In the end that is all we can do. The decision to come back to the M and try and work on things has to be a choice/desire made by her otherwise it feels empty to me.
She knows how I feel and there is nothing more I can do but make up my mind as to not be a part of the situation any longer. I must remove myself as the back up plan and let her sink or swim based on her choices. I can no longer support and protect her as that only comes with us being in a M. This in house separation must come to a head if it is going to get better.
I no longer fear the worst as I have already been living it anyway. I know now I can not lose what is not there. Maybe it will start to snap her out of it and maybe not but I realize now it will must hit the bottom before it can move upwards.
resolut I no longer fear the worst as I have already been living it anyway. I know now I can not lose what is not there. Maybe it will start to snap her out of it and maybe not but I realize now it will must hit the bottom before it can move upwards.
Those are wise words about no longer fearing the worst. I think one of the first things you have to do is face your fears about D and losing your S. When you are living in a fear state you cannot function or detach properly. i remember feeling much better when my attitude became like yours, realizing I lost my W a long time ago and I needed to move on and not think about the outcome.
Being separated but living in the same house at least has the advantage that things can be sped up for better or worse, but it is excruciating.
Me46 W46 M25yrs T29yrs 4 children ILYBNILWY 1/30/17 PA confronted 3/6/17 Separated same house
So my W continues to go out 1 or 2 times a week and while our situation has improved between us I really can no longer live like this. My question to all is should I stay the course and keep working on myself (180s) and GAL or should I talk about physical separation. I know it may push us toward a D but even with detaching from the drama, this is no way to live and it would be so much easier for me to move on with out having to be around it.
At a crossroads and do not know how to proceed. I was waiting for my D17 graduation party coming up in 5 weeks but I find myself starting to feel like it is almost not worth fighting for anymore. Is this common for LBS? Should I stick it out or should I take our in house separation to the next level? I am confused right now and as much as I love my W and want our M to get back on track I just don't know if the current course of actions is ultimately going to get me to that goal.
My question to all is should I stay the course and keep working on myself (180s) and GAL or should I talk about physical separation.
PEW,
The course you take is something you'll have to decide for yourself.
When my marital issues began, my wife (now XW) convinced me that she and the OM were "just friends" and that I was just jealous. We went to three MC sessions and then she stopped going. I continued with the MC (who became my IC) and the MC confirmed what I'd felt the entire time; my wife was having an EA. As soon as I realized I was no longer the number one guy in my wife's life, my words and actions changed dramatically.
The one thing that my MC said that really resonated with me is, "Look, this is how marriage works; if one spouse doesn't like the other spouse's friend, then the friend has to go." If I ever get married again, that will be in the marriage vows.
Just reading your last paragraph doodler, my MIL said the exact same thing as that. In a marriage, if one spouse doesn't like a friend, the friend has to go.
Just reading your last paragraph doodler, my MIL said the exact same thing as that. In a marriage, if one spouse doesn't like a friend, the friend has to go.
It is a good line for sure. The problem is when the accused S doesn't take this seriously enough. This is where my marriage went off the cliff and I became disrespected.
PEW, I don't have much advice for you since as you know I am stuck in similar circumstances. I am deciding to stay with the in house separation for a while and I cannot really explain why. It is not because I have hope of saving the M. I can tell you that it helps me to have several goto things to help me in dark times. Focus points. They are all very personal and God or higher power is at the top of my list. Take some time to develop things that help you cope and walk through the dark moments that you face. I wrote a personal statement (resolution) to myself at one point that I read sometimes.
Me46 W46 M25yrs T29yrs 4 children ILYBNILWY 1/30/17 PA confronted 3/6/17 Separated same house
Thank you all for your replies. I do know I need to figure this out for myself. I guess all these feelings come with the roller coaster ride of emotions we are all on. I am going to sleep on it for a few days and really think it through before I decide.
One thing I can tell you is that nothing is going to change in the next five weeks unless you grow a set and say "W I will not continue to live in an open marriage. If you continue to disrespect me and our marriage you can pack your bags and move out and be with your BF whenever you want".
You must be ready to be congruent with your words.
So here is the latest in my stitch. Wednesday my W went out with a single mother who lives in our town and I woke up right before she got dropped off at 1:30 in the morning. It was a man that dropped her off so at this point I realize I am done in this whole situation. I spoke withe her the next day and told her I can no longer live like this. She asked so what should we do and I said I that she should move out and she said she had no place to go and she wasn't going to leave. Since I can not force her out I proceeded to tell her that I think it is best If I leave then.
She asked where would I go and I told her I am not sure but I have a few options. She asked if I would be staying with family and I told her at 43 I am not going back to live with my parents. She said she would want to know where I would be living and I told her she doesn't need to know that. She then said could we still go out and do things and be friends which I replied I am not looking for a friendship. I said we can be civil about coparenting but that would be the extent of it.
She then had nothing else to say and was just silent for the next 2 minutes so I said we will discuss the finances and visitation schedule next time we talk and then I said I have to go. I had plans yesterday anyway so I was not going to cancel them. I went out had as good a time as I could given the current situation. I got home a little after 12 am and went to bed. I have been in no contact with her since the talk a day ago and to be honest I have this deep sadness but at the same time I feel and know that I will be alright.
I have pulled myself out of this limbo, hit the bottom and now I can start building my life back up. I don't know what the future holds but I could not go on with how my current life was going. I am sad yet excited about finally having a direction in life. I still love her but I need to move on for my own sanity. I can no longer protect her or support her lifestyle choices. I am taking my life back.
I know this probably doesn't go with the DB principles but I know when I have had enough and I have had enough. I thank everyone for their advice on these boards and I hope for the best in their situations. I pray that they go better then what mine has turned out to be. I will keep everyone posted in what happens over the next few weeks.
