Quick update- H just postponed for 4th time. He texted and said he has a meeting Monday A meeting? OMG A MEETING?? WHAT?? Well, that's very very important.
It's probably a meeting with God...
so it looks like he'll come late Monday or Tuesday. One sentence with no punctuation etc.
how long will this possible visit last, possibly?
I think it's probably best that I don't respond just yet. I'm not mad, just don't have any bright, cheery thing to say. well, what's to say? I'm sorry Leah, but really, what - is - there - to - say?
Your h is not ready to reconcile, but he perhaps wants to be.
I'm more worried about you piecing, as I think that is far more difficult. Get yourself ready for that If it comes to that AND IF you want to,
but perhaps more importantly, get ready for Not piecing or reconciling - b/c that way you are okay no matter what. Better than okay.
Okay?
The good thing is, at least now it won't interfere with my girls weekend.
Enjoy your girls weekend!!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I think it's probably best that I don't respond just yet. I'm not mad, just don't have any bright, cheery thing to say.
Good job!
How about a positive spin on it? "Well, on the bright side, now your visit won't conflict with my girls weekend. See you soon!"
I say that while in full agreement with 25 above. He's not where he needs to be. But, for me, if this is the first time your H has done something like this, that's okay. He's on his path and you're on your path and maybe those paths will join up.
He's not doing what he's doing because of your lack of worth. You are worthy. We all love you and we don't even know you in real life
The best thing for LeahSue, and for her H (should he succeed in his path back) is for LeahSue to be strong, healthy, and focused on making her life great. She's no one's victim, and that attitude is true empowerment. And if H doesn't make his path back, then LeahSue still has a great life. Win/win.
Thanks all for your encouraging words. If only I could see my own situation so clearly, and always live up to what I'm telling LeahSue to do. We're all human beings, and sometimes it's easiest to see the path from entirely outside the situation.
Thanks Cadence and 25, my faithful virtual partners in crime..... (said with a very full heart!) I'm off to the girl's retreat. In another life, we will find a way to have virtual friends actually meet up and what a string of conversations that would be! Last night I was reading some posts over on the surviving divorce threads, and came across one that JuJu wrote about her STBXH. I got so caught up in her story and I have sought her out today and asked her to skim over my thread and give me some feedback from her perspective. Not sure if you are familiar with her story, but the way she describes her H's abrupt leaving, can't find signs of OW, distancing, then months later come to discover he has a serious problem with drug addiction..... got me to thinking. I don't know if I ever verbalized this on here, but one of the first things both of my two grown children suggested was possibly that in this wild, exciting, fast paced big city life/job, H got caught up with some fast paced people and began to do what they do- well, you get the picture. NYC, Wall St., heavy drinking crowd, plus the newness of it all going to his head, not to mention the stress of the new position and responsibility..... anyway, we eventually sort of dropped that idea. But now I wonder about hard social drug use...... I hope JuJu can give me some signs maybe to look for when I see him in person. Hard to make a guess since I'm not around him. Anyway, I'd love to know others' thoughts on this.
Bottom line is, really doesn't matter right now- it could matter a great deal later, but first things first, gotta get him to Alabama b4 I can pick him apart. JUST KIDDING!
Everyone have a great weekend!
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
Thank you for the nice things you said on my post. I have read you're posts and you seem to be a very sweet woman and I am sorry you are here.
When I read through your posts, I didn't see the similarities between your husband and mine. You're husband seems to temperature check. His responses were different. His interactions are different.
I wish i had hired a private eye in the beginning off my situation. It would have saved me in legal fees to know what was going on. It took me 2 years to find out.
These were my signs that I don't believe are the case with your husband. But you should look for.
We never had money and it didn't make sense. When I asked him about it he deflected, argued evaded. We are both educated professionals but moved in with my parents because I believed we needed to save for a home.
1. He depleted tons of money from his IRA for the last couple of years. If you were filing jointly this would be easy to see.
2. Credit card debt that made no sense. (Hard to find out if your name is not on it. Mine was not) frequent purchases from liquor store was also revealed.
3. Unexplained cash withdrawals. My ex was taking out a minimum of 100$. Per day. But would go to sketchy neighborhoods and withdraw 800 to 1000 1 or 2 times a week. He was leaving work to do this. And basically lying about where he was going to me. (I went through years worth of his bank statements to learn this)
Before he left...
1. Always running on errands that made no sense and came first no matter what.
2. Could not wake up in mornings. Alarms would be blaring for hours. He missed picking up our son from preschool 3x because he slept through alarms and I was at work.
