Wife moved to parents on opposite coast #3

[leahsue]

Cali,
To answer your question about another woman in my situation- to my knowledge there is no continuing "other woman". There very well could be, but our issue seems to be more about how we grew apart once we had two places to live, and I foolishly spent too much time here doing what I thought we both wanted, which was to fix this house and prepare to possibly flip it. He came to me in late December and said he's had a one night stand, and he had a lot of shame about that and wanted a separation. So as far as I know, there is no current "other woman", but like I said, if I've learned anything, it's to never be foolish and think I have the whole picture. Others on here have told me that I am foolish to think there is no current other woman, and have said that there is ALWAYS someone else, and they may be right, but I'm assuming that if that is the case, he will eventually ask for a divorce and stop talking about R. In the meantime, even if there is, there's not much I could do to change that or stop it, so I've tried to just not let my mind worry about that piece. It will work itself out.

[Cali08]

Cali,
To answer your question about another woman in my situation- to my knowledge there is no continuing "other woman". There very well could be, but our issue seems to be more about how we grew apart once we had two places to live, and I foolishly spent too much time here doing what I thought we both wanted, which was to fix this house and prepare to possibly flip it. He came to me in late December and said he's had a one night stand, and he had a lot of shame about that and wanted a separation. So as far as I know, there is no current "other woman", but like I said, if I've learned anything, it's to never be foolish and think I have the whole picture. Others on here have told me that I am foolish to think there is no current other woman, and have said that there is ALWAYS someone else, and they may be right, but I'm assuming that if that is the case, he will eventually ask for a divorce and stop talking about R. In the meantime, even if there is, there's not much I could do to change that or stop it, so I've tried to just not let my mind worry about that piece. It will work itself out.

OK, thank you for your response. I think it depends on how they are acting. My wife is acting like there is someone else involved. I at least know for sure that she spends a lot of time texting and talking to another man, which seems like the beginning of a relationship to me. My situation seems so different and it seems like what I am told to do on here turns opposite results unless I want to be divorced then it's perfect.

Of course I don't know for sure that is true, but I am only looking at what I see and what has happened. Funny thing is I was talking to a friend about things last night because he calls every now and then to ask about the situation. His wife was also good friends with my wife. They both can't understand why any of it is happening, it truly baffles them and especially his wife. They have a pact to be able to talk to one person in their life about anything in their marriage and they chose me and and my wife. Long story short my wife and my buddies wife have had lots of marriage conversations and nothing my wife is doing right now matches any thing she said before, it's the exact opposite actually. Anyway the funny thing is that my buddy and his wife both said, after listening to the current situation that they think my wife wants to be pursued. I told them that everyone on here disagree's and it's a major no no, but they stuck to that idea.

It's interesting the different perspectives you get from people.

[Thornton]

She wants to be pursued? Why move across the country and file for divorce and talk to another man if she wants to be pursued by the person she doesn't want to be with?

Ultimately, if you feel DBing is giving you the opposite results that you are expecting, maybe you should consider pursuing her.

I know not pursuing feels like the exact opposite of what your feelings are telling you.

My W has left 3x. I was able to get back with her 2x. Wanna know what did it? Complete and total NC both times. And I mean total NC (for months on end). Both times she started poking around again.

I remember feeling the exact same way as you. Wasn't I sending the message that I didn't care? What if she found someone else? How to I not fight for the woman I love?

Actually, I was showing her that I loved her and respected her decision to be away from me by staying out of her way. She wanted out and I honored that.

Remember, just because you wife hasn't come running back in the few months that you have been here doesnt mean she won't. In fact, I would go as far to say most of the reconciliations that I have seen have been after years apart.

[Cali08]

She wants to be pursued? Why move across the country and file for divorce and talk to another man if she wants to be pursued by the person she doesn't want to be with?

Ultimately, if you feel DBing is giving you the opposite results that you are expecting, maybe you should consider pursuing her.

I know not pursuing feels like the exact opposite of what your feelings are telling you.

My W has left 3x. I was able to get back with her 2x. Wanna know what did it? Complete and total NC both times. And I mean total NC (for months on end). Both times she started poking around again.

I remember feeling the exact same way as you. Wasn't I sending the message that I didn't care? What if she found someone else? How to I not fight for the woman I love?

Actually, I was showing her that I loved her and respected her decision to be away from me by staying out of her way. She wanted out and I honored that.

Remember, just because you wife hasn't come running back in the few months that you have been here doesnt mean she won't. In fact, I would go as far to say most of the reconciliations that I have seen have been after years apart.

Thanks for that insight Thornton, this is the kind of things I like to hear and seem to help the most. Anyway I am not talking about actually pursuing her. I was just relaying what I was told last night and how the perspectives are so different, especially with people who haven't been through it. After years is a long time to come back to someone, especially if you consider my situation of only being married for a couple years and she couldn't handle that! haha!

