As I mentioned before, wife and I are supposed to go on a weekend trip July 28. Is below a flawed way of thinking?
Just go and see what happens. I haven't been alone with my wife for probably more than 3-4 hours since October. I do plan on continuing my detached state but plan on speaking to her if she speaks to me. Hey, her A was wrong. No argument. But You admitted that you had let yourself go and got into a rut, etc.
You know your best self was not shown to her and that her AP IS SHOWING HIS BEST SELF albeit on her dime...
why not be your best authentic self? (Start with the visible things like looking your best)
Who did she fall in love with before all the constant school work and job demands?
Let's get that guy back, b/c he's real and he's you at your best.
Our marriage fell apart because of me detaching so that's kind of hard. I was thinking maybe I should go since hopefully Ill be in a stable state of mind then. My plan was to go and see how its works out. If nothing, then Ill just have to go dark after that.
Um, so you are letting her do all the heavy lifting again?
She does not know if she wants to be married to you. So what's with repeating the same old behavior that helped get you here? People DO get past affairs, (Esther Perel has a great book - & TED Talk video on "Infidelity" and what they mean, etc. Very Useful before you decide anything else down the road -as in you can watch now but decide LATER ON....
Look, I'm all about dealing with the pain of the A at some point and rebuilding and the very hard work of piecing but not now.
You are not there yet.
You want a reconciliation, or at least you hope for one. That will take hard work to get there and
THEN to address the underlying issues in piecing...(Glad you are seeing an IC!!)
I worry that you might be acting as if she will magically cure herself of unmet needs you admit were not met, so it'll seem like more of the same on your end. Plus, just hoping and waiting is relatively easier than deciding to do X or Y... I am not advising pursuit. More like an upbeat interesting GAL detachment. Like 'Hey,whatever is going on in your life, yeah, whatever I OTOH am learning and growing and becoming the man I was meant to become " (If she shares a problem of hers, NOT related to the r or AP, let her see the bonds you do have, from which something can be rebuilt, perhaps_)
I'm talking about you being a guy who brings something to the table other than his needs, a guy with his $hit together - fake it till you make it (Amy Cuddy has a TED Talk video you would benefit from, btw. Positive psychology and so does Sean Achor -very worthwhile)
I'm saying you have to SHOW HER with new behavior, that the marriage would be different/better than before.
Right or wrong, the possibility to change the m must come from you. For now
I was thinking that as an internal deadline. I wont tell her that of course.
As told by Kaizen don't do it. At the moment I agree but was wondering if my counter has any legs or just wishful thinking?
not getting the reference. Sorry
Also did you say you got a DB coach? They're very helpful & very specific for the unique aspects of each situation.
While there are universals in heartbreak and grief, there are also, always, unique pieces b/c we are unique individuals married to other unique individuals with our own stories.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Wsh, thank you. Those words are reassuring. Complete no contact prob wouldn't work bc of my sitch. I will look up those videos, no idea they had them. I'm more of an audio guy so hopefully they will have those.
25, you always come in clutch with words when I need to hear them. Maybe I'm not as crazy as I thought:)
The W leaves tomm for Mexico for a week so I'll have more time to reflect on a plan. This past week has been a little easier than anticipated but I found my emotions are starting to become muted. I seen W yest at her family's house and it was as if I couldn't care less if we reconciled. My emotions took such a beating, I guess they need to be recharged. Also, my younger brother was sentenced to 18 months jail last week leaving behind 3 small children so maybe that affected me a little as well. I did go to the NCAA baseball super regional last night and played golf today so I got out and had some fun.
W did mention yest that her only stipulation on going in July was not to bring up AP bc he's a good guy. I just agreed and said yeah no problem.
M 1.5 years, her affair was before 1 year T 7 Years
Dale, sorry man, I have to agree with a couple of others, here: OM is a low-life scumbag predator who saw no problem with pursuing a married woman. Such people are below contempt. I wouldn't agree to any such thing. "Good guy?" Lol. Waywards (SMH)...
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
Hoosjim, I said yeah ok bc my tank is empty. Trying to use my little energy to get myself backup. That convo came up bc she said one of my friends was rude bc she unfriended my wife on fb. So I asked w, what does ap friends think? She said they say it's ok bc AP has been in love with my wife for years. I was trying to win a lame argument so I just said yeah ok lol
M 1.5 years, her affair was before 1 year T 7 Years
" (If she shares a problem of hers, NOT related to the r or AP, let her see the bonds you do have, from which something can be rebuilt, perhaps_) 