3. Constantly in the bathroom.
4. IBS issues. A fibs in his mid 30s.
5. No empathy for me. I was pregnant and had a surgery to remove cancer. He woke me up early to watch our son at 7 30 am because it was my turn and he needed to sleep.
6. Supposed workaholic but never had a raise. I thought he was consumed with work and never wanted to bother him. (He now lives with his mom and she is under same impression) he acted like work was high pressure and stress and he needed to stay up to finish projects or go back to work cause he forgot sonething.
7. No interest or passion in anything.
8. In hind site, he had developed a friendship with this guy (was really nice) that had no job, same issues with sleeping late and classic druggie type of guy.
When confronted
He didn't deny. He denied an affair. He admitted to an alcohol problem with depression. He agreed to supervised overnights with son. He refused a drug test.
If you were first dating a new suitor and he was treating you the way your ex is now, would you consider him a serious contender? Would you chase and pursue him? Would you hang around and wait for him to change?
From reading your posts, my guess is no. You have a sense of self worth and independence. This is who your husband is right now... a guy that's not treating you very well.
The good news is that you have the choice to keep waiting, and trying to point out to him and rationalize to him that he's not treating you well or to say, "hey, I have no room in my life for someone that is not treatinng me well and through my actions and mindset, not appeals to him I will demonstrate this"
I think in the name of marriage, and commitment we bend over backwards to appease these people who have already divorced us in their minds. Their actions indicate they are divorced. If he truly valued you, he would not be treating you this way. (This does not mean that you do not deserve to be valued, just that he for whatever reasons does not right now)
He already cheated on you right? He is not seeking forgiveness and ways to make it right. He is not pursuing you. He is being polite and amicable for whatever motivations.
We can psychoanalyze him all we want and explore the whys . (I do this all the time) But the truth is, he is not a partner to you anymore and it's time to detach, mourn, and move forward.
It takes 2 people to work on a marriage. He's no longer vested, or you would know it. So if you can accept that, it will be much easier. Many of us on these boards cannot accept that and we linger in limboland. It's not a nice place to be.
And if he does come around, you need to be in a place where you can truly evaluate why you would want to be with someone even capable of betrayal or abandonment. In a few years, this might not be something you can forgive. But right now its early and a bit of a shock and you are not on equal playing terms. Someone told me this when I first signed on here as Julie "he is not a unicorn"
No, JuJu, you're right. I've thought of this several times. If he and I were just beginning to date, no way would I tolerate for one second this treatment.
Sometimes I forget just how much support I DO have, from all of you, from my sister, from my 5 special girlfriends, and even my new neighbor texted this morning saying, Today's the big day, right? Praying for a great week for you. I texted her back and said he canceled. She showed up 10 minutes later at my front door with her 5 mo. old grandbaby (who she keeps during the day) and just sat and chatted while I soaked up some "baby loving". We have plans to do some day drinking when baby's mama picks her up at 2. So much to be thankful for, that I cannot afford to waste time being sad.
What I haven't told anyone though (well, except you guys) is that since H's email is still copied to me from back when we owned the business together, I got a change in his itinerary email where he's re-scheduled the flight to Monday, June 19th. He hasn't mentioned this to me, just said he had to cancel (b/c of more meetings!). So I wonder if I should just not let on that I know, and have plans to be out of town. I'm not sure that prolonging this visit will prove anything except to stall a face to face meeting. But it might feel good just to have other plans.
At some point, enough is enough.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
So now I come on here to just make a post, and here you are Ownit! It really is a small, small world.
So...... today I went to do meals on wheels, and of course, got put right back in my place of thankfulness, if only at least until I get back home.
No, seriously, this sweet little lady FINALLY makes it to the door to accept her meal, and she says, straight out, "I don't feel good today." And I'm thinking, you know what, sista, neither do I... but whatever, of course as the people pleaser, I say, What's wrong, Miss Mattie And she says, "These people are trying to take my house. I'm 89 years old, and I don't bother NOBODY." So I said, "Miss Mattie, who is trying to take your house?" And she says, (very dramatically, might I add?) "....that fat man." So, what is one supposed to do with that? I'm thinking, you know what???? WE ALL HAVE OUT CRAP TO WORK OUT. SOME OF US JUST NEED TO DIG DEEPER. SO I AM APOLOGIZING FOR BEING SAD SALLY ON HERE, B/C IT COULD BE SO MUCH WORSE.
OK, stepping down off my soapbox now, to make room for anyone who wants to step up.
JUST SAYIN'- I MIGHT be going to just have a small, stiff, drink and reflect on all I have learned/been reminded of today.
GOD BLESS US ALL.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
