Betrayed Spouse

[LH19]

Id say I get along with my ex relatively well; we can be in the same room civilly, but it's been essentially completely NC for a few years with the exception of co-parenting talk.

Sorry for the hijack Dale.

Kaizen,

With your ex and you being civil and you being in a new relationship, why are you strictly NC with exception of co-parenting talk?

Thanks!

[Ginger1]

Id say I get along with my ex relatively well; we can be in the same room civilly, but it's been essentially completely NC for a few years with the exception of co-parenting talk.

Sorry for the hijack Dale.

Kaizen,

With your ex and you being civil and you being in a new relationship, why are you strictly NC with exception of co-parenting talk?

Thanks!

I am not answering for you, Kainzen, but I wanted to give some perspective from my sitch.

My ex married his AP and we both have moved on. We have a daughter, so we really only contact about coparenting stuff and we could ALL be together civilly. We do so for sporting events and the such.

But NC for us means we do not call and ask how each other is doing. We aren't friends. We are civil for peace and for our daughter.

So, I wouldn't say we are no contact, but by Kaizen's definition, we are no contact except for coparenting. Which to me means, we aren't friends. He is not someone I would ever want to be friends with.

[dale165]

LH19,

Hijack away! Maybe I can get some useful info from yall talking than me talking. I'm very hard headed with little to know results thus far:) Finally got beat up enough to leave it alone for awhile.

[MoveFrwd]

Kaizen,

With your ex and you being civil and you being in a new relationship, why are you strictly NC with exception of co-parenting talk?

Thanks!

My ex married his AP and we both have moved on. We have a daughter, so we really only contact about coparenting stuff and we could ALL be together civilly. We do so for sporting events and the such.

But NC for us means we do not call and ask how each other is doing. We aren't friends. We are civil for peace and for our daughter.

So, I wouldn't say we are no contact, but by Kaizen's definition, we are no contact except for coparenting. Which to me means, we aren't friends. He is not someone I would ever want to be friends with.

Id say I agree with this. Why would I want to be friends with someone that shows no remorse for lying to me, cheating on me, etc, etc? The kids deserve for their parents to be on speaking terms, they are too young with too many awesome life events still to come to need to worry about having their parents in separate rooms all the time. That doesnt mean I want to go on double dates or anything like that.

[dale165]

To all the great people here, thank you for your replies and advice. Been 5 days of detachment. Last Friday was our 7 year anniversary, made it tough but I'm getting better. Since Im a math guy, I would put my healing at 3%. If I kept going the way I was, I may have been sent to a psych ward (joking but who knows, I was almost there). I was forgetting how to do menial tasks. Hard to even get a constructive email or post done. In my 30 years, I never suffered any kind of loss. No family, friends, or relationships since she was my first one. I was clueless and still am to a degree. My mind was constantly filled with trash such as how can I embarrass them? I need to jump on dating websites to find out who's left? Why me? I've done some embarrassing things through this. One glaring example would be I spent almost all day going on any website and seeing if my wife's login/pw combination worked. I found some crazy stuff. Stuff I wish I could erase.

My relationship immaturity has shined through this. Even though what my W has done is despicable, she is still my wife and I need to show her some respect. I decided not to give up on my M but I have decided to let go. When I say I couldn't do it anymore, I really couldn't.

She is going to Mexico for 7 days this week, couldn't have happened at a better time. She wouldn't be able to talk anyways.

[Tobias]

My relationship immaturity has shined through this. Even though what my W has done is despicable, she is still my wife and I need to show her some respect. I decided not to give up on my M but I have decided to let go. When I say I couldn't do it anymore, I really couldn't.

That resonates with my commitment. I took a vow. I am not insane that I believe we will guaranteed be together forever. But I said in sickness and in health. I have always been better when she needs me to be there for her (except two days ago but I need to forgive myself as it didn't ruin everything, nothing had even started really). She has acknowledged that and maybe if I am not pushing her to think about the M while she figures out if depression is a real threat here (she says it is, and it is OBVIOUS from her erratic behavior).

