Dealing with (stuck)? MLCer many years later

[elfie]

Hi everyone!
I came posting here many years ago when I was in a very bad shape after my H left our home suddenly in the usual MLC fashion. It took me 2 years to realize what hit me and a few afterwards to come to terms with the situation. For years I was at a loss for words as I was processing my pain and this is the main reason that I couldn't keep posting. I kept reading other people's posts however and I must admit that it helped me preserve my sanity as I could see I wasn't the only one living such a nightmare. I owe a huge THANK YOU to Michelle and to the many of you who have unknowingly soothed my pain all these years. You people have definitely been my lifeline all these years. Through your posts I was finding answers to my questions and relief to my anxiety. Huge fan of posters such as Beatrice, AntoniaB, LoisB, Wenikitiki, RosaLinda, Job 25yrsMlc, 2Times2Many, Mighty, Lour, and many others whose stories have touched me deeply and feel them like close friends. I have always sent my prayers and good thoughts to you as you have been in my mind more than other people in my real life. I love you all and wish the very best for all of you! (to be contd).

[elfie]

To make a long story short, 8 years ago, (seems like yesterday), my H announced he was leaving me after he had brought me home from the airport. I was coming back from a trip I had taken visiting our then 17yr-old daughter who was in school away from home. He had pointed at a letter on the couch telling me that he was explaining everything in the letter. And he left. Not far mind you. Just 15 minutes away. He had set up home in his office which was a regular 2-bedroom apartment, which in time he had equipped with everything needed for a comfortable lifestyle. To say I was shocked is an understatement. I did all the wrong things of course, crying, pleading, etc. He would hang up on me, refused to talk, etc.

In the letter there was the script: Unhappy for years, he deserves happiness, he didn't feel appreciated, he loved me but he couldn't live with me, etc. I am not claiming there were no issues in our marriage. There were. But they were the kind that could be overcome with some communication, which we didn't have. Running was his preferred mode of dealing with issues that involved emotional exposure and he has burned a few bridges in his life including the ones with this mother and father.

[elfie]

Sorry I'm writing this in chunks but I have to dig through the maze of memories and events and try to avoid too many details.

So my H had to burn the last important bridge of his life, the one with his wife and children. It was fortunate that when he decided to leave both of them were at school away from home and they were spared the experience of watching my falling apart and their father's madness. Our separation was announced to them in a civilized manner 2 months later when they came back home for the summer. Two weeks after he had left I managed to pull myself out of the dark tunnel of grief and despair after I allowed myself to feel the anger. It was the acknowledgement of my anger that made me stand on my feet again. My refusal to feel victimized. And then bomb #2 came. I found out there was an OW. Not just any other OW. Somebody I knew socially and who was pretending to be my friend. She had taken advantage of his depressed state that had long preceded his departure and she had befriended him behind my back. The rest you can guess. It came as a ton of bricks on my head. That I was unable to handle. From hurt you can heal. How do you overcome disgust? Our marriage -with its flaws- had been a long one. There was a lot of love, respect, total devotion from both of us. Looking back, somewhere along the road prolonged stress with life's problems but most of all another factor which I will elaborate on more later made us lose each other.

Familiar theme. We had the love but not the tools to fix it. I remember my H gradually morphing into someone else. The MLC thing appeared as an explanation after our children and I watched him becoming obsessed with his appearance, changed his tastes, was acting like a teenager, spent money like there was no tomorrow, etc. All in all I was riding a roller coaster for a long time trying to understand what he was doing and why.

[elfie]

When I told H I knew about OW he was enraged, he repeatedly denied it and he eventually admitted that it had been just a fooling around thing. He also said that he just needed time and space and that he would come back home. He said the same to the children. I made every effort to suppress my anger in front of him and he started coming by the house taking care of things, taking the dog for walks, etc. He would come over for dinner and fall asleep in his chair in front of the fire. Then he would wake up look at the clock and say he'd better go home because it was late. This hurt. At the same time he had stopped contributing financially to any expenses, he only gave daughter a monthly allowance the amount of which he himself had decided. When I asked him that I needed money for son's uni expenses he would either tell me to sell something or ask son to get a job. Son was attending a very demanding program at one of the top unis, he was already in a work-study program, he also had a scholarship but he still needed help for living expenses from us. Well, I had to provide the money from my own resources because obviously I was the only adult parent he had. The same with my daughter. We had 2 children and my H was taking care of 1/2. I was providing for the other 1and 1/2. Nice. He had more money than me at the time. Money which he was squandering taking trips abroad with god knows who every time, living the good life etc. Any time that I asked him for money for the kids his answer would be to sell gifts he had given me in the past or any other asset he thought I had. He made it very clear that he didn't want any responsibility any more and I eventually withdrew because his indifference hurt. I stopped inviting him for dinner or including him in family events. What bothered me most is that I realized that he had become very competitive with S. I couldn't take all this emotionally.

