. I accept my faults and the failure of the marriage is mine for not listening better to her need and wants.
On 6/12/17 I was able to follow the rules. And my wife lost it. "This isn't how you were yesterday, you were so emotional." "Why are you talking like that?" I have been making sure the house is spotless and then I and D4 and D6 go do stuff all day.
When I got home on 6/12/17, I didn't say anything at first. I let her initiate. While staying calm and happy and speaking in a neutral tone I responded to her. She slowly got angrier and angrier. Eventually she started throwing and breaking things. Did I go wrong?
One part of the argument is she is flirting with another man. Nothing has happened but she likes him. He now claims to have no interest when I informed him that I existed. "If she will cheat with you, she will cheat on you." She has no ideas that I know the extent to which she was pushing to date him. I never bring him up, she does.
Another part is that I am willing to discuss the custody of the children atm, nothing else. I won't because I have a layer appointment today.
And finally, my complete reversal of attitude. Yes, before I found this site and even after, before the lessons started to sink in, I was a sad sack, please don't leave puddle of mush available at her beck and call. No more. I informed her that the D is her choice. I am giving her what she wants and she is losing her marbles.
Any advice is appreciated, because I love this woman with everything I have and more.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Up until yesterday I had been attempting to follow the 37 rules and failing.
The 37 rules aren't something you do for a few days and then abandon. You've got to stick to it, you're in a marathon, not a sprint. Be patient. Don't expect your W to change her mind overnight simply because you started following Sandi's rules. Your W will initially see everything you do, every change you make as a trick to get her back. She won't start believing you've REALLY changed until many months from now, assuming you can stick with your changes.
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I have made many mistakes in our 5 years up to and including physical abuse. I have not lapsed in that aspect for over 3.5 years. She says I was emotionally abusive in the way I talked, the tone of my voice.
Sounds like the abuse continued throughout the M. Sure you may not have struck her physically in 3.5 years, but you struck her emotionally which is just as bad. It sounds like maybe you're not owning that emotional abuse (IE, "she says I was...") First step in changing is to admit and accept your faults.
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On 6/12/17 I was able to follow the rules. And my wife lost it. "This isn't how you were yesterday, you were so emotional."
See above, she thinks you're trying to trick her. Stay the course.
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When I got home on 6/12/17, I didn't say anything at first. I let her initiate. While staying calm and happy and speaking in a neutral tone I responded to her. She slowly got angrier and angrier. Eventually she started throwing and breaking things. Did I go wrong?
Probably not, but she's just in a very confused state of mind right now. If she's used to you yelling at her and you don't, that's just going to make her angry because again, she thinks you're trying to trick her. Just remain calm, tell her you're sorry, you're getting help and you are working on yourself.
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One part of the argument is she is flirting with another man. Nothing has happened but she likes him. He now claims to have no interest when I informed him that I existed.
Don't talk to OM. That's controlling behavior, and it will just look like "more of the same" behavior to her.
I understand the rules are long-term. To clarify, I attempted to use them and kept failing. I was not able to begin using them because of the state I was in.
I believe my wife about the emotional abuse. I never saw it, I still don't. However, she explained what I was doing that she thought was abuse. And it all had to do with how I talked to her in normal conversation. She said I would get a "tone". Well, one change I have made is that I am forcing myself to talk slower. Probably not noticeable to others, but it is to me. I do it so that I can control how I speak and make sure there is no attitude in my speech that I don't want.
I plan to stay the course if it takes years. I love this woman and it hurts not to be able to do anything as I watch her break down.
Whenever we would have an argument, I always fought and often failed at yelling at her. Sometimes it was in response to her yelling, sometimes I lost it. As a bi-polar who has been off my meds for 10+ years I thought I was fine. The therapist I saw on 6/12/17 said i was not. I have new meds, plus Lorazepam for the short term to get me over the mountain i am climbing.
The OM and I will not be in any further contact. He went through a similar situation and has no desire to be involved. Whether she moves on with him or not, it is not my business. I personally believe he had the right to know and I have dropped it.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I fought through the physical with my wife's help. I know why I am the way I am in that regard. My next appointment is on 6/26/17 and I will see what happens.
It sounds like your changes have been noticed, just difficult to believe at this point. These changes need to be made for you. They need to be long lasting and sincere. Prove that to yourself and anyone else through your actions, not your words.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
