Stunned, thought about you last night. If you have the DR book read pages 99-100 again. Im reading a 2nd time. There's several others stories like this in the book and it shows how the pursuing just doesn't work. Not trying to beat you up at all. Just goes to show that the pursuers logic is natural, but just doesn't work in these cases.
It's tough man, I know it first hand. You seem like a good guy so I hate to see you go through this, esp the hard way. Gather yourself up and devise a plan. While you stop pursuing her, work on what needs to be worked on to make your life more pleasant. Please don't sit idle while the pursuing stops. This is your chance to prove to yourself and the world that you have something great to offer.
Be positive, you never know this could be the wakeup call you guys needed. Yall can be back stronger than before.
M 1.5 years, her affair was before 1 year T 7 Years
Stunned, thought about you last night. If you have the DR book read pages 99-100 again. Im reading a 2nd time. There's several others stories like this in the book and it shows how the pursuing just doesn't work. Not trying to beat you up at all. Just goes to show that the pursuers logic is natural, but just doesn't work in these cases.
It's tough man, I know it first hand. You seem like a good guy so I hate to see you go through this, esp the hard way. Gather yourself up and devise a plan. While you stop pursuing her, work on what needs to be worked on to make your life more pleasant. Please don't sit idle while the pursuing stops. This is your chance to prove to yourself and the world that you have something great to offer.
Be positive, you never know this could be the wakeup call you guys needed. Yall can be back stronger than before.
No you're exactly right, it's like an addiction. I keep telling myself this is the last text or the last letter or the last whatever. But seriously after the flowers to work yesterday I am done for sure pursuing her. It's obviously not working and most likely pushing her farther away. So time for the 180 and keep my word of NC
The W is coming back Saturday to try and finish packing her stuff. She asked me if I can be gone for 6-8 hours that day cause she doesn't want me here while she's packing. I agreed that I would stay away, and I guess that's the right thing to do?
So the W contacted me again today asking if I could be out of the house for 6-8 hours this Saturday so she could pack more of her stuff. I said I won't be gone that long but I would be gone for 5-6 hours and she could still pack stuff while I'm there and I wouldn't bother her. She's adamant about me not being home while she is at the house. She had ZERO desire to see me and only texts when she wants something. I feel kinda like I'm letting her walk over me with these demands for me to leave my own house while she packs more of her stuff. She SAYS she's doing that so it would be easier on ME, but I feel like it's really to make it easier on HER. Maybe from guilt or maybe seeing me she would have some feelings for me that she doesn't want to have cause it would conflict with her decision? Idk
I'm not sure I ever replied to this comment, so here goes. She never really had long term R. Her longest one was a year. She ALWAYS ended ALL of her R so maybe this is the norm for her? When something gets a bit difficult she cuts all ties and takes off in the other direction. It absolutely seems that she's completely emotionally detached and it seems to of happened instantaneously.
So yesterday and today were interesting days. I had to contact the W yesterday about our Ivf program and canceling it. Told her because we still have embryos left we will only get 50% of our money back instead of all of it which means we will still have close to 10k on the loan to pay off. I mentioned (bad idea) maybe we could go 50/50 on the payment each month. She came back with asking if I was staying in the house, I said yes and then she replied that she doesn't think she should walk away with nothing. I responded with nevermind I'll pay the loan and have a good day. I knew where this was going. She came back with well the house is worth a lot more than the loan. Back story, I bought this house BEFORE we were married and her name is nowhere on this house, so from what I've been told she can't get a penny from the house cause of that and cause we've only been married for less than 3 years. I responded that I didn't want to talk about that right now and to please have a good day. Later on when friends were telling me to change the locks and all this other crap that would probably put the final nail in hopes of ever reconciling of all people her bro texted me and asked how I was doing. He's totally on my side for the fact This is coming from a sinful heart that we all have. that 3 years ago he had this same issue with his wife wanting a divorce and he was abale to win her back. He gave me some great advice which was this. This is coming from a sinful heart that we all have. This is what most women would do. However, you can offer her grace in this instance. You need to do what's right from a Christian husband perspective and use this as a way to keep pursuing her. Even if it doesn't turn out in your favor you can sleep at night because you showed her unconditional love through this process. Ask her what she wants you to do. Sell the house? Pay her outright for what she thinks she is owed? Tell her you will listen to what she thinks she deserves. Swallow your pride and then listen to her. Of course legally she isn't owed anything but it's the fact you are willing to listen. So I sent her a text to call me when she can so we can talk about the house. She called within 5 mins of that text. She talked I mostly listened, and she basically thinks she's entitled to half the equity on the house from when I bought it which is close to 30k and asked if since I'm staying that I can "buy her out" I never agreed but just said if that day comes that you decide to go through with this we will cross that bridge when if/when we get there. After that we talked for almost 30 mins mostly about little things and I made sure to keep it light and did not talk about us at all! The ONLY thing I said at all about us was "im still not giving up on you" with a light hearted tone to it, and she actually giggled a bit after that which surprised me cause I expected a reply like I should just stop trying to something. So overall besides her feeling like she deserves money it was a good talk and I hope that maybe planted a seed in her mind that taking to me and opening up again might not be so bad. And maybe it did cause this morning I knew she wa coming over to pack more cause she asked but I was surprised that she showed up before I left. She gave me a grad card to give my nephew and we really didn't talk much but again kept it light. She asked about my new dog I got and if I was going to keep him and I said yes. Then I ended the talk cause I had to leave. I wanted so badly to just give her a giant bear hug but I didn't. We didn't even touch at all but that's fine. It was nice and hard to see her but I'm glad she felt comfortable enough to stop by while I was home. So maybe these are baby steps on the right direction idk? But I'll go back to NC now and hope that she contacts me next Friday for my birthday but we will see.
In this period, time, space, empathy, 180's. All the advice will get you through. I hope to be able to offer some perspective on where she MIGHT be coming from. I can't mind read, I can't speak for her, but having been through the same and knowing other couples who have, it is not uncommon.
I hope this helps a little
So which part are you referring to as not uncommon?
So my birthdays this Friday, and I'm just wondering how I should handle it? I'm sure she will at least text me but should I respond? Should I attempt to see if she would meet to get a drink? Or should I just cont GAL and have a fun night with friends and or family? She's been more willing to communicate since we had that 30 min talk on the phone Friday but she's still headstrong on her goal of moving everything out of the house cause she contacted me yesterday to see if she can come over Saturday to start movinng some of her furniture. But it's baby steps I guess
Hey stunned... found myself drawn to your story for some reason... I'll have to catch up from the beginning.
For your bday... no... don't ask her out for a drink. Fun with friends and fam is good. If she texts, just thanks maybe with a smiley face... nothing more.
Don't say things like 'I'm not giving up on you'... that's what she wants to hear and does nothing for you.
Keep going and posting.... read other threads. I learned a lot from reading other threads about how to respond in certain situations. Best of luck!!
Hey stunned... found myself drawn to your story for some reason... I'll have to catch up from the beginning.
For your bday... no... don't ask her out for a drink. Fun with friends and fam is good. If she texts, just thanks maybe with a smiley face... nothing more.
Don't say things like 'I'm not giving up on you'... that's what she wants to hear and does nothing for you.
Keep going and posting.... read other threads. I learned a lot from reading other threads about how to respond in certain situations. Best of luck!!
Im not sure she really wants to hear "I'm not giving up on our"? But I think you're right about not asking to hang out, but what if she asks me to hang out? Tho I highly doubt she will