I did the same with checking websites. I downloaded Tinder which was new to me haha... turns out she just used OKcupid but whatever.

[dale165]

Just thought I'd update on my detachment:

Its been a week now of detachment with exception of reviewing my wife's resume. I helped her out for a new job. This has been hard and somewhat easy at the same time. I ran myself in the dirt pursuing, checking texts/emails, and snooping. Its hard bc I miss my wife but somewhat easy bc I had nothing left in the tank. My life has become miserable, constant obsession over this A and AP. I looked at myself in the mirror and seen a 30 year old with baggy eyes due to no sleep, barely shaved, and just sloppy looking. Haven't smoked in 7 years and I find myself buying more and more packs of ciggs. I had enough. I called my old IC and made some appointments. I actually wrote down a list of goals and short term things I neglected over the months.

The good news is that my relationship with W hasn't gotten any worse. I fully understand that these goals and changes should be for me to feel better about myself and improve the quality of my life. The W recently said she is sorry for all this and she wishes she could be doing the exciting things she does with AP with me. I do believe her to an extent. On paper, there is no comparison between me and AP. Wife got the attention she needed so I will leave her be and let her figure it out. During my snooping and as she alluded, looks like she been footing the bill for their fun. Once adulthood comes back into play, good chance she will have her awakening. If not Ill be ok regardless.

[dale165]

And if anyone has any advice:

As I mentioned before, wife and I are supposed to go on a weekend trip July 28. Is below a flawed way of thinking?

Just go and see what happens. I haven't been alone with my wife for probably more than 3-4 hours since October. I do plan on continuing my detached state but plan on speaking to her if she speaks to me. Our marriage fell apart because of me detaching so that's kind of hard. I was thinking maybe I should go since hopefully Ill be in a stable state of mind then. My plan was to go and see how its works out. If nothing, then Ill just have to go dark after that. I was thinking that as an internal deadline. I wont tell her that of course.

As told by Kaizen don't do it. At the moment I agree but was wondering if my counter has any legs or just wishful thinking?

[WshIKnw]

Our marriage fell apart because of me detaching so that's kind of hard.

In my opinion, you need to go light on the no contact, for this reason. Your wife sought attention elsewhere, because she wasn't happy with the amount and quality of the attention she was getting from you. Going completely no contact is just doing more of the same. She needs to see a new improved Dale. I recommend to you MWD's Last Resort Technique video series that you can watch as soon as you buy it, especially if you prefer video rather than the book. It also goes into more detail on the LRT than the book does, I think. In the video series, she explains that sometimes no contact and not pursuing should be done lightly, in cases where lack of pursuit and attention lead to your problems. And I agree.

As told by Kaizen don't do it. At the moment I agree but was wondering if my counter has any legs or just wishful thinking?

I would say the trip is a big chance for you to show your wife a new loving, attentive, and fun Dale. It sounds like she really loves you, and this other guy is just a temporary fling of excitement and novelty. She said she would rather be doing all these fun things with you. To me, that is a hugely positive statement about her feelings for you. Show her that she can do those things with you. Just don't try to do anything you aren't yet ready to do, because it's just too much for you at this time -- that kind of thing. Do what you can do to show her that you can be the man she had needed you to be. She has probably just needed to see you trying -- showing that you actually love her and care about her.

I am no expert. So, I suggest you talk to a DB Coach. And above all else, do what seems to make things better with your wife, and avoid the things that seem to make things worse, even if this goes against what people are telling you. Do what works. And remember that you are looking for baby step improvements. You've been doing this for a while now. So you understand that this isn't a quick process. Baby step improvements tend to lead on to more baby step improvements, until you are back where you want to be. It's like rekindling a fire. But know that it is a roller coaster ride, with big ups and downs.

