Confused As Hell

[cdubbs]

Mediation day tomorrow. We went over mostly everything and have agreed. Split custody for the kids which I wanted more than anything other than keeping our family together. Have started to slowly detach. I'm not going on the trip with her but going to take my kids to the beach for a few days. The house is almost ready to sell. We still plan on living together temporarily until we get settled.

I still have hope for reconciling down the road. I want to use this time to really focus on myself. I've been doing a lot of reading and personal development which ha helped. I'm going back to school for my MBA in the fall. My wife did mention on a few separate occasions about the changes I have made and how she has noticed, so that felt

I haven't had the sky is falling panic in the past week for which I'm grateful. At times I almost feel an inner peace in re: to my situation. Thanks for reading.

[doodler]

Mediation day tomorrow.

cdubbs,

I remember my mediation day; it was anticlimactic. There was a lot of sitting around and waiting. Be sure to bring some reading material. Lunch was provided; a local restaurant delivered it and the food was great. (In addition, I had a really cute lawyer so she was a nice distraction.)

Good luck!

[AnotherStander]

Hi cdubbs, it seems like things are moving VERY quickly towards D. You mentioned that you called to make plans for mediation, are you driving this or her? Typically the DB advice on this is DO NOT HELP. Let the WAS do all the work. If they ask you for some info, or to fill out papers or something then do it. But don't push things through yourself. Frequently if you can remove pressure from your WAS then the D they initially tried to rush through will sit on the shelf. If I understand correctly, it's only been 10 weeks since BD? That's not very long.

I still have hope for reconciling down the road. I want to use this time to really focus on myself. I've been doing a lot of reading and personal development which ha helped. I'm going back to school for my MBA in the fall. My wife did mention on a few separate occasions about the changes I have made and how she has noticed

Awesome! Sounds like you're doing quite well and have the right mindset. Just stick to it!

I haven't had the sky is falling panic in the past week for which I'm grateful. At times I almost feel an inner peace in re: to my situation.

That's good, but don't be surprised if you backslide from that, it's normal. There will be times you feel great and times you feel horrible. It's all part of the grieving process. Sounds like you are doing really well though!

[cdubbs]

Yes things have moved rather quickly. I spent a good part of that time with pursuant behaviors and honestly still do but am working on backing off. I know part of her reasoning is she wants a financial separation in case I have another manic episode. My wife is type of person who will make a decision in her head and stick by it, then will readjust afterwards. I've always admired that----until now. I don't think there is any slowing of the train unfortunately. Thanks for your thoughtful comments.

[cdubbs]

We had the mediation today or something like it. We had pretty much agreed on all the terms and just needed a lawyer put it into a document and file it. Nearly [censored] myself. Over the phone I was quoted a price of $75 and told today it would be $3500. Based on what we needed we got the price to the original price of the mediation. The document will be written up as a separation agreement not a divorce, but the understanding is that this will be the terms of the divorce once we are settled in new town. I'll chalk that as a small victory with a little more time on my side.

Interesting conversation on the car ride. Wife asked if I was excited. I told her not terribly, was she? She replied yes and no. She said she still loves me and wants to remain in a relationship but I didnt treat her seriously when she said I had a last chance in the R. She said she has been working hard the last 2 years on our M and feels I started 2 months ago (All true). I try not to put much credence in her words as she has been all over the map since our separation started.

I dont feel as bad as I thought I might have. I expected to feel like moping around but have kept busy with house projects.

I think it's time to detach like a MF'er and start working on me hardcore. I'll still see her frequently because of the kids but I will try not to initiate any phone calls, texts, or conversations.

I'm still as hopeful as ever and getting a better feel of how I should steer my ship. Thanks to everyone who has replied and to everyone who has posted in other threads. I appreciate all the advice and I am ready to surrender my way. Wish me luck.

[cdubbs]

Just finished reading... I really have a lifetime struggle with dealing with emotion. I'm a classic bottler and push it all in. I spent the better part of 10 years drinking and drugging myself into a stupor partly because I did not know how to emotionally express myself. My emotional IQ improved after sobriety but I was not prepared for a marriage with children.

I had a very hard time being 100% open with my wife. Some things that bothered me, I let go because that is what I thought men were supposed to do. It is what I saw my dad do, and I followed suit. The bottling of emotions led to resentment building in me and my wife.

There is a great little anecdote in the book. The author tells a story about how when she was 5 years old, she was upset at her parents and decided to run away. She packed a bag and left. She walked down the sidewalk of her street until she reached a major intersection. She was told by her parents that crossing this street was extremely dangerous and she was never to cross without an adult present. Instead, she decided to continue on the sidewalk and walked in a circle for hours. She passed her house frequently while "running away."

Moral of the story: "We all do this in one way or another. We walk around the blocks of our lives over and over, obeying rules that are written, implied, or simply imagined, getting hooked by ways of being and doing that dont serve us. I often say we act like wind up toys, repeatedly bumping into the same walls never realizing there may be an open door to the right or left"

That's my ass to a tee. Reminds me of the mouse anecdote by MWD in DR or DB. i frequently try the same ineffective strategy over and over but I push harder. I always think my problem is effort but it is really strategy.

