I hope all is well. This is my first post, so please bear with me. I've been reading the forums for a few weeks and finally decided to join in. I really need advice as I'm likely to be served with divorce papers soon. I've been married for 9 years and have one 7-year old son. My wife and I are 44.
I'm not sure how to start, so I'll give it a go. I'll be the first to admit that I haven't been the perfect husband. I'm guilty of being moody, irritable, complacent, taking my wife for granted, and not being friendly to her mom. My wife's primary compliant is that I've got anger issues. To be upfront, I've never struck or threatened my wife or kid. What she describes as "anger" is my yelling out of frustration if I broke something while working on a project or being short and curt with her. In my defense, I'm not like this 24/7 and she has told me that I'm an excellent father. I acknowledge my short comings and have made a concerted effort to change my behavior since she has threatened to divorce me on Easter. In the past she has made casual remarks about her concerns, but nothing to indicate to me that she was keeping score or would consider a divorce. To put it simply, she never sat me down and said "Look! If you don't change your ways I'm leaving!" And she has never suggested that we see a counselor. In fact, during our marriage we never had what my friends have described as a "knocked out, drag out fight". Prior to Easter I viewed our biggest problems to be lack of communication and intimacy. Not just sex, but the absence of playful flirting and going out on dates. As many married couples know, we got wrapped up with our kid and jobs, and maintaining the romance was placed on the back burner by both of us.
On Easter, I discovered that she’s having an emotional affair with a 58-year old divorced man. To date, I don’t think the relationship has become physical, but I’ve been looking at her texts and the flirtation level has increased substantially, but not to the point where they are sexting. I know I shouldn’t look at her phone, but she won’t talk to me and I feel the need to know what she’s thinking. We tried counseling the week after Easter, but that was a failure as she used it as a platform to simply say “I’m unhappy and my life will be better without you”. I couldn’t respond to that and there was no attempt to repair the damage or work things out. She concedes that the divorced man is a “friend” and that she confides in him, but denies that she’s having an emotional affair and is adamant that she hasn’t done anything wrong.
During the past few weeks we’ve been meeting with our Deacon who specializes in marriage counseling, but it doesn’t seem to be making an impact on her. I’ve tried detaching from her. I did plead with her once or twice, sent her flowers, but that was during the week immediately following Easter. Since then I’ve given her space and have acted like everything is OK. I don't call her and text her only if it has do with our son. How do I get her to reconsider? To give my son and I one last chance? I’m afraid that she’s told so many people that she’s leaving me that there’s no turning back for her. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!
Married 9, Together 13, Divorce in Progress M: 44, W: 44, S: 7 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/19/17
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
How do I get her to reconsider? To give my son and I one last chance? I’m afraid that she’s told so many people that she’s leaving me that there’s no turning back for her. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!
Hello Teppo,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
Meeting with your Deacon may not be helpful if she isn't interested in working on the marriage at this time. She could just be checking off the box so she can say at least she tried.
Does your son know what is happening? Michele has an excellent article regarding what to say to the children. Please email me and I will send you the link at no charge, of course.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
My wife's primary compliant is that I've got anger issues. To be upfront, I've never struck or threatened my wife or kid. What she describes as "anger" is my yelling out of frustration if I broke something while working on a project or being short and curt with her. I acknowledge my short comings and have made a concerted effort to change my behavior since she has threatened to divorce me on Easter.
What specifically are you doing that is different?
What about other areas of improvement? What else are you 'working on'?
I'm very sorry for the situation you're in -- the same thing happened to me at about the same time, although I had been married longer.
Most men in your situation are *very* surprised by what has happened and seek to solve it like a math problem. If you can understand what you did wrong, you can fix whatever it is and put things right again. We like to think that things are logical and linear, if I do "A" then I get "B", but unfortunately these situations are so complicated and nuanced, there is no simple thing you're going to figure out that's going to turn things around.
The first thing to think about is to surrender to the fact that there is no easy fix. For people who are used to solving problems, that's not trivial.
The second thing to think about is that there is pretty much nothing you can do to make your wife *feel* the way you want her to feel. She can't even control how she feels about things. What you should take solace in is that she didn't used to feel about you the way she does now, so that proves that feelings can change. Just as you can't point to one single thing that changed her present feelings, you can't do a few simple things that will change things in your favor either, it's much more subtle.
Third, realize what's going on with you. Chances are that if your wife was very unhappy with you, you weren't super happy with her either. When one person leaves, or blows up the relationship, the other person is typically completely stunned and feels totally out of control. Your own complaint list tends to go out the window and you will suddenly feel "in love" again and put your wayward spouse on a pedestal.
Why is that? Why is she suddenly so much more attractive as a partner than she was a month ago? If anything she's treating you worse, not better. The reason is that losing your stability in the relationship is completely threatening and destabilizing. You're not used to living outside of the relationship. Therefore, your brain is going to try to convince you that the fastest way to regain your control over your life is to get her back as fast as possible and at virtually any cost.
This kicks off a cycle of "pursuing" where you (1) try to reverse everything you've ever done that your spouse has complained about, (2) try to beg, plead, convince, etc. to get your spouse to give you another chance, (3) write letters, send e-mails, buy gifts, etc. to "prove" how much you love them.