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=dale165]To all the great people here, thank you for your replies and advice. Been 5 days of detachment. Last Friday was our 7 year anniversary, made it tough but I'm getting better. Since Im a math guy, I would put my healing at 3%.


okay real quick, ^^ this was my first laugh of the day. I have a brother who talks in math terms but unlike you, he has no math background~ Just throws out %'s all the time.
Bro means well~
Anyhow...


If I kept going the way I was, I may have been sent to a psych ward (joking but who knows, I was almost there). I was forgetting how to do menial tasks. Hard to even get a constructive email or post done.

We get it. The smallest of choices, even choices that were not necessarily triggering anything, seem hard...but worse when they trigger emotions, even indirectly.

Ex - I went to get a desperately needed filing cabinet for the enormous paperwork 35 years of memories and insurance and medical records & finances and Divorce related.....(h has the filing cabinets and ALL the paperwork but I was not in a position to get them, so that's life).

SO I "research" which filing cabinet to get...you'd think it was deciding which heart surgeon to use...but I finally (2-3 weeks later) decide on one, and I go to the store...

and oops, my car's trunk is not big enough. So I didn't get a filing cabinet. This was a month ago. My guest room "office" has piles of papers on the floor. Still. And I've been in my own place 100 days now.

The smallest of tasks, let alone emotional ones, seem too complicated or difficult.

Welcome to a barely functioning level of depression.

Know one thing; it gets better. I don't say that merely to console you, but to speak truth.


In my 30 years, I never suffered any kind of loss. No family, friends, or relationships since she was my first one. I was clueless and still am to a degree.

at age 16 my heart was broken. (To my surprise, that still counts as a top 10 most painful experiences of my life--No, no it does not hurt me NOW - but back then, I felt it very deeply & no r with another man hurt me again, till my marriage.)

By the time I was your age I'd lost a bff in a car accident and my dad to cancer.
Others who have faced loss will tell you this - in their own ways

-the pain lasts but it is not eternal - and it's deeply painful but it is not fatal.

My mind was constantly filled with trash such as how can I embarrass them? I need to jump on dating websites to find out who's left? Why me?

Grief books mention (OFTEN, almost naggingly) that one step we have to take is gratitude, or at least perspective.

Sheryl Sandberg (CEO of Facebook who lost her h suddenly) said she resisted the "gratitude" piece b/c she felt the exact opposite. She was not "grateful" that she managed laundry that day, and she was not "grateful" that she had so many good years with her h before he left (although she would not have traded those years for anything).

In time she conceded that her h's undiagnosed heart problems could have been triggered while he was driving her & the kids somewhere, and killed them all, rather than when he was alone, working out. She did cede that distinct possibility and that there was some "less than horrible/could have been much worse" dimension to her loss.

She pointed out that just getting perspective on bigger problems or worse things did help her with the one part of grief that felt self centered, the "why me?" part.

In the grand scheme of things - living in western cultures and developed nations means our problems of a broken heart might even seem like a luxury. A broken heart sure doesn't feel like a "Luxury"

but when pressed, I admit knowing most people in the world are wondering about where their food supply will come from, if their water is potable, or whether they''ll have marauding warlords in their village again, stealing their children and killing them, sometimes makes me stfu in my head.

Turning to my own community...There are so many divorces in our nation, it makes me sad to think about how many walking wounded there are all around us.


I've done some embarrassing things through this. One glaring example would be I spent almost all day going on any website and seeing if my wife's login/pw combination worked. I found some crazy stuff. Stuff I wish I could erase.


We get it. The desire for details is a strange invitation to more pain that most of us face. Maybe at some level we irrationally hope there will be validation of us - but that's just not at all likely, given the givens.

And this^^^ is something you can change and have learned from already. No more self inflicted pain, eh?


My relationship immaturity has shined through this. Even though what my W has done is despicable, she is still my wife and I need to show her some respect. I decided not to give up on my M but I have decided to let go. When I say I couldn't do it anymore, I really couldn't.

I think you're a fast learner.

Letting her go is not the same as giving up. Hope can remain - as long as it does not become attached to expectation or stagnation.

Hang in there