I honestly don't think I would want her back after years. How do you take someone back after that amount of time. I can understand if you had a super long history together and kids, but in my situation it would be odd I think. I certainly wouldn't wait for her for years and I am struggling to not move on now. Someone who doesn't want me this bad and then couple back after years doesn't sit well with me at all. The way I look at it is we have 6 months until the divorce is final from whenever I finally get the papers from her and that is how long she has to make a decision to change her mind.

I guess I can never say never, but that seems like it is to much time. I would like to think I would find someone else by that time too. I have gone completely dark with her since the last time she wouldn't answer my simple text. My only connection with her is when I am told by my family members that she liked a family picture on Facebook or something, which she has been doing a lot lately, which is odd to me. I just don't understand her reasoning for doing so.

[Cali08]

Oh yeah, so my mother decide to send her a text last on her own accord and sent me what she sent to her. I have told her not to text her anymore, but my mother is hurt still and a little bitter. Anyway this is what she sent her.

"You have NO IDEA how much you really are loved, how much Cali would do to save this marriage, and you are willing to throw it all away without even a backward glance. I don't understand."

I'm just glad it wasn't anything to bad, but I guess she couldn't stand it anymore. My mother really thought of her as a daughter and really misses her a lot. I sure hope this doesn't make things worse and like I said I don't want her to change her mind about having such a clean divorce. I'm a little worried that I haven't got the divorce papers yet, which she told me I was going to get 10 days ago.

[25yearsmlc]

I don't think I am projecting, but I'd be crazy not to show you how similarities in thought can get a good man in trouble.

I only know you from your words here. You share some good traits with my h - as far as I can tell from your words, you sound disciplined, intelligent and very hard working in your jobs. So is my h.

I'm not sure about your focussing skills but In my h's case, he had a great ability to focus in the operating room, partly by putting on necessary blinders. That is an excellent asset. (In real life, keeping blinders on to reach a single goal, is not so helpful). That may apply to you - or not.

The stubbornness my h showed about "needing" to work and live in Alaska,
reminds me of your inability to simply move for your wife. Because it mattered to HER.

So, Did you really read my post to you, or did you stop when it was not 100% validating or not completely applicable?

Because there was a lot of thought into that post. It included almost entirely YOUR words, and how they might sound to others or make others feel...

My goal is certainly NOT to project - but to illustrate how a man
who is highly successful professionally, very well educated, and in top shape physically, can be so off putting to those around him, including his w and children.

How those same^^^ attributes & behaviors, when presented in certain ways, can lead others around to feel badly about themselves. To turn them off.

Sure, You can say "well that's on them!!"

but when it's your wife & loved ones, maybe that's not the way to approach this. Maybe there is something to learn...


Like maybe a black & white approach to things is rigid, and maybe it is missing out on most of life, which I don't think is black and white.

Like you, my h is a very health focussed person, and sees himself as having high moral standards. As you describe yourself.

In MY Marriage, with MY H, I believe If h were faced with the truth that his wife and all 3 children felt judged & controlled by h in terms of exercise, eating habits and even the belief systems that varied from his, NOT because he demanded this of us overtly or openly ...

I'd bet a lot of money he would deny any role in this^^ if asked.

I hope that^^ sad but true vignette helps you in some way but the rest of this (below) is not at all related to my h, fyi.

When you wrote that you have "high moral standards" it did not occur to you that most of us feel the same about ourselves. It is a rare person who outright says they have low morals. (Did you mean to say something else?)

When you say you accept others "just the same", and also say you believe your own wife "felt inferior" to you, you seem to see no connection between what you project and what your w felt.

It's as if you now think she really was inferior, not that you revealed it to her, or that you subconsciously feel owed.

As if She "should" stay with you b/c you are of high moral standards and she tried (but failed??) to meet those standards even though you "never asked her to"...

The very implication that you "love them the same" is there; = you are overlooking their shortcomings while pretending that you don't see them as such.



My concern for you is that there is so little self awareness going on. You are asking those who agree with you - for more validation that this is all about her.

But Cali, why is your wife's behavior your main (exclusive) focus?

When you wrote that long post about yourself, it put a light on things you can work on in you.

Last note on projecting - here's a true example of something you can benefit from EVEN IF you are nothing like my h.

I'll say this. -
Our youngest child bore the brunt of h's long absences as she was only 8 when they began. Off & on, he missed a great deal of her growing up. I'll spare you the details, but yeah, he was gone A LOT and it was by his choice (no matter how he wrapped it).


Today she and h have a terrible r. They are not close. But she's close to me and her siblings and her cousins, she has many deeply close friendships at college.

She is also being treated for depression at college, and it seems to be helpful, thank God.

To everyone who knows the family history, there is a connection between h's long absences from home, and her feelings of distance between them. Years ago, h admitted as much. For whatever reason, he now denies any such connection, and or sees d19 as damaged goods...

