Happy belated birthday, G! You are entering a great time in your life
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Thank you, thank you! I sure hope this time is better than all the others!
So, I upped my Ad's myself. And it is helping a little. I am functioning better, getting stuff done, not so tired all the time and my mood is a little better. I hate that I went from being off of them to double the dose, but I gotta do what I gotta do.
Waking up in the morning has been a little rough. A little bit of anxiety washes over me but leaves quickly. it sounds dumb, but my best part of waking up was his good morning text. Asking me how I slept. Wishing me a good day. Looking forward to seeing him at the end of it. I miss that. Like I said, we had a good friendship. I don't think I mentioned.....at my bday dinner with D9, out of no where she hides her face and then looks at me with this scary face that FF used to make that used to freak me out. he was teaching D9 how to do it. It literally came out of no where. She hasn't mentioned him 2 weeks..... I guess maybe he was one her mind a little too.
The good news? I am super busy, catching up on the things in my home and life I sacrificed to have a relationship with him. Those sacrifices were worth it, but I might as well catch up now. I have been building a Match profile. Haven't signed up yet, but I have to muster up the energy and courage to go online and deal with it. I played with it a little last night. Maybe soon I'll get the cojones to sign up. I haven't had much online luck, but I am due for a little. I start volleyball in 2 weeks and I am excited and nervous about it. Nervous because I am doing it alone but not with a friend. I'll usually try something new or put myself into a new social situation, but with a friend at my side. I am flying solo on this one. But it should be a good time.
I also came across this book in loneliness while I was googling some stuff. It is written by a woman feels loneliness if a condition, and it is not to be confused with depression. There is an online excerpt from her book and I couldn't believe how much I can relate. She felt the worst of it in her 30's. She was an only child (like me) in the sense that her older siblings were much older. She was like me, with a great group of friends, sociable, always trying to be around others, but still had that sense of loneliness. If I think back to childhood, even with friends, I felt a sense of lonliness. She views human connection like I do. Connecting on a certain intimate level makes it meaningful and less lonely. She did end up meeting someone, but ended up in an isolated state again by moving to the middle of nowhere with her partner and losing other connections in her life.
Anyways, I am going to order it. Maybe I'll understand myself better and how to combat this in a healthy way.
I feel like I have been fighting all my life to overcome something. Something outside or within me. I do plan on taking sometime to love myself as I am instead of constantly trying to "fix" myself. But I think this book might just be relatable anyways.
That's my journaling/rambling for the day. This afternoon is D9's 4th grade picnic. I get to leave work at lunch and it's a beautiful day.
I'm glad you are feeling a bit better today. Maybe your AD's needed to be upped just a wee bit and it appears that they are working.
I would be interested in your comments about the book you are ordering and planning to read about loneliness. I'd like to add it to the "Highly Recommended Reading Material" thread so that others can order it too.
Ginger, go and have some fun today. Picnics can be a lot of fun and you never know who you might meet there. I hope it's a good day for the picnic and your daughter has a lot of fun too.
Last edited by job; 06/08/1707:11 AM. Reason: corrected the spelling of a word
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Don't push the Match thing too early...heal a bit first. you want to be fair to anyone you meet. Hey, and don't be one of those ladies on Match who put up a profile, don't pay and therefore can't reply. I hate them lol!
Don't push the Match thing too early...heal a bit first. you want to be fair to anyone you meet. Hey, and don't be one of those ladies on Match who put up a profile, don't pay and therefore can't reply. I hate them lol!
Guilty as charged on the Match thing. I put up a profile and didn't pay. They are all gonna hate me.
Job, right you are on the AD thing. It helped, and I said I would do almost anything just to feel better, and this wasn't a huge sacrifice to feel better. I did well off of them when my life was going pretty smoothly. Kind of sad I need them when my life gets rocked so hard, but I realize how many times I've been broken and haven't used them, I'm just needing a little help these days.
I will definitely let you know about the book. it looks really interesting and relatable to me.
