WW won't separate

[Tread]

You sound exactly like me right now. Now that I'm aware of my flaws that I have worked on in the R. Now I realize my W is just as bad if not worse. And it bugs me, because my instinct is to fix things. Especially if I'm well aware of a solution to a problem. And there was even a brief moment where I wondered if I had somehow outgrown my W due to my behaviour and goals improving. And her basically getting worse. Found myself having to shake those thoughts away. Just keep focusing on yourself. The woman you used to love is somewhere in there engulfed in a fog.

[resolut]

Hi Tread,

It's good to know you have the same struggles. I felt like my W was accusing me of war crimes during our BD confrontations. Now though I could easily accuse her of many of the same flaws, especially negativity. I know a lot of this is super enhanced in her because of her fog and delusion. She's a long way from the woman I married for sure.

Why shake those thoughts away? Shouldn't that be part of your own discernment?

I am very close to deciding I don't want to save the M. I don't know if I ever want her again. She so into the OM that I'm grossed out most of the time. And in all her actions she is just moving away from me. She carries around two phones now because I kicked her off our plan.

How long are you giving yourself Tread? How does anyone decide this?

[PEW1974]

No one can say how you decide this. Only you can will know when you have had enough. I find myself seeing my W differently now. She is still engulfed in her feelings for the OM. She tries to hide it now as to not upset anything at home but I am aware of what is going on. I try not to ficus on it and keep myself at a reasonable emotional distance. I do find it hard sometimes as I see her trying to open up more to me but I am unsure if it is just to keep me interested. I do find myself more and more possibly not wanting her back because I have been working on myself but see the same woman and all her same issues. I do know we will never work if she doesn't change and at the moment I don't see that happening.

I am sticking to my deadline for my own sanity and will see what happens then but I refuse to keep myself in this situation as it currently stands. All I can say to you is detachment has been the key to survival. Without it I was still focusing too much time and energy thinking about my W. I wish you the best and will keep following your stitch.

[resolut]

Thanks PEW.

I just don't interpret anything. It is hard to do but it helps avoid pain. IT all goes in cycles. My wife will open up to me occasionally and soften but I think its more of a place of just returning to the place of 25+ years that is familiar and safe to her. I don't think at all she's returning to the MR.

I feel much better now that she's off my phone plan and the temptation to check her activity is completely removed.

I'm working on more boundaries like that and essentially more 180's. We've had a few confrontations where I've expressed that I want no part of enabling her A. I need to get back to the basics though and above all just focus on me and not at all be concerned with whatever my W is doing.

[resolut]

Journaling:

The last few days have been rough. W left overnight a few days ago and it was great to not have her around and just be with the kids. Today she is seeing a L finally after a month. I'm hoping there's some movement in the process one way or the other.

Met with IC yesterday and she was challenging me about why I'm not pushing this along and getting my life back together. I think she sees that I'm a wreck and living in this state with a BS is hurting me. She's right.

Vacation coming up next week. Looking forward to being away from my WW. I'm thinking about the possibilities and upgrades to my life right now.

[resolut]

Not doing well. I'm not detached enough or I'm regressing. I'm doing all the wrong things when I know better. I'm trying to engage my W in a conversation about our MR this weekend and each time she just shuts it down. She refuses to say a thing about it. She won't even acknowledge it's over. I know I'm pursuing and it's totally the wrong thing to be doing but I want something from her even if it is to tell me it's over. I'm not even getting that.

[Henwen]

I empathize. I want an answer from my WH as well. But I'm not pushing for an answer since I don't want him giving me one I don't want to hear. Although if he sincerely thinks it's over and that is what he actually wants then he owes it to us to end it, so we can both move on. When I get the way you are feeling and want to talk to him I just remind myself that it's my insecurities speaking. Not me. And i walk away from my phone and find something else to do. So I don't contact him and argue. It's super hard. Because I want him to know he's hurting me and the kids with this behavior. But he knows. I don't need to drive that point home anymore. I wish you luck. And strength.

[resolut]

Hi Henwen,

Yes we are very much the same on this. I would welcome a conversation from her even if it was "I'm done and I want to file"

I have to interpret the stonewalling from her as some ambivalence \.

You are stronger than me, but since I'm also living with her she's a constant reminder to me that I'm still in love with her and I haven't let go. I'm back at square one I think.

[Jim1234]

Just remember you're not alone; lots of us are dealing with the same issues.

[resolut]

Just started the day/week with a big fight. I broke every rule again. I was aggressive in the fight. I didn't listen. I didn't valid. I am angry. I am hurt. I want her to open up and talk about where she is.

All these things were wrong and she pushed way back from me. I am pushing her away.

What's the point of me holding out the olive branch. Why do I try to validate her feelings at this point. I have not received any validation or empathy from her since her A started.

Sorry I'm venting but had to get these feelings out. Things are taking a turn for the worse.