I'm not projecting that^^ onto You.

I'm saying anyone who cannot benefit from the similarities in stories here, is in the wrong place.

Your focus should Not be on your w.

It should be on how you got here, and your own long post about yourself - is a good starting place to begin the real journey in life, which is an inward one.

[Cali08]

Thornton, 25year - Why haven't things ultimately worked out for you guys after you reconciled the first time. Are the changes you making not working or is it the other person or both?

[Cali08]

25year I will get back to your post later when I'm on my computer. trying to respond on my phone isn't that great at all. Real quick though, yes I always read all that you say and usually a few times and I can say that you don't always make sense to me. It's not in the way that I don't agree with your point, but that I am unclear of your point. You basically lose me sometimes and it's not clear to me. I ask for what you mean at times, but I never see a point blank answer to that question. Like the last question I asked you was what did you mean by it will be good for you in the long run?

[Cali08]

OK, so out of the blue my wife just text me. She responds to my very last text I sent her of how was your weekend and then asks a question.

Wife: It wasn't too bad I guess. Been having a lot of rain so it was nice to have a clear sky. How was the graduation?

My wife is referring to one of my little cousins that lives here who graduated high school the other day. This same little cousin is the only other person my wife has reached out to on her own other than me. They have a ton in common and got along really well and my little cousin looked up to a lot! She has been very affected by my wife leaving and was very bothered that she didn't even text her on her graduation day. Although, my wife did like all of the pictures of it on Facebook.

My poor little cousin equates my wife to her father who left her and her sisters not to long ago and has pretty much dropped out of their lives. He means well, but has no idea how to be a good father. 25year he sounds a lot like how your husband was and the relationship he has with your youngest daughter. He was a Marine and gone a lot of her early life and has abandoned it even more as she has gotten older. Im not commenting on your husband not knowing how to be a father so much, but the way you described him to me reminds me of him a lot. He is just a different kind of man.

Anyway I am going to take some time before I respond to this text, although I really feel like just ignoring it all together. I just have no clue what to say or how to respond or even why I should respond. The first thing I thought of saying was don't be a coward and ask her yourself as you should.

The other thing that went through my mind was why is she texting me at all. On one hand I am thinking maybe my mother spurred her into thinking about me and then texting, which that don't want any of that action. On that same line of thinking because of the nature of my moms text my wife is once again doing one of her little tests to see how I respond to her.

What is the best advice here. I feel that is I do text her back the best way to act is as if nothing is wrong and I am moving on. Be happy and upbeat, but not overly excited. I thinking of just saying something like:

Hi xxxxxx [censored] to have it raining so much there. We are having awesome weather here, you would love it. We are getting June gloom right now, so overcast in the morning with beautiful sun shinning day after and some sprinkles here and there. It's great for sleeping at night. Cousin's graduation was great! She is really happy. Only hiccup is she got emotional with her dad and had a heart to heart conversation with him. It turned out OK though, but she was pretty upset.

Maybe to long, but that is what I was thinking anyway. So do you guys think it is wise to respond and if so how do I respond. I ma still trying to keep the peace and do you think she is once again testing me to see how I react to her like she has done before. I feel she might be checking to see of my moms text has truth to it. Anyway any help would be awesome. Im off to the gym right now then to hang out with my brother on his day off, so I will have time to get answers back and maybe respond to her late tonight. Thanks in advance.

[Cali08]

Well the next turn of events happened while I was at the gym. She responded to my mother which is an absolute shocker!! She treated my mother the same way she treated me, but much less interaction with my mother though. She would never reach out to her only vaguely respond to my mother text. Anyway I'll recap what my mother sent to her and how my wife responded and again what my mother sent back after that. By the way before I am accused of anything I have nothing to do with this and my mother just texts me what she sends to my wife.

MOTHER-"You have NO IDEA how much you really are loved, how much Cali would do to save this marriage, and you are willing to throw it all away without even a backward glance. I don't understand."

WIFE-"It's not that I haven't taken a backwards glance at all. I am over here so you can't see what I have gone through. This was not something that just happened one day. These decisions have caused me a lot of pain and suffering and still is."

MOTHER-"Then why, (her name), won't you consider marriage counseling? Why isn't the marriage and the memories and the family and the love you shared worth the salvage? Please help me understand? I am hurting too, because you are so very special to me..... my first daughter in law, and the bonus was, you were easy to love. My thoughts keep going to what could have caused such an abrupt disconnect from all of us. I even feel bad there is no communication with your parents. I wish you could have felt you could talk to me comfortably. I wish I had known it was this bad for you. I'm sorry for any pressure I may have put on you. I wish I could have helped. Thank you for responding, (her name). I wasn't even sure I would hear from you."

My mother wants to keep up the dialog with her, so we will see what will happens. I told my mom this is between her and my wife and I am not part of it.

What do you think is good or bad about this?