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board.

Glad you can share your story.

So where are you at TODAY?

[Cadet]

Here is your previous thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...842#Post1977842

[job]

elfie,

Mlcers will become competitive w/their children. Why? Because their inner child is what is coming out right now and doing the things that he/she needs to do to resolve those unresolved issues from so long ago.

I wouldn't say another word about the OW. The mlcer will lie and tell you things that they think you want to hear, while all the while hooking up w/this other person. Of course, the mlcer lies to them as well.

His visit to the Mother Ship is going to take a long time. This is not a sprint, but a marathon. You didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him or make him wake up. The best thing you can do is live your life to the fullest and dial down those expectations because he's not a mature man right now and he's only thinking of himself in a very selfish, self-centered way.

So, what have you been doing to help you get through this rough time? Are you focusing on you and your children? It's been a while since you last posted and it would be nice to hear something about how you are doing as well as what's been going on in your world.

Please continue posting. Don't be a stranger.

[peacetoday]

Thanks for posting Elfie

How is your H now?
Has he made any progress?

I see that you never D

[elfie]

Thank you Cadet and Job.

I rode the roller coaster for quite a while until I realized that if I didn't get off fast I would end up hospitalized. Yes Job, I focused entirely on my children and tried to detach as much as I could. It wasn't easy to detach and it took a long time but I eventually managed to get to the point that I wasn't curious about his life and his whereabouts. I had a job, a few good friends, 2 fantastic children and I learned to face life's challenges by myself.

TODAY I can say that I am at the point that I make plans about the future which might involve even relocating to another country for work if need be and accept anything new that life might offer me - theoretically at least. I say that because as of lately I have started feeling very sad about H's situation. He has managed to self-destruct. His crisis has taken a toll on his health and finances. I can't help but feel sad for him. This was a man that worked very hard all his life, he loved us with all his heart for so many years and now he has become a shadow of himself. I am beginning to have a problem with dealing with this.

I had mentioned earlier that there was a major factor that led H to turn into an alien before bomb drop. Apart from his estranged mother's death of which he was informed 2 years after it happened and with whom he never had any closure, his father's alienation from him due to his 2nd wife's interference, our son's leaving for school very far away from home at an early age and some other personal issues, I believe that what actually led him to leave us was the extreme support he got from a religious group he had joined some years before his crisis escalated. This group led by a priest (who became H's much needed father figure) could be described as inclined towards a more rigid and fundamentalist view of Christianity but what had bothered me most from the beginning was their behaving more as a clique in which one was accepted as a member and their shameless acceptance of members' money - a lot of money.

At this point I must clarify that we live in a European country and this is not related to a U.S. situation. So, there you go. A nice lethal cocktail. My H had tried to find his answers in religion but had to bump into the wrong group. The priest encouraged him to leave his family because as he said: "They don't need you". "Your children will soon be adults and follow their life and you should leave your wife so that you don't end up hating her". Must mention here: I never became part of the circle and the priest didn't like that. Also, I had married my H in a civil ceremony in the U.S. both of us intending to have a church wedding when we came to this country but we never got around to it and I never felt it was something of such extreme importance. Well, the priest didn't like that either -I couldn't be manipulated obviously - and started cultivating ideas in my H's head that I didn't love him, that he was worth more, etc.

Unfortunately, I had never suspected of such an outcome. I had felt glad that my H had found spiritual "guidance" and comfort in the church. And I had not realized the connection with the money. I did after it was already late.

I know the OW or any OW was just a band aid during his foolish attempt to escape his pain but the major damage was done by the "cult" he was and alas he still is a member of.

Over the years I watched him become something close to a religious fanatic. My H betrayed his family for a priest and his inner circle. All in the name of God. How can you fight that?

I want to make it clear to all, especially the religious folks, that we are not dealing with a normal situation here. It's more like a closed club with initiated religious fanatics and there is a lot of money coming in for the "salvation of the soul". Who cares about ruined families and abandoned children. God will provide for them.

[Gordie]

Elsie,

Thank you for your sharing your heartbreaking story. That last bit about your H's priest is ghastly. I am a Christian and am so outraged to hear how a member of the clergy could encourage a man to leave his w and children! A wolf in sheep's clothing. So glad you have recovered and moved forward with your life for you and your children.