Dealing with Affair

[MoveFrwd]

I said 'I know you don't agree with me contacting the OMW, but I think I did the right thing. I needed to send her some proof so the OM wouldn't lie his way out of it'. I then said "I know I violated your privacy by copying the texts - but you violated our marriage'. I then started going on about how she doesn't understand how this has been for me because she is so caught up in her own emotions. She hung up on me.

I haven't responded to her because I'm so angry. Anyone have any thoughts on this?

To me, it sounds like you are still doing so much scorekeeping. This was right vs. this was wrong... I did this but you did that...

Lose the scorebook. You both feel like you arent being trusted....you both feel like you are being violated...

By defending your actions, youre putting yourself on a different level from her. And you wont be able to have any kind of productive talk if you are acting/showing that you feel 'above her'.

[Newguy2]

You're right Kaizen. It's so easy to slip into 'scorecard' mode. I think it's been very difficult for me not to feel like I'm on a different level from her. I feel like I'm carrying so much on my own and trying to help her with her load. So when she suggests that I'm not doing something right or how something I did hurt her - I jump right into 'what about me?' mode.

Reflecting back now that I'm calmer - we just fell back into old patterns. One of us brings up an issue, the other gets defensive and throws something back - we then start throwing slights back and forth until she leaves/hangs up. Then I calm down and try to re-engage conversation, but she is pissed at me. I then feel guilty and apologize until she shows some sign that she is less angry... whether I did wrong initially or not.

Unfortunately we continued to text back and forth bringing up all kinds of issues. Her points are not feeling like she can share her feelings with me, feeling resentment that I express that she has a hard time managing her emotions, that her intent was to bring [the text to sister and OMW] up and move forward so we can be closer, her thinking that she's being perceived as 'needy' or 'clingy' and also themes of her being 'a good person and wanting a relationship with someone that wants her'.

My points are how understanding and supportive I have been to her and how I don't feel I receive the same. How there is nothing wrong with 'wanting to work on a relationship' when the other person doesn't want to/is ambivalent (her worry about being perceived as 'clingy' by my sister). How much I still hurt with all of this. How I think she has deep issues that only she can fix - and I have my own issues that I need to work on.

Again, like Kaizen said... we got into 'scorecard' mode. Is there any way for me to help her to understand? Am I getting too caught up in little things? I just feel like there are red flags going off that this relationship is not going to work. Maybe I need to just ignore them and try my best to be the best man I can be? Or maybe I'm looking for reasons to leave, but I'm afraid to leave and I'm afraid to hurt her?

I can see why other people on here are going on 6 months, 1 year, 2 years of this. I don't think it will be that long for me - because I believe my wife will feel like I'm 'beating her up' and leave me if this continues too much longer. Her friend was telling my wife that she doesn't deserve what I'm putting her through. I don't think the friend is trying to hurt things for us - just doesn't know how else to support my wife.

[Newguy2]

Just to update - my wife and I had a very good conversation and really defused a lot of the anger we were experiencing. I didn't apologize for anything that I did or said - but focused on pointing out negative cycles we keep getting swept up in. She agreed. We both agreed to try to notice the cycles and work together on finding ways to stop them early.

In working on our relationship - we have a long way to go. I need to work on forgiveness and letting go of the affair. This doesn't mean I will automatically trust her, however, I need to let go of bringing up the affair every time we have conflicts. I also need to get my mind focused on working on the relationship... I need to give this a fair shot. Focus on myself and get fully into making myself happier in my life (with my wife and on my own).