Despite the fact that this never works, and in fact makes things worse, your brain will refuse to accept that your efforts are making things worse, and you'll keep trying to convince yourself that you're just not doing enough, so you'll try again and again and make things worse and worse, digging the hole deeper and deeper.
This situation plays itself out over and over and over on these boards.
You said in your post that you two never had major fights, and your wife never gave you an ultimatum like "Look! If you don't change your ways I'm leaving!"
That is also very common. There's a lot of incentive to keep the peace when you live with someone, and most people error on the side of letting things pass while building up silent resentment instead of blowing something up into an argument. If your wife gave you an ultimatum like that you might say "I'm not changing my ways, go ahead and leave" and then she becomes the left behind spouse, has no leverage in the relationship, and has to fend for herself. People have a huge amount of fear in that regard, and therefore they almost never bring things to a head until they are already past the point of no return and no longer care if you don't respond to their ultimatum. At that point, it's no longer worth making the ultimatum so they just find an emotional friend, or an affair partner, or walk out the door.
The bottom line there is that as the "left behind spouse" things are much worse than you realize, and have been for longer than you understand. Therefore, turning things around will also take much longer than you can currently appreciate.
Right now your wife resents you -- she resents you for things you did in the marriage both real and imagined, things you didn't do in the marriage both real and imagined, and resents you for making her be the "bad guy" by blowing things up. She also resents you for making her feel guilty about the emotional friendship she's developed with this other man. You're the lightning rod for her resentment.
Each move you make now needs to be measured against that yardstick -- will this make her resent me more, or less? If you make her feel guilty, she's going to resent you. If you make her responsible for your feelings, she's going to resent you. It's a very slippery slope you're on.
Therefore, the very best thing you can do right now is sign up for the telephone coaching on this site and give your wife space. She's asking for space, by denying her that request, you're telling her that you don't care what she wants and your needs are more important. How is that going to make her feel?
It's crazy, crazy counter-intuitive, but the fastest way to get her back is to give her more space than she's asking for. The shortest path back together is for you to move in a straight line in the opposite direction. Distance makes the heart grow fonder was never more true than it is now.
Your brain will reject this with fury! Most people are not successful at giving their spouse space and "dropping the rope". Most people cling to their spouses leg and will not let go.
It takes an incredible amount of discipline. It's like weight loss, everyone understands that to lose weight you have to burn more calories than you consume, that's a simple concept, yet very few have the discipline to actually deny themselves of what they want to do in the moment.
Are you up for the challenge?
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I'm very sorry for the situation you're in -- the same thing happened to me at about the same time, although I had been married longer.
Most men in your situation are *very* surprised by what has happened and seek to solve it like a math problem. If you can understand what you did wrong, you can fix whatever it is and put things right again. We like to think that things are logical and linear, if I do "A" then I get "B", but unfortunately these situations are so complicated and nuanced, there is no simple thing you're going to figure out that's going to turn things around.
The first thing to think about is to surrender to the fact that there is no easy fix. For people who are used to solving problems, that's not trivial.
The second thing to think about is that there is pretty much nothing you can do to make your wife *feel* the way you want her to feel. She can't even control how she feels about things. What you should take solace in is that she didn't used to feel about you the way she does now, so that proves that feelings can change. Just as you can't point to one single thing that changed her present feelings, you can't do a few simple things that will change things in your favor either, it's much more subtle.
Third, realize what's going on with you. Chances are that if your wife was very unhappy with you, you weren't super happy with her either. When one person leaves, or blows up the relationship, the other person is typically completely stunned and feels totally out of control. Your own complaint list tends to go out the window and you will suddenly feel "in love" again and put your wayward spouse on a pedestal.
The bottom line there is that as the "left behind spouse" things are much worse than you realize, and have been for longer than you understand. Therefore, turning things around will also take much longer than you can currently appreciate.
Right now your wife resents you -- she resents you for things you did in the marriage both real and imagined, things you didn't do in the marriage both real and imagined, and resents you for making her be the "bad guy" by blowing things up. She also resents you for making her feel guilty about the emotional friendship she's developed with this other man. You're the lightning rod for her resentment.
Each move you make now needs to be measured against that yardstick -- will this make her resent me more, or less? If you make her feel guilty, she's going to resent you. If you make her responsible for your feelings, she's going to resent you. It's a very slippery slope you're on
Hey Tobias you are quoting this...but are you listening?
My wife's primary compliant is that I've got anger issues. To be upfront, I've never struck or threatened my wife or kid. What she describes as "anger" is my yelling out of frustration if I broke something while working on a project or being short and curt with her. I acknowledge my short comings and have made a concerted effort to change my behavior since she has threatened to divorce me on Easter.
What specifically are you doing that is different?
What about other areas of improvement? What else are you 'working on'?
Kaizen,
Thanks for your reply. Aside from giving her space, I've worked on my "anger" and I've been able to keep it in check. I'm also working hard on being a more positive and confident, although it's hard when my world is seemingly turning upside down.
Married 9, Together 13, Divorce in Progress M: 44, W: 44, S: 7 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/19/17
