My DB coach told me something that made it easier to go NC. She explained to me that when I wanted to talk to my WAW about something, it was about me putting what I wanted ahead of what WAW wanted.
I wanted to be validated. I wanted her to understand me. I wanted her to regret her decision. I wanted her to understand the pain she was causing. And so on.
What my DB coach told me was that she wanted me to understand the pain I caused her. She wanted me to give her space. She wanted me to let her go gracefully. She wanted me to understand her.
The more I tried to get what I needed, the worse it looked. The actions contradicted the words. Maybe my words could be "I'm sorry I didn't listen to you or give weight to what you were saying during our M", but if this is said in the face of her request to not have R talks then the very fact that we are ignoring her request and having an R talk proves that you care more about your need for an R talk than her need for space.
Once I really understood this I was able to show my love silently by dropping the rope. I hope this helps.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
It does make sense that my reaching out to her is more for me than it is for her. Because of how badly I want her back I think by convincing her of things it would change her perception on things. But it does seem like the more I tried doing that the more she ran the other way. It just feels helpless at times.
Stunned, We ALL very badly want our spouses back, or we wouldn't be here. And I think the reason it feels helpless, is because the truth is, we ARE helpless in trying to make another person do something they don't want to do. I think the sooner we make peace with the fact that, like it or not, that's the hand we've been dealt right now, the easier it is to begin to heal. Hang in there!
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
Stunned, We ALL very badly want our spouses back, or we wouldn't be here. And I think the reason it feels helpless, is because the truth is, we ARE helpless in trying to make another person do something they don't want to do. I think the sooner we make peace with the fact that, like it or not, that's the hand we've been dealt right now, the easier it is to begin to heal. Hang in there!
Thanks I'm trying to hang in there, I was doing good until I heard that she was frustrated for a while and never told me. But I just have to accept what it is now and hope that she will at least be willing to just talk to me again cause as of right now she has zero desire to talk. But again it's not even been 3 weeks yet and she's so focused on moving her stuff out I don't think she's really had time to think about the long term affects of this.
Hang in there bud. Good news is that its pretty fresh and sounds like no affair is involved. If you get bored, look at my thread and do the opposite! Its been 9 months and I've done most things wrong yet I still continued to do them. Not only have I done things wrong but I lost myself along in the process. I came here for advice but subconsciously I think I may have wanted people to feel sorry for me. I reread my thread and people give great advice here.
Keep asking for advice but I can tell you me pestering my wife may have did it in. Try and give her some space, get some clues as to what's really going on. May be some trauma involved. I'm sure a woman could give you some better insight as to your wife's problem.
I say this because I don't want you to feel as I do. Who knows your future, but the faster you improve your life, the more research, the more everything good will make this process smoother (wont be easy by a long shot). This last weekend I looked myself in the mirror and had to detach from my marriage finally. One more month the way I was going, who knows what would have happened. I went from being well above average in my career to sometimes forgetting how to drive my truck. This will beat you down if you let it.
To summarize, listen to these people sooner rather than later. I waited 9 months to face myself and my problems, please don't do that buddy, wouldn't wish this even on my wife's AP.
M 1.5 years, her affair was before 1 year T 7 Years
Don't be too hard on yourself regarding past mistakes on how to handle things. Slip ups happen! The good news is that you are recognizing the slip ups and are learning from them.
Thank you Ginger1 for sharing your IVF experience!
Thank you Zues126 for your insights from your DB Coach. I'm glad you found the sessions helpful.
It may feel like pursuing her is the right thing to do, but it isn't. Many of the DB strategies seem counter intuitive. That is ok! Focus on yourself and truly detach.
The best advice I can give you is to call a Divorce Busting Coach today. Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best advice on how to save your marriage and get things moving in a more positive direction. Please call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
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I'm sure I made yet another mistake today by sending flowers to her work. She didn't acknowledge that she got them and I didn't expect her to. I guess I had other motives when doing that, I was thinking others she works with would see her getting flowers from me and would maybe start saying to her see how sweet your H is. Bad move I'm sure. But I WILL go Full NC now. I haven't contacted her since satuerday other than the flowers today but that was my last attempt. I'm done pursuing for sure now.
You seem like a really good guy, and I know temptation to pursue becomes so hard sometimes that it just feels impossible to resist.
But please, for your own sake and dignity, STOP! ((((( ))))))
I know it's really bad, and I have told myself no matter what I won't contact her. My birthdays on the 16th so I wonder if she even will contact me. My mom said that if she does contact me that I should ask her to meet up for drinks and talk. But I don't think that's a good idea either.