I did have fun at the picnic. The kids played the parents hung out, I love watching her interact with her friends. They all got yearbooks and signed them too. After we went to target and did some shopping. My nasty ex comes to the house to pick her up, asks if he could use my bathroom and then tells me as he is leaving he left a present for me and farted. Divorced and still have to smell his gas. I went to the gym and then came home, read and went to bed. Tonight is chaperoning the 8th grade dance.
Two funny/not so funny stories. I was in traffic on the highway on the way to work and a guy in a truck almost rearended the guy in front of him trying to flirt with me. Everytime he caught up, he would wave and smile. He was pretty cute too. I needed a self-esteem boost.
Then a chart I reviewed was a married man who went to Europe on business and got a massage with an oral "happy ending" he came in to the ED absolutely terrified he got an STD and thought he was going blind. I think guilt took him over. He will never be doing that again!
My mind has been spinning less and I have been a little less sad and much more like myself. But this morning FF was the first thing on my mind as I woke up. Guess it's just me missing him. And that is OK to do.
Then a chart I reviewed was a married man who went to Europe on business and got a massage with an oral "happy ending" he came in to the ED absolutely terrified he got an STD and thought he was going blind. I think guilt took him over. He will never be doing that again!
This reminds me of a really sad case, early in my career. It was the late 80's or maybe very early 90's - definitely long before we had any treatment for AIDS. Saw a patient in urgent care, a nice businessman in his late 30's, he and his wife had adopted his orphaned niece and nephew, nice family. Turned out he had thrush; I ordered an HIV test on him as he had no reason to have thrush - it was positive. He'd been on a business trip to Bangkok and had had sex with a hooker there. I was the one that had to tell him he had AIDS.
Hello my friend. You crack me up...and your ex is still as as$.
You know, I dont believe in putting labels on things. Like...was it love...or not..or whatever..
You are sad. You miss him. It succks. You feel as you do. But here's the thing. You keep trying to rush yourself through your feelings. And you keep analyzing them.
Now as you know, I think.... a lot...about all sorts of things. My feelings included. Why I feel as I do and all of that.
But I have learned when I am sad about something..to give myself permission to just feel it. Not identify it or try to snap out of it. Just to live with it for a bit and to know it's ok to feel sad.
When it gets to be a problem is when I allow myself to live there. It's when I allow myself to see that there is something wrong with me because I feel what I do.
You felt something for him. He led you to believe he did, too. And for once, you dove in. You may have had some reservations, but, you jumped. G...I know how huge that is for you. Cuz it would be for me, too.
And because you did, you were vulnerable. Now for people like you and I, that is in a whole different class than it is for most. Because of how we have felt abandoned our whole lives. You let down your walls and your self protection and you just went for it.
And then when it ended...all those feelings came back. Are you good enough? Why do people keep leaving? What did you do wrong? Those feelings are our comfort zone. We know real well how to feel that.
It will take some time for you to find your center again. Because he knocked you off of it.
I wish I could tell you this wont happen again, but, I cant. It may. The thing of it is..is that you have weathered the toughest of storms and came out stronger when your marriage ended. And you will get there again because of who you are and what you are made of.
You werent wrong for going for it, G. Because if we dont take those chances...we dont grow. We may miss out on something amazing.
He has to erase you because he knows he didnt do the right thing. Easier to just forget you then to face that fact.
But I dont care about him...I care about you.
I understand what you mean about lonliness and about always feeling as if you are trying to overcome something about yourself. I feel the same things. Hard to put into words. I hope the book helps.
But the most important thing you wrote was this...love you as you are, instead of trying to fix yourself. Look, we are all a work in progress and we should all try to improve the things we want to improve. But at the end of the day, you have to believe that you are worthy.
You are loved so much by your family and friends. You are strong and beautiful and a great mother. You are warm and loyal and kind and funny.
And those things are what matter...the other things..the things you may think need improving...just arent that important. Because it's those things up there...that make you...you.