I'll be rereading this again shortly, so I'll pull out any more good things I think would be applicable.

[cdubbs]

Next on the personal development list ->... I always wanted to delve deeper into mindfulness and meditation. One of my big issues is being present. I am in my head a lot, whether it be going over some to do list, thinking about what needs to be done, thinking of what I already did, etc. Probably Bipolar related because when I went of my meds it really picks up and makes it hard to communicate effectively. I'll be reading the book in conjunction with doing guided meditations.

Goal: I will meditate for at least 15 minutes everyday for 8 weeks.

Expected Outcome: Greater capacity to live in the present, moment to moment and take steps to achieve inner peace.

Relationship Front

Has been fairly tame and cordial since the meeting to get legally separated. I think I have been doing a better job of detaching. If I do something for her, I no longer have been looking for any acknowledgement, good or bad. We still talk multiple times a day, but I have not been initiating unless it is related to the kids or appointments. We still make each other laugh and i am still the person she calls first with any questions or if she has news to share.

I try not to read into anything and continue of my self improvement journey. Its been hard to GAL with the kids and getting the house ready for sale. I'm thinking of going skydiving. I have a huge fear of heights and I'm not really a fan of planes. One of my pillars of improvement has been living with and accepting fear. I do not want to be controlled by fear. What better way than to freefall from a plane in the sky, right?

Busy weekend lined up. Not sure if I'll be able to post. I want to wish a Happy Father's Day to everybody. Hope you have a great one.

[AnotherStander]

I'll chalk that as a small victory with a little more time on my side.

Absolutely! Even if it comes to D, a lot of times people think D is the end and it's time to throw in the towel but as a lot of us are fond of saying D is "just a piece of paper". In fact a lot of times the WAS doesn't feel truly "free" until after D. I've read and heard many stories (some were my friends in fact) where reconciliation didn't start until after D, sometimes well after.

Wife asked if I was excited.

I remember my W telling me early on after BD that she thought BD would make me "happy"! She thought I wanted out of the M as bad as her. Shame on me for making her feel that way. Sounds like maybe there's some of that in your W's head as well.

She replied yes and no. She said she still loves me and wants to remain in a relationship but I didnt treat her seriously when she said I had a last chance in the R. She said she has been working hard the last 2 years on our M and feels I started 2 months ago (All true). I try not to put much credence in her words as she has been all over the map since our separation started.

It sounds to me like that was a genuine expression of feelings from your W. Just remember, at times like that you LISTEN and VALIDATE. Even if you don't agree. "It sounds like you were frustrated that I didn't treat you seriously, I'm very sorry I made you feel that way." That statement is validating without agreeing. You're acknowledging her feelings. And THAT will make her feel like you've suddenly become Mister Sensitive and Compassionate (well, over time if you do it enough). People here used to say that when they were having convos with their SO they would try to picture AnotherStander on their shoulder whispering in their ear telling them what to say to validate, LOL! Hey, whatever works!

Good job on reading and keeping yourself busy, of the newer sitches I've read since popping back on here YOU are the one that seems best in touch with DBing. Stick with it!

[cdubbs]

AnotherStander, thanks for the kind words. I think I'll be placing you on my shoulder.

Frustrating day today. My manager asked to speak with me today in her office and when I got there upper level management was there. At that point, I ask whats going on. Manager says my performance has slipped the last couple months (I would agree) and they believe I'm using drugs and alcohol (Big jump). I ask what drew them to this conclusion and they give three very weak reasons. My drug and alcohol history is well known because I have worked here for 10 years. I've been sober for 8. I fought hard to get where I'm at. I felt any other employee would have been pulled aside and maybe spoken to and asked if anything was going on. I got the 0 to 60 treatment.

Long story short. Pulled from work, drug test and breathalyzer, and they would not let me drive home. I will be paid for any time missed once they get the negative tests. I'll be drafting a letter to the CEO and the head of human resources. Luckily, I probably only have a month left working here before I move. Great way to send off someone who put a decade of work in.

Silver lining - I used to dread being asked to pee in a cup. My urine was probably radioactive 10 years ago. Now it's no worries. Plus, my wife was really great when she heard the news. She had my back and was very supportive. It really meant a lot to me. I'm going to enjoy my paid pseudo-vacation. Hopefully, it'll take a bit for the results to come back. Have a good night. Time to work on that meditation.

[DDJ]

Silver lining - I used to dread being asked to pee in a cup. My urine was probably radioactive 10 years ago. Now it's no worries. Plus, my wife was really great when she heard the news. She had my back and was very supportive. It really meant a lot to me. I'm going to enjoy my paid pseudo-vacation. Hopefully, it'll take a bit for the results to come back. Have a good night. Time to work on that meditation.

Hey cdubbs, the thing about silver linings is that we don't see that the whole cloud is silver, or is that grey... no its silver if you say its silver. I like your positivity.

I have found that if you can find the good in the bad, then there is no bad. You're going to be single soon, finding yourself, learning to become a man all over again and so many years sober. YOU HAVE A LOT. Appreciate the second chance you've been given, and most importantly, appreciate what you no longer